AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

DaisyDooley - Amen to that!
OP, you will feel hurt for a long time, and will probably wake up tomorrow with more questions than certainty, but most days from here on in will be easier than today. Well done you (not meaning to be patronizing at all). Welcome to the club.

I think, in the end, you loved what he could have been if he had been a different person. He seemed to love the kind of life you were providing for him. All very well still "being young enough" - some of the things he has said today mark him out as being very immature. And the fact that one of his first thoughts was that he could find someone else, shows you how quickly he turned his mind to "me me me, what's next for me?"

Please try to remember this when, inevitably, you start wishing things had been different and how much you loved each other. This one is not partner material, as pretty as he may be.

You will have plenty of days to come, moving things around over and over again in your mind, trying to make them fit with what you wanted it to be. And someday, far in the future, you may only ever remember the good times you had. For now, though, I hope you'll be able to rest this weekend and reflect on how strong you have been and how resilient you are.

He's making empty promises. Easy to say when you have no intention of keeping them.

And you are right. Just as you would (and should) put your own child first, so would he.

Was this all in the original conversation or are these things he's been saying since? Because if he is trying to weasel back in with these empty promises, please please just say "I've said all I have to say. Please stop".

Do go away.

His words are getting very waspish and he will continue to wound you verbally until he leaves. He is angry that he now has full responsibility for his DC, they overwhelmed him whilst at yours and he will be trying to break you down in the hope you will back down. I know you said he has no furniture but you can’t let your son see him because that man will play on your son’s emotions to break you.

That's both vindictive and dismissive of your issues with the kids and his lack of adulting. He used your age against you to try and say words to the effect of 'you'll regret this, because you should be grateful that I'm the only mug big enough to be with you' as if he's god's gift.

The money stuff is projection. If he had £5million he'd outsource childcare to someone else and wouldn't have need for you. You are cheap labour - that's the whole 'sharing' thing. He shares his problems and you share your bank balance and home.

You said you wouldn't kick him out tonight because he has no bed in his flat - because that's mean. Note he's wasted no time in being mean to you. Given he has a roof and hasn't the forethought to have furniture/blankets in his flat that's his own stupid fault not yours. You don't owe him anything. It's not like he'd be homeless tonight. If sleeping on the floor at his own house wasn't ok he'd have the option of a hotel for one night and a mattress bed tomorrow. Amazon will deliver next day and you can get IKEA same day if he needs.

I still suspect he will lay it on thick - and wouldn't be surprised by a last minute stalling. He may not think you are serious yet or may think he can change your mind and will eventually turn around and beg him to stay.

Hopefully he just fucks off. But remember he doesn't respect you. Not once since you have told him to leave have you said he's told you he loves you.

"he accused me of being all about the finances. Said the problem is that he wanted to be a family and I don’t. Said I care more about money"

That is called projection.

HE is the one interested in money. He won't admit it, because he's hidden that self-interest behind a heroic bullshit self-narrative that he doesn't care about money.

His next partner (poor woman) will not be a young thing with no career and wanting to be a SAHM to children she will have with him. No way. It will be someone like you: stable, financially sound, kind, giving, tolerant.

He started off being sad but is now lashing out and trying to hurt you. Of course he will say that you are all about the finances. He has had an easy ride money wise while living with you and this is now coming to an end. He won't acknowledge how generous you have been to share your lovely home with his three children every other week or how disruptive and draining they can be.

He was about the money when you were buying a house on your own and he was loosing out.

@PithyBeaker
he “would share” a house with you if he owned one.

he would want to be with you if he was worth 5M£.

he would be willing to be a family with your son.

So the first two are hypothetical. The last one, the one he actually has had the chance to live and prove, he hasn’t lived or proved because he wanted your son out of your house more and away from your domestic setup.

Don’t look at what he says- look at what he’s done and is doing. Keep looking, don’t listen.

