AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

[TWD123]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

I’m surprised she’s even wanting to move in, if she’d be better off £1000 but everyone thinks it’s fair she gives you those £1000, then she’d be no better off and she’d have to live in a much busier household and provide for your children as well.

I’d do separate households for the time being.

That's about £45K gross (depending on deductions).
The lack of transparency would be a deal breaker for me.
She's either got a lot of debt, huge outgoings you don't know about, got some sort of addiction she's feeding or a liar.

Calculate how much you will actually lose rather than just the uc sum. Explain it to her. She will either contribute that and you live together or she won't and she moves back out.

Because that's how a loving relationship works

it depends whether this is actually a "partner" or just a romantic interest.

It sounds like the partner has moved temporarily to help OP practically - which is, of course, very commendable, and I imagine OP values the help.

I disagree that she is lying - most people I know say they are broke; mainly because they live to their means and don't have spare cash; not because they don't have good salaries and/or may be bad with money.

However if she is a "partner" then she needs to share from a financial as well as a practical perspective. That sounds like the conversation OP needs to have. If she wants to be a full partner, she can move in. If she doesn't , she moves out.

thats not fair. OP has children taking in a significant loss which includes being unable to afford hot lunches for your kids just so your GF can move in would be highly irresponsible.

There should be no need to pay more than £114.50 for medical prescriptions, which is less than £10 a month.

In some cases maybe, but a loving relationship does not automatically equally physically and financially supporting another person and their kids as soon as they move in together.

My rule of thumb for moving in together is very simple - any financial impact should be shared equally. And both parties should enjoy similar levels of other benefits.

It does not sound like thats what would happen here. You would be significantly less well off fina cially while she will do significantly better.

There ARE some benefits of her moving in for you - ev more support at home - but also downsides- eg challenges with logistics related to her routine and your child's.

I dont really see therefore that moving in together at this time is very practical.

That's how it works though.

If partner has thousands in the bank claims have a habit of being ended and the person moving in, takes the financial hit.

Add the disruption of the house and autistic kids thrown in to the nightshift thing. It's not going to work OP.

No but the poster I quited is saying why would the Partner want to move in with OP and kids if they are financially the same (no extra expenses). I was implying that the move would then be part of the evolving relationship and making a family unit.

She doesn't need to be paying bills for her to be legally living with you. The fact she has been living with you for 3 weeks should have been declared from the start. Your UC will be deducted 55p to the pound. The point in having a partner - They -should- financially support you. Benefits are there to make up for lack of a partner, lack of a wage etc...

You should apply for PIP and your partner can then be added to the UC claim and she can claim carers element. She can also claim CA, but that's deducted from UC. If she becomes your carer, then she can reduce her hours, if she wanted to.

Either way, you should have reported your CoC (change of circumstances), already. She can also have upto 16K in savings, before UC is closed. Anything over 6K and below 16K will be deducted from UC. However, if they love you, they will want to financially support you.

This! Especially when there are children involved. I've got a step child (who's now an adult) and when I moved in with her dad I fully knew that his role as a parent would have an impact on our joint household finances, we had to factor in an extra bedroom when renting, he's always paid the same % to her mum. If your partner's not recognising that when you're moving in together, I'd say it's defo not time to do that.

Get a prepayment certificate for your prescriptions. Is maybe £12-13 a month by dd for everything. Ever changing glasses are by far the cheapest at goggles4 u firmoo etc. you just need your pupillary distance and you can get a tool online that does that. Make a packed lunch instead of school meals.

Change is scary, but if you have the means to get off/reduce your benefit reliance AND be in a happy committed relationship then you should do it surely?

I will lose £1000 in income

Just a correction, it's not income. It's benefits paid from individual tax payers income.

Blows my mind how many women put men/partners above their kids. The op is completely and indefinitely dependent on state support. That’s not the issue. The issue is that her financial situation is directly related to her kids wellbeing. That is a no brainer to me.

Imagine moving a partner in, losing benefits and it doesn’t work out. The only losers here are the poor kids who have no choice.

You realise packed lunches still cost money right?

OP and her kids are reliant on benefits money and she doesn’t want to live with this woman after this trial, so it obviously doesn’t make sense

Aren’t you already in breach by having her live there “unofficially”?

You've answered your own question. Now you're better you don't need her living there. Use the benefits excuse if you like but sounds like you prefer to live alone and not have to manage around her shift work.

No, OP explained this in the first paragraph.

You have said earlier that you would rather not live with her, so why are you even considering it?

That is very unfair.
OP can't afford to love 1k a month if her partner isn't willing to make up the shortfall.
OP you need to have this discussion with her. But it sounds as though it might be better if you both keep your separate homes

What a strange post. OP likes living separate it was a temporary arrangement due to health just don’t get all this angst. Just go back to living arrangements in two separate households.

If your partner was a 'he', I can almost guarantee that this is what posters would focus on. Since she's a she, people are glossing over it and some are making excuses for her. She has been deceitful or atleast, not completely forthcoming with the real details of her financial situation. Perhaps she didn't want you to expect more from her if you knew.

However that alone would get me thinking twice about what more she could be hiding and if i want to be in a relationship where I can't quite trust how they show up.

As for your living situation, this is simple. If you and your kids are going to be worse off if she moves in, it's a no-brainer. She shouldn't move in.

Welcome to the world of the taxpayer!