AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Apologies - I read it as you had his dc EOW, now i see it every other week..so its week on week off...ok I couldnt do that.
I like peaceful, well run, tidy home ....

Oh yeah I just re-read the OP, sorry

I have talked a lot about how I’m feeling. He knows. And I know how he feels too. We never seem to get anywhere but “this is really hard, we have both made poor decisions in previous relationships. But we still love each other”

Isn’t choice of partner and life supposed to create positive things. I could not be bothered with that at all. There is really something to be said for a lovely, calm loving household.

I would end it on the basis the blended bit is not working. It sounds like a huge pile on for you.

Why struggle when you don’t have to? They’re not even your kids.

When you say this: AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works you are being very unreasonable to generalise so wildly.

Your situation isn't working, other situations do work.

But yanbu to rethink your own situation.

Late primary/early secondary age all. DP won’t hear of seeing his kids less. He wants full 50/50 split. I have suggested we just do weekends as there is a long school commute from ours. It’s a no.

Because I love him? But yes I am starting to wonder if there will ever be light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry I’m catching up on this thread. YOU pay a cleaner the day after they have been. It’s not YOIR mess. Jeez.

Please think of your child. They’ll have exams in the future and will need peace and quiet to study. Your priority is your child. Please parent and look after them.

Fair enough about the general point. I’d love to hear some success stories but never seem to

I mean of course his children compete with your child as your child gets their dad 24/7.

However him being rather lazy is the sticking point.

But you are right blending families generally always hurts at minimum one person. There is normally always a child/ren that feels left out or pushed out or lesser in some way and in the cases of step mothers a women who feels taken advantage of.

None of the step families I know are genuinely happy including my own as a child. Often stepparents might like to sell their one as perfect or as close to perfect as possible but ask the step child as an adult where they know they won’t be judged and it won’t get back to their parent or step parent and you’ll hear how they didn’t like it how it sucked but mum/dad was happy.

Leave and make a happy life for your child.

My set up is similar to yours in that I have one, DH has 3 and he is ADHD and one of his DC is audhd. I love them, but I would never have moved in with DH if it was a realistic possibility that they would be living with us 50% of the time. He sees them 3 days a week but they don't stay overnight at their own choice and when they are here it's a bit chaotic and messy and noisy but it's time limited so I can handle it. Having them for a week at a time would be hellish frankly. And I love them! But I had one DC for a reason. I grew up in a house of 4 kids and never wanted that life for me. In your position I would ask him to move out. If he can't handle that and the relationship ends then so be it. It's not working for you or your relationship.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t pay towards the house when he’s living there with his 3 children? Does he pay all the bills or something?

Anyway, this is just going to get worse over the next few years through teenage years so if you’re already struggling it sounds like a good time to catch your breath and work out what you both want from your life.

He is living the dream isnt he ? Why cant i find a man to fund my life and children and clean my shit up I wonder

Her child is not his child

Again, I would be really happy with this but think DP would not. He doesn’t want to move out and find somewhere to live with his kids.

Ok well don’t end it, but he needs his own house to care for his OWN children when he sees them. I would not look forward to 3 children arriving at my home every fortnight.

Of course he doesnt why would he ?

Of course it's draining.
Why even enter such a situation.

Honestly I agree with someone earlier on the thread - he is fine and dandy now he has a home, and a nanny with a fanny /combined cleaner housekeeper and he has no accommodation costs for him and HIS 3 CHILDREN.
No wonder he doesnt want to change anything and is not interested in making you happy/resolving the concerns/issues you have with this set up.
I can here you wail from here 'but i really luuuurrrrveee him'...well if he loves you he'd not want you exhausted and unhappy, and while its mumsnet wisdom that children MUST ALWAYS come first..I dont agree in this scenario.
There has to be some changes and some compromising and the children do not need to suffer for that.

If its a hard no to any changes or better parenting from him for example then I would definitely ask him to move out and live separately.
That will be a good way to see if your love between you is a long term thing or is just its comfortable and change or being alone is scary ?

For goodness sake, you have taken on 4 children when you have one of your own already.

I feel so sorry for your child stuck with your poor choices.

Yes it wouldn't work if you told him to move out, he would be far too busy finding another mug to house him and his children so he can game all evening.

What awful modeling of a relationship for your child.
If this really what you want for them?
IMO you will be very harshly judged by your child and rightfully so.

Foisting all this chaos on your child in their home.
No man is worth this.
Put your child first, finally, and tell him to move out.
He can't even cook for his own children 🙄.
What a loser.
Lucky he found you though🙄.

Sorry if that is harsh, but you really need to wake up.

Do they though? Really?
I have to wonder whether they might actually tell you they feel differently if you tell them they don't have to share their house 50% of the time with 3 other kids...

I know.

I meant her child gets their as in the steps dad 24/7.

That’s because he gets far far more out of your current arrangement than you do.
I would be presenting that as one of the options available to him. The other would be splitting up entirely. For the sake of my peace.

And he doesn't pay you any rent?
Does he pay 50% of the bills? Most of the food bill?
Of course he doesn't want to move out, he's got it made. How unattractive you must find him.

I doubt that's the draw they might think it is 🤨