AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Sending you strength @PithyBeaker

He said “if I was the one with a house I would want to share it with you” and “if (company he works for) sold tomorrow for 5 million would you still be saying this”

To start a new thread, click on the icon I've circled and choose START A NEW THREAD.

Here you go

What’s the value of a company he works for got to do with anything? Or is he a shareholder.

either way 5 million wouldn’t make me want to live with his children for even 50/50.

He’s judging you by his moral compass. You are the much better person than him and he knows it. He’s just lashing out and showing his true nature. Continue to stay strong and enjoy closing the door on him.

And re the fact he’s giving you back his key, still change the locks in case he’s made a copy.

Thanks @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

@PithyBeaker - when you’ve set up the new link remember to post the link on this one before it fills up.

In neither of those (unlikely) scenarios would his children be any nicer to live with nor would his parenting of them change for the better. So it would make no difference to your happiness on those key things. He really doesn't get it or doesn't want to.

plus its easy to make these crazy comparrisons, because he DOESNT have a bigger house and he hasnt sold his company for 5mil.

but m,ore precisely, as others have said, his kids behaviour would be the same and his lack of engagement with you would be the same.

and to be honest he would more likely be putting pressure on you to look after his kids and ship yours out if it was his home

By saying "would you be saying this if the company I work for sold for 5 million" he's implying that it's all about the money. But it's not just about the money. If he was still bringing you coffee in bed and wanted to spend time with you in the evenings you wouldn't be feeling this way.

He could have let out his flat & shared to income with the OP, but he refused.

Bet if he had 5mil it would be well you should do that because I pay, well of course the children can do whatever it’s my house and my money.

He would just be a rich inefficient parent.

@PithyBeaker
I’m dead proud of you.
I feel like we have been a (mostly) nice group of women wanting to help you.
Sometimes, mumsnet is fantastic,
Tomorrow my sweet you will wake up and be freeeeeeee!
You will have wobbles, come back and see the strength you hve got and the support.
I fucking love being a woman at times like this.
Now, I’m off to cook dinner for my two buggers!l
Sending hugs to you and every woman here who feels tied to an unappreciative man. You can do it. Be more like @PithyBeaker .

"If I had the house, if I had the money....."

You do realize that his foremost thought in all this is the financial aspect, right? So as I see it basically he's saying he's there because of your financial ability to provide for him.

You said he's 'packing to go' so I assume he's leaving tonight? That's good.

And remember that I said earlier that I went from sleeping on my son's sofa to a flat in about 72 hours, and that included getting my furniture and half the household goods out of the marital home and into the flat AND buying a bed. So there's no need for him to 'linger'. Because I have a feeling that even though he's packing, he may come down with a suitcase and a 1000 reasons why he can't leave tonight.

No one is saying he's a monster. But just because he may be a 'nice man' doesn't mean that he doesn't need to be gone right away.

he accused me of being all about the finances. Said the problem is that he wanted to be a family and I don’t. Said I care more about money and I’ll die alone with money and no family. I feel so sad.

This is true.

So he has completely ignored the concerns about his children's behaviour, his attitudes and the fact you were not being treated as a priority. He is going hard at making himself out to be a victim and you unreasonable @PithyBeaker

He wants to hurt you because you have refused to house him and his offspring any longer. No mention of missing being with YOU.

Why do you keep mentioning ND? Everyone has annoying traits, it’s called being human.

You can sod off, I’ve had enough today, thanks.

Everyone else: this is new thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5515262-continuing-an-aibu?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Not one mention of that, no

He wasn't wanting to "Be a family" when saying your son should have fewer days in your home being parented by you @PithyBeaker

Jus posted it - above and here again:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5515262-continuing-an-aibu?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

As my DC said when they were little: "Twinkle twinkle little star, what you say is what you are".

Of course you're 'all about the finances', it's your money and you have a child to support. You should be thinking about your finances!! God knows, he's thinking about his (or the lack thereof)! He doesn't want you thinking about your finances because he knows that you'll start wondering (as you have) where your money is actually going!

And he doesn't 'want to be a family' as you and I think of a family. He wants YOU to 'be a family' to HIS children, but he doesn't want to 'be a family' to your son, does he? He's proven that by wanting your son to be gone more.

You will NOT 'die alone'. You will, in the fullness of time, be a beloved mother and grandmother who will spend her last moments on Earth with those who truly love her by her side. If one of those happens to be a new partner, that will be lovely. But a man is not necessary to our happiness.

He said he is willing to treat my son exactly like his. But I said I don’t believe you wouldn’t put your sons ahead of mine, if push came to shove.

Except you're very clearly not about the money, he is, so either thats just all he's fixed on and can't imagine you'd value something differently, or he's saying it just to hurt you. It is abundantly clear that your driving factor in making this decision is the wellbeing of your child firstly, and yourself second, and giving you both a better quality of life than you're currently experiencing. You have abolutely nothing to apologise for in doing this, I think you've been phenomenal in quickly and decisively taking hard steps to priortise your child once you identified a problem.