AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

[TWD123]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

I understand your perspective op. I'm actually surprised people aren't jumping on and as paying don't tie urself in financially because then she has all the income, can make a claim on the home if it's bought, the dynamics totally change and your children's access to healthcare and benefits will be changed too ... I have autistic children and it's impossible for me to work so unfortunately the tax payer applies in such situations

You'd be best her not moving in. She's been dishonest with about her salary and borrows money off you. Financially irresponsible

How old are your DC? If they are older you will need a plan for what you are going to do when your entitlement reduces. Cohabiting with a partner would make sense then.

I think she needs to go home to her own place.

You clearly don't want her to move in, it negatively impacts your finances in ways you cannot afford, and (it sounds like) you have minor children living with you - so of course you are not being unreasonable to say "no, let's continue living separately".

Tell her that living together is not going to work right now and she must go at the end of the 3 weeks originally agreed. (For your own peace of mind, make sure you can document that her 2-3 weeks at your place was temporary and as a guest and that she has her own residence. Don't characterise this as a "trial run" for cohabiting, just a visit.) Figure out how you will replace her hands-on, live-in help, if you still need it. Then once she has moved out, decide if you want to confront her, have a deeper discussion, break up, etc. because of what you perceive as her dishonesty or at least lack of appropriate disclosure about her finances.

With all this to consider, the finances and her lying to you about her income I can’t see how this is going to work really.

practically with the kids but also if someone lied to me I wouldn’t be able to trust them.

I don't see this as dishonesty, surely if they don't live together it is no business of the OP's how much her girlfriend earns. If she was tricking the OP into paying stuff for her, that would be different. But it doesn't sound like that, more that she is frugal and doesn't buy herself lots of stuff.

I think everyone on this thread is being way too generous about your partner.

if anything she has borrowed money from me once!

Fine not to overshare financial details but she earns a good wage and has borrowed money from her girlfriend who is too ill to work and relies on state support to provide for her children whilst having thousands in the bank herself!

Why do I get the impression her keenness to move in is about her accessing this £1k saving she personally hopes to enjoy.

I'm not convinced that full financial transparency is owed in a situation where the parties are living together on a trial basis, marriage is not contemplated and there are no children in common.

Absolutely. This is a person working with a girlfriend. Why would they have to tell the girlfriend what they earn? Borrowing money once is not the same as consistently leeching off someone.

I wouldn't move in of I were the girlfriend, I would not want to take on financial responsibility for someone else's kids after 2 years.

I hate the reversey Percy angle, but if the OP were an unemployed man trying to get his girlfriend to move in, and getting angry they hadn't told them what they earned (which isn't mega mega bucks by all means) at this stage we would be waving red flags everywhere.

I wouldn't want them to move in OP, but don't think she has acted deceptively either.

You won't lose free school meals and prescriptions are only tenner a month!

DLA and PIP are non means tested as you well know.

She was hardly dishonest. Its not exactly mega bucks she's earning.

She would lose free school meals because her partner earns too much.

No, she wouldn’t.

Yes, she would.

Until September when it changes.

No, she wouldn’t, that’s not how it works. This has already been covered on this thread.

So basically you would rather live off the state, wow.

You don’t unofficially move someone in. It should be a decision carefully made between you both to live together. If she wanted to help you out financially she could just give you some money.
And I doubt DWP would decide her living with you was ‘unofficial’. They will see you both as part of one household.
If you don’t want her there you need to say so.
And if you were to be together then preferable to have a joint approach to finances. I did once work with a woman who even split the telephone bill as to who had spent how much on what call but everyone else thought that peculiar.

Increased outgoings, massively reduced income, her being cagey at best over finances, the shift patterns interfering with household routines... I think there are a lot of reasons why her moving in full time is not going to work. If she can't see that (I hope she will when you explain) then she really isn't thinking of your and your DC's wellbeing.

Rather than not live... yes probably we all would actually

She’s lied about how much she earns and refuses to contribute. It’s not a very good start to her moving in with you. I would be ending the relationship as there’s no trust.

Is it £2800 pre or post tax though? If it’s pre, her take home must only be around 2300. I don’t think that makes her a high earner really, it isn’t very much. Also depends on how steep her outgoings are, you said your bills are lower than hers somehow despite you having children and her not (presumably) so guessing she has high rent/mortgage and utilities currently.

Either way, I think you’re comfortable the way you are with the government paying for your prescriptions and dentistry and whatnot so don’t let her move in because she’d have to pay for it instead I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️.

There really isn't any such thing as unofficially moving in and choosing not to contribute as far as benefit law is concerned. If a partner lives there then they are expected to contribute (benefits isn't going to fund a working adult to live rent and bills free in a claimants home) and will treat you as though they are, regardless of the reality.
Their income is classed as the household income of the partnership, for you both to live off. You probably know this, but this, in these terms, is what your partner needs to understand fully. Theres no such thing as mine and yours where DWP is concerned, so moving in means making a financial commitment to support you. If she's not fully on board, she's better staying a girlfriend.

It’s either the state or one person helping OP’s household.
It’s all well and good if they’re serious and it happens naturally, but why should a partner move in specifically just so that the state doesn’t have to support OP? It’s not her job to help tax payers.

Are you sure she was dishonest about her financial situation? Could she just have a different perspective on money?

If she is financially savvy, she will consider herself skint if she does not have adequate savings. She will say she can’t afford things, not because she doesn’t technically have the cash, but because she knows it is unwise to spend it.

regardless, you need to take care of yourself and your children first. It just seems odd to jump to her being dishonest.

I must have missed it. How wouldn't she lose it if her partner earns too much?