AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

we’ve tried
Translation:
He's tried to exploit you, you've tried to cope with all the stress caused by him and his children.

I mean he should really be at his flat thinking. Hiding in your bedroom isn’t going help.

Even if the relationship continues he should just have a bag of bits and go to his flat for the weekend at least.

Rather than a teenager sulking upstairs.

I wasn't suggesting he is a monster at all - just that it will be best for both of you to have time apart physically while you both think about where you go from here.

It seems to me that some people when they have a lot of leverage they can't resist using it.
I think it's plausible that he's not malicious, rather that he finds it hard to resist the opportunity to dominate and exploit. Or does that make him malicious?🤷🏼‍♀️
I don't know... keep him on a short leash... like a dog, that's my approach with men 😬

He needs to go today, this isn’t going to change if you don’t hold your nerve. I’d start packing up his stuff downstairs and then he can’t just drag this out all weekend. He’s acting like it’s all in his control still and you need to get some ownership of it.

The longer he stays in the house with his puppy dog eyes the harder it's going to be for you to not give in to him OP.
He'll be able to work on the children, and get them to work on you.

He’s busy writing his long list of “why you should let me stay”

I agree with PP, it’s fine to say you also need some space to process so can he go to his flat tonight. It’s his flat, his home, not a cardboard box in a shop doorway.

I really hope he will go quietly. I mean, I wouldn't want to stay in such a situation.

But I think it's much more likely that he will do the math and come love bombing and promising to change. He'll probably sound very sincere too. And OP will feel torn and will want to give him another chance, and will find herself back in the same situation in a year's time.

OP, at this point, you can't be sure that he's with you because he loves you, which is the only reason he should be with you. If you insist he goes back to his flat and then he still wants to be with you, then you will know he really does love you.

In that case, when all the kids are grown and flown, you guys could live together again.

If he goes to his flat and ends the relationship, you have your answer.

You deserve to have someone who loves you for you, not what he can extract for himself and his children (at the expense of your own child).

@PithyBeaker Well done for making yourself clear to him.

He should not drag out the moving out as he does have his own place to go to.

No. I’ve already told him the kids aren’t coming back and he needs to talk to his X as a fall back if he has nowhere for them to stay.

Agree, I am pushing for deadline. But there is no furniture at his flat so I’m not kicking him out today and asking him to go to a place w no bed in it. That’s just mean.

He just said (and I quote): that’s not the kind of relationship I want. I want to be with someone where we share everything. I’m young enough that I haven’t given up hope of finding that.

And I said: well, maybe she’ll have an even bigger or nicer house. He accused me of being manipulative and disingenuous saying that. I think it’s over. Feel extraordinarily sad but also it’s quite telling that he was already in this moment thinking he could be with someone else. That idea is galling to me.

Translation: he thinks he can still find someone who will put up with his shit.

Share everything except the cleaning up after his messy kids, and the discipline and proper parenting of those kids. He doesn't mind you picking up that.

Amazing how keen men are on 'sharing everything' when what they actually mean is 'share, or in fact offload, my parenting to a woman'

He also wasn't so keen on 'sharing everything' when OP wanted to go for a walk. Solitary gaming was preferable.

Stay strong OP. You've done the right thing.

He is very good looking and sweet-seeming. I’m sure he will.

Poor cow. She will have no idea what she’s letting herself in for.

At least he won’t be your problem anymore.

Stand firm and get him to move out asap.

Well, that'll be the next woman's problem (poor her).

You, on the other hand, will be free from his chaos and selfishness. You AND your son.

He will be on online dating by the end of the weekend then. If that’s how he feels rather than him just trying to manipulate you.

No one is saying he’s a monster but you also shouldn’t have to have him moping around your home emotionally guilting you for the whole weekend.

He's got all weekend to get sorted, he could stay in Travel Lodge or similar.... Get him out and change the locks...

Don’t wait for him to buy brand new furniture, it will take weeks to be made and delivered.
He needs to look on Facebook Marketplace and pick stuff up tomorrow.
Or go to IKEA and start building beds tomorrow
Or go to a BHF or Salvation Army warehouse store and get furniture delivered next week.
Or go to Go Outdoors and buy blow up beds as a stop gap.

You do need to be super tough here, or he will order bespoke handmade beds and still be waiting for them at Christmas.

I want to be with someone where we share everything.

He didn't want your son in your home full time. That's not very sharing of him with your home. And really, what does he have to share besides his flat and 3 unruly kids and an ex with her hand still in his wallet?

He wants a woman with resources that he can weasel his way into and bring his children along for the ride. He's looking for a sugar mama.

He does want your house. He's made that crystal clear. You've really stood your ground on that. 👏

He can get a bed and linens delivered in a day. I think you need to give him a move out day that's quite soon.

He's a very self centered dude looking out for #1 and has no qualms about living off a woman and pushing her kid out if she let him.