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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

1000 replies

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 15:23

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

OP posts:
Tableforjoan · 10/04/2026 16:17

Don’t wobble op.

His comment about being young enough to find another woman who will share everything with him speaks volumes.

It’s about a woman sharing her things with him. How fast he is willing to move on. His not even moved out and his talking about new woman, neither of you have actually dumped the other and his talking about a woman who will share everything.

He only loves you while you give him all your worth.

Catcatcatcatcat · 10/04/2026 16:19

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 15:28

He’s leaving. “Unless I’m willing to reconsider.” I said you’re the one reconsidering our relationship bc you can’t live here. He is packing as I type.

Jolly good, off he fucks.

Prepare for him to break down in fake tears just at the point where you think he’s actually out the door.

Make sure you get your keys back.

TheBlueKoala · 10/04/2026 16:24

@PithyBeaker @ToughAsTagliatelle @GreenhampsterAndEggs You should produce a leaflet that is handed out to young women: Things you need to know before getting into a relationship and how to get out if you're stuck. Dealing with another type of script- not the unfaithful one- but the Cheeky fucker one.

I wish you all the best 💐

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/04/2026 16:24

I'm sorry @PithyBeaker because you must be feeling a mixture of sadness and anger.

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 16:26

Happyhettie · 10/04/2026 15:42

He’s missing the point of what sharing actually means. It doesn’t mean you do everything and pay for everything and he gets to be a cocklodger.

Well done for standing up for yourself @PithyBeaker I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad though, it is tough when things haven’t worked out as you hoped. I hope and your son have a peaceful weekend together.

But I haven’t done everything and paid for everything. He pays bills, groceries, etc. That isn’t the point. The point is I feel drained and unappreciated and have had enough of it.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 10/04/2026 16:27

Am I right that he is younger than you? Just that I think some younger men seem to think their youth covers everything, and you should be grateful to mummy them, because they make you look good.
Ive come across a few of these. My ex husband being one. I realised much later, when he bought me a dress in a size 20 (I was a 10) and said he thought I was about the same size as his mother, that he would never really look at me and see me as the attractive woman I was in my own right - and DAMN I was fine looking and fit back then.
But because I was that much more mature, well. He's gone thankfully.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/04/2026 16:28

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 16:26

But I haven’t done everything and paid for everything. He pays bills, groceries, etc. That isn’t the point. The point is I feel drained and unappreciated and have had enough of it.

Yes. You'll feel much calmer in a couple of weeks.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/04/2026 16:29

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 14:39

He just said (and I quote): that’s not the kind of relationship I want. I want to be with someone where we share everything. I’m young enough that I haven’t given up hope of finding that.

I can’t think of much worse that he could have said!

And emphasising that he is younger is such a low blow. He’s saying “I will meet someone else and you won’t”. Which is just blackmail.

I bet he wants to share everything - when you were putting much more into that “everything” than he was, whilst he took more out.

Plus you could still have a fully shared relationship after the kids leave home if you wanted to.

trumpisruin · 10/04/2026 16:31

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 14:44

He is very good looking and sweet-seeming. I’m sure he will.

He thinks he's a catch for some young hot babe, such a woman is unlikely to think that he, will his 3 children in tow, is any kind of a catch!

Candleabra · 10/04/2026 16:33

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/04/2026 16:29

I can’t think of much worse that he could have said!

And emphasising that he is younger is such a low blow. He’s saying “I will meet someone else and you won’t”. Which is just blackmail.

I bet he wants to share everything - when you were putting much more into that “everything” than he was, whilst he took more out.

Plus you could still have a fully shared relationship after the kids leave home if you wanted to.

Ouch, yes agreed. Those are not the words of someone devastated and wanting to do anything to keep you. Anyway, you know now, and well done for being decisive and strong, that took a lot of guts.

RoyalPenguin · 10/04/2026 16:35

Sending hugs OP. This bit is very hard even if you know you're doing the right thing.

Happyhettie · 10/04/2026 16:37

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 16:26

But I haven’t done everything and paid for everything. He pays bills, groceries, etc. That isn’t the point. The point is I feel drained and unappreciated and have had enough of it.

I get that hence the previous supportive comments I have written.

I am sorry that I have misunderstood the financial and mental load issue and have missed the part where you said that he does pay for his share of things and is pulling his weight.

trumpisruin · 10/04/2026 16:38

He’s leaving. “Unless I’m willing to reconsider.”
= he's leaving unless you are willing to let him make you unhappy!

Givemeausernamepls · 10/04/2026 16:43

99% of the time blended families don't work due to a 'dad' problem. I have been there and done that. Please do not underestimate how draining it actually is to manage the boundaries, encourage people to pick up after themselves and just generally live in someone else chaos...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/04/2026 16:46

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 16:26

But I haven’t done everything and paid for everything. He pays bills, groceries, etc. That isn’t the point. The point is I feel drained and unappreciated and have had enough of it.

