AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

sounds like you've already made the decision

In a tough thread, this post stood out, and I didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm gald you're safe now.

He knows you. He knows your vulnerabilities. He knows your insecurities and fears, and as such he knows exactly where to hit to make it really hurt.

Remember this. He’s saying these things not because they’re true, but because he wants to inflict the damage he knows full well saying them will cause. He’s being spiteful, not honest.

Oh, and financial compatibility is important, no matter the ‘money doesn’t matter in the name of love’ narrative that’s commonly peddled to, and weaponized against, women in particular. You don’t have to smilingly take on the financial burden of and adult man and their three offspring or risk ending up forever alone (although, between those options the latter strikes me as the infinitely more attractive one). Buying into that idea will only make you vulnerable to parasites looking for a host.

Blimey OP, this has been quite the journey for you. Well done for seeing things clearly and acting on them. I hope tomorrow brings you space and calm to begin processing everything.

There have been many truly excellent posts on this thread, but I wanted to say a particular thank you to @GreenhampsterAndEggs for so perfectly describing the convoluted mindfuckery that kept me trapped in a godawful marriage for almost 20 years. Like you, I got out in the end and want to slap myself round the head with a wet fish for having been so blind. I guess life is one big learning curve. I wish I'd had your scripts to print out and stick to the fridge, so that I could recognise the conversational tactics and deal with them instead of ending up apologising, making dinner to smooth things over and staying for another 900 million years!

Good luck to OP and to @ToughAsTagliatelle 💐💐💐💐💐

"Like if I give up I’ll never be happy."

Same. As a mother myself I can hardly only date men without kids or I'd be a hypocrite. Also the size of that pool is presumably miniscule at my age.

You definitely would be happy you can’t win
If you don’t men with children, you’ll be expected to accommodate them no matter how badly be behaved
And if you date men without children, they won’t accommodate yours no matter how well-behaved so you probably should give up if we’re really honest

Get rid. Bring your child up peacefully and don’t get into another relationship for a long time. This kind of carnage is not what you want your child to look back on.

RTFT

Why is his flat empty? If he rented it out it would give him an income....

I haven't read the full thread but you did tell him not to pay rent so he's not really a cocklodger surely? Why not just get him to pay rent again and that will more than cover the cleaning? After that the only way to manage is to lower your expectations.

RTFT things have moved on.....

Hi OP 👋

I have read your posts and I must say, this doesn't sound like a happy situation. 😔

While the kids may all get on most of the time now, the hormones will kick in during the teens and it will indeed get harder.

This man (younger than you) sounds like he wants a mummy and not a missus.
He contributes towards household bills and food (proportionate to mouths fed) but not to rent.
So he gives you just enough to get by, but doesn't pay rent (do you yourself pay rent, or do you own your own home?) And you say he owns a flat as well, but it's too small to house his brood? 🏠

He games, doesn't want to do things together (unless it's adrenaline fueled), and you still get glimpses of the happy laughter filled times (like feeding you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you invested), when it's just the two of you on your own. That doesn't sound like it's enough for a happy life.
You don't want to give this up, as you have invested 5 years (sunken cost fallacy) and don't want this to be your last chance at happiness as you are in you 40+ age.

Is this all correct?

I'm sorry OP..
but his dick just is NOT worth it.
The orgasms, laughs and sporadic good times are NOT worth it.
His younger attractive self is NOT worth it.
The 5 years already invested is NOT worth it.
He is NOT worth it. 👎

You ARE worth more.
You CAN do better
You NEED better.

If he can live separately and still date you, then he is a keeper. 👍
If he cannot do that, then you have your answer (however difficult that fact is to accept) that he is indeed a Cocklodger, and that this set up isn't about the two of you being happy, but more about convenience for him.

Because you're not happy most of the time are you OP? 🤔

Self sacrifice in your life for you DS is understandable. 💯
But self sacrifice for a gaming man child, who won't even go out for a romantic stroll with his beloved (because it doesn't involve a dopamine adrenaline hit) and who makes you laugh every now and again, but isn't actively commiting to positive actions to help your situation (bar talk and say we love eachother) not a recipe for romantic success. 👎

It's self -sabotage on your part that you are voluntarily staying signed up for.
You know what you need to do.
Separate houses, or LTB.
Or else you will continue to be ground down further, and it will be even harder to leave.