But also @PithyBeaker well done, this is so hard and you are right on it. Sending hugs. Stay strong. (Also @ToughAsTagliatelle )

Yet another bloody thread where a grown man with parental responsibly is gaming!
When adulting needs doing - where are they? Avoiding chores, avoiding their children, their partners and (in another recent thread) their own babies for God sake!!

WTF?

How are so many of them dodging real life situations to mess about with crap like this? Why would a fully adult male want to be arsing around like a teenager when he has his own 3 children with extra needs, coming to see him? If he’s not seeing them for the 10 days between visits, isn’t he wanting to catch up with them, their schooling, their life?

Or is the plastic controller and the make-believe world more important?

Im old, I’m grumpy and I don’t understand a lot of the ever-changing world, I’m the first to admit. And I know gaming appeals to huge amounts of people all over the world… but - he’s a grown man that isn’t stepping up for his kids who should be right up there in his priorities. He’s not helping OP, who sounds at the end of her tether, it just baffles me how he even has room in his life for bloody gaming. I bet OP doesn’t, she’s busy with the Domestos!

He’d be shaping up or shipping out with his PS5(?) where the sun don’t shine if he were with me.

He's saying mean shit to try to hurt you because he's losing his very comfy nest.

He's really showing himself. He's the only one who's all about the money. He gives his ex money while guilting you into living in your home rent free when there's 4 people half the time. And he blames you for him not having a house. That's on him.

You do have family. You have your sister even if she's not living nearby and you have your son. He doesn't even think your son counts as family. That right there shows how little he cares about your son. His kids and the chaos and his lax parenting have made your life miserable. Your home was a shambles when his kids were there. And the conflicts would get worse as his kids become teens. This is the right thing to do for both you and your kid.

He may give you his key but still get those locks changed. He sounds like he's got a bit of a mean streak and it's best that he can't access your home.

He's had 5 years to treat your son exactly like his. If he was so keen to be a family, and share everything, why hasn't he done so before?

You're a bit late to the party.
You should RTFT.

"You'll die alone with money and no family". That's a really horrible thing to say to anyone, but particularly to a woman he's supposed to love...

Apologies, haven’t caught up completely!

To be fair I think you would be shattered and the house would be a mess if you had 4 kids anyway. And they would argue and they would find that life was unfair. Every child thinks life might be better without siblings sometimes.

Of course he doesn't bc he doesn't pay rent with you. Why are you letting him dictate every situation? he won't like it well he will have no choice if you make him. You felt bad taking his money for rent and I bet the money for the cleaner comes out of your pocket too & you wonder why he doesn't want to move out...well more fool you OP. You either put up and shut up or think of yourself for once. Please go with the latter. Don't make yourself miserable pleasing others.

This is not a good enough reason to stay together. Why is being in a relationship so important to you?

You should re-read all the comments and replies. This is not a healthy relationship and you have taken on a massive burden.

Of course he is happy with the status quo because he has a free house and additional parent to look after his kids. He would still have to pay those bills and food costs plus a mortgage. The reality is he’s getting free housing and childcare.

Is your child really happy or has you convinced yourself of that because you are afraid of being alone?

If you don’t tell him to leave now this is the next 10 plus years of your life. This doesn’t go away just because they become teenagers or adults. If anything it sometimes gets worse.

Time to make the break now.

Take your own advice and reread the OP’s comments.
He has moved out.

Just saw the OP update

People don't usually change situations that serve them without a bit of a prod but it doesn't hurt to put it on more of a win win basis.

Why? I’m simply saying, people are annoying. Having ND doesn’t make someone annoying, nor is being annoying a symptom of ND. It’s irrelevant.

OP, I just couldn’t cope with 3 children in my house 50:50, no matter who was paying for what. It’s too many, too often.

No wonder he doesn’t want to live separately.
He’s got a free home for him and his kids, free help from you.
Your life would be much calmer for you and your DC on your own.
for this reason I don’t want to live with my DP until all our kids are grown up so we preserve their space and our relationship.