AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

[TWD123]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

When you say she would be 1k better off moving in with you, is that after she pays her proportion of the rent/bills?

Prescriptions aren't very expensive - can get a prepayment certificate for about £10 a month.
Glasses - you can just get the lenses changed if prescription changes, and keep same frames.

Would your partner moving in be a positive or negative thing emotionally for your children?

Sorry, I meant purely financial!

If you want to live together you have to pool your money and she will fund the extras essentially. Otherwise yes, she’ll have to move out if you don’t want to do that.

I’m not always broke actually, I have enough to provide for me and my children without her living here and have never asked her for a penny, if anything she has borrowed money from me once!

the only time I will be broke is if she moves in here!

Your partner moving in should firstly be about wanting to make a commitment and a family bond. Is that commitment clear? How has the trial gone (leaving out all finances).... does she help with your kid(s)? Was your life easier, better and happier for those few weeks? If yes to the above then sit down and consider finances.

When you become a family unit... its OUR money.... OUR expenses. She will make savings by not having as high as rent amd seperate bills etc, but you will have extra costs as you'll lose certain supports. You will need a big conversation about how you plan to combine finances (e.g. are all finances going to be 100% joint? Will you do a 50/50 split on all household bills and groceries etc? Will it be divided based on a % of eachothers earnings).

If you both can't openly have this conversation... its a red flag.

Would her savings take you over the 6 or 16k limits?

OP I agree with you that your first concern should always be to make sure you have money to look after your kids.

Relying on another person financially who you are not married to and who is not the biological parent sounds risky to me.

I would stick to living separately.

This. It should be obvious really.

Honestly, I have found it more difficult because we have a certain routine at home due to one child’s autism and where she works shifts and it’s a small house, it can be incredibly disruptive. For example, night shifts and trying to keep the house quieter in the day time

The dishonesty would be a dealbreaker for the relationship for me. She has misled you. What other subjects will be/ will have been lied about?

Seems like a no brainer to not let her move in to be honest

Yes, I understand. But is there a long term commitment? That would mean the entire family dynamic would have to shift anyway.

To be honest it sounds like maybe you are happier living apart anyway?

I'd be binning her off tbh she's been lying about her income, some how needed to borrow money off you etc. she's a liability financially.

I am much happier living apart… she prefers to live with a partner so either way one of us will be unhappy with the arrangement…

My payslip is similar (around 2600), but I still have very little left at end of month, she is probably same.
For us -
Mortgage - 1200
Council tax - 300
Gas/electric/water/broadband - 300
Food - 400
Wraparound childcare - 200
This leaves 200 for petrol, children's clothes, school meals, children's clubs, presents, dental, prescriptions, mobile phone etc

I haven't had any new clothes for years.

I'm guessing you live in a council property, have subsidised council tax etc. The cost of everything has gone up hugely. 2800 for a household when there is no support with free/ discounted bills, dental, school meals etc doesn't go that far.

Her borrowing money from you when she has savings and you're on benefits isn't good. Is she angling to move in longer term?

Your partner needs to move out to wherever they were living before and you can just meet socially. Your finances are too delicately balanced and you need to maintain your cash flow. It’s not romantic buts it’s practical.

It’s perhaps better not to refer to them as your partner anymore. You don’t want anyone reporting you for benefit fraud.

It's tricky because as you are too ill to work assume that any partner is doing lots of caring for you and the children anyway because of your health.

It's not like you can casually date because of your health

So given as you are already in a relationship then she is already very invested in your family and thus you are a family entity already

So you think the tax payer should just pick up the tab for you. As has been pointed out this is the issue of the welfare state and why this country is a mess.

If your partner has a salary of 2800 and loads of savings and you love each other. Then you should be a partnership and support each other and all money pooled.

If you prefer to live seperate then that's it. End of conversation. I wouldn't ever contemplate moving someone in (especially when you have kids to consider) if it wasn't my goal.

Her bills living on her own (which she has been but pleading poverty) aren’t nearly half as much as your bills are though so she would of had a lot more left over but still claiming to have none left

Well yeah that’s what the thread is about

And it would be fine if all that £2800 was going into the joint household but it wouldn’t be so I still have to try and independently support myself and kids whilst being unable to work and improve my own financial situation

While I do think she should probably move out, you could have done all of that before she moved in and saved any bad feeling.

Then she's not a partner in the real sense.