Showing your son, that this is enough for a happy life does you both a disservice.
You deserve happiness.
Make the change.
Show him the door. 💐

@PithyBeaker

So? He's not in charge of you. Change things or stop moaning. They won't change, they have no reason to.

Please OP stand your ground. You deserve happiness and you are really not getting it. Once he’s out his behaviour from then will clearly indicate how he really feels about you which is that while fond of you it’s completely transactional. Although his behaviour at the moment shows he doesn’t really love you and his obvious desire to hurt you is very disturbing. He wants your house, your finances, your caring, your nurturing and your motherly instincts but gives as little back as he can get away with. Think of your son and the example you are setting here even if currently he sometimes enjoys the on tap playmates. He’d maybe make longer better lasting friendships particularly when he gets older if they weren’t around so much. Please let us all know when this is resolved as we are all really worried your going to fold and likely having got away with it he’ll get even worse not better. Not a monster we know but like many men very selfish and self centred.

We are blended family of 5, husband has autism also, 3 high needs kids that will never 'leave home". It works for us but we are alligned on parenting which I think is the crucial bit, we also still make time for each other with at home date nights energy depending that might be late night cooking fancy meals together or simply snuggling up on the sofa. Both of us also has down time solo. There is absolutely blips though sometimes, it isn't a fairytale world but I deffinetly think none of us would change it. Each child also gets deidcated 1 on 1 time with each of us.

You haven’t read all the OP’s posts because if you have you would know he has moved out.

I don't think this relationship has legs and also he is very manipulative. He's great at stating what he won't do (move into the flat be chose and bought), give you money for rent. I suspect he thinks you'll do anything to keep him.

You have the short end of the straw here. You have an additional three kids every other week. You have to pay a cleaner to get the house back to standard after they leave because DP can't be trusted to do this properly without nagging. No rent, just bills and a share of the food shop.

I think it was worth putting up with when the relationship was good and it felt you were getting something back. This is no longer reliably the case. He games in the evenings and doesn't want to do any joint activities like going for walks etc. You're drained and I bet your DC gets a shorter straw too because so much of your energy is drained by DP & his kids.

You're only 40. I would seriously consider asking him to move out because it's not working for you. If you wanted to give the relationship a second chance you could offer to stay in the relationship while living apart. I suspect he won't want that as he might feel the same as you (that your relationship might have run its' cause) but he has a lot more to loose than you (rent free home for him & three kids and no cleaning to do or pay for) so will likely threaten the end of the relationship if he has to move out. So be it.

If I were you I'd enjoy having the house back and enjoy the last few years with your DC as this will go quicker than you think if they are starting secondary school.

I would take a couple of years to recover from the madness and then start looking for a new partner.

Beachtastic, I don't think I have responded to you in the correct way (new to Mumsnet), but apologies, I didn't see your response before!

I am sorry beyond words that you have also had to go through this kind of experience. The Few, the Proud. It makes you just want to go back in time and spell it out to your younger self, doesn't it? I wish I had had a script then as well, would have saved me a lot of time.

I hope you are in a happy place now, and isn't hindsight a gleeful thing! <cackles gloriously>

I am over on the new thread if you are still following. all the best

Oooohhhh, my story had a very happy ending! I describe it on the other thread. See you there 😁💗

Very true, I have now read this full thread and also OP new thread. Thank you. X

Such a tricky situation for you, OP. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your partner and like others, it may be best for him to rent/buy his own place.
You sound so lovely and I hope it all works out for you.

Agree! It is often* the women doing all of the emotional and domestic labour so he's got a sweet deal here and it's exhausting you!

I agree with you. Blended families being good for the children are the exception not the rule.

Well done OP. And you (he) can get furniture delivered the same day from Argos, if it comes to it.
He'll no doubt reel in another woman pretty quick so you'll not need to feel a shred of guilt, not that you should anyway.
And if he wears you down this time, don't worry, next time will be easier and you'll get there in the end.