You haven’t done everything and paid for everything. But you’ve done a lot more and paid for a lot more than you fair share. Which is why you’re drained and unappreciated.

Meteorite87 · 10/04/2026 16:49

trumpisruin · 10/04/2026 13:58

we’ve tried
Translation:
He's tried to exploit you, you've tried to cope with all the stress caused by him and his children.

Yes!

He won't acknowledge his poor behaviour whatsoever, but wants to keep @PithyBeaker sweet in case he wants to continue the relationship.

outerspacepotato · 10/04/2026 17:05

He loves what you give him.

Now that you've had it and he's going to have to leave, he's making little digs about your age gap and the next woman he's going to parasitize.

No high road for parasites.

He may be good looking and charming but those things are superficial. Looks are temporary and changing and charm often masks darker things. He just wants to hook on and suck some poor woman dry. That will no longer be you and your son.

You didn't force him to move in. He could have done a financial breakdown of his goal of owning a house and got grinding. Second job, rent out his flat, stop giving the ex money, no spending extras, no gf, but no.

He may pay bills and food but he guilted you about rent. The wear and tear on your home has got to be high with so many living there. He wouldn't even pay for a cleaner because his kids left the place so trashed and he wouldn't do it himself in a timely manner. The "good times" have been so outweighed by the bad times that your son is resented in his own home and can't really develop his own social circle and you're completely ground down.

The peace is going to feel strange after years of chaos but it will soon be your new normal.

GreenhampsterAndEggs · 10/04/2026 17:05

OP, first of all, I hope you are ok. This was a difficult thing to do, but if it's right for you and your child and your home, it was the right decision. That's your first step in the right direction.

It is quite telling that, from what you write, his first thoughts are for himself. As they would be, and as they would be for you, if your situation had been reversed. But, it should give you a good indication of where you stand in his order of priorities.

While he is packing, are you certain he is not taking anything of yours, of value, or any important paperwork that you might need? Just check.

Next steps while he is in shock, before he gets to the denial and then bargaining stages:

As others have said, it's probably best that he goes somewhere else "to think " or you will find him still in your house when he starts denying and bargaining. You are not throwing him out on the street, he's (apparently) a grownup, so he can go to a hotel or a friend's house, as I assume his children are with the ex?

Once he is gone, you can sit, have a cup of coffee or tea (no alcohol, you need a clear head), get the tub of ice cream out of the freezer and eat as much of it as you want. Give yourself half an hour, then call a locksmith, if it isn't too late today (or do it first thing tomorrow morning). Change all the locks, front door, back door, side gate, make sure the garage door is barred from inside, and your car and keys are secured.

Once you are secure inside your own boundaries again, you can cry or collapse as much as you need to, given that you have a child to care for. All your crappy emotions can now happen within a safe space. If you want to discuss things with him another day, you can do this now that your boundaries are firm.

I'm sorry you've had to do this, but you will be stronger for it. It will take time, so be gentle with yourself.

GreenhampsterAndEggs · 10/04/2026 17:16

TheBlueKoala- If I thought a leaflet would help or be taken seriously by younger women, I would produce one! But some things one has to find out for one's self, unfortunately. I certainly never would have listened to any advice when I was in my 20s-I knew it all already! Mistakes are fine as experiences, as long as we can get out of them, and never make the same mistake twice

MrsMcGarry · 10/04/2026 17:23

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 14:41

And I said: well, maybe she’ll have an even bigger or nicer house. He accused me of being manipulative and disingenuous saying that. I think it’s over. Feel extraordinarily sad but also it’s quite telling that he was already in this moment thinking he could be with someone else. That idea is galling to me.

This is because you love him, but just don't like practical aspects of your current set up. Whilst he loves what you provide for him.

Some of this is not monstrous - it's just the gendered expectations of a patriarchal society. When I was first with my now dh and still kinda messed up I would ask him why he loved me. And he would always say stuff like "because you understand me in ways no-one else does" or "because you make me feel like I can do anything". He only saw me through a lens of my impact on him.

Wheras I would be thinking "because you have a nice arse" or "because you care so much about making the world a better place". We've talked about this, he now understands why he thinks like that and has made a huge effort to change his thinking, but I do think it's something men are conditioned to do

workshy46 · 10/04/2026 17:29

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 14:39

He just said (and I quote): that’s not the kind of relationship I want. I want to be with someone where we share everything. I’m young enough that I haven’t given up hope of finding that.

Of course he wants someone to share with, how generous of him when he has absolutely nothing to share with you and you have a big house that he and his kids get to live in rent free.
He isn't even being v subtle in that for him the main attraction to the relationship was a free place to live

Doubledenim305 · 10/04/2026 17:32

As soon as he is out..change the locks.
I've said this before on here, was poo poo'd by some people and guess what. The ex let himself back in .
Change. Those. Locks.

MachineBee · 10/04/2026 17:38

@PithyBeaker You are doing really well - do stay strong and keep reading the comments that have stiffened your resolve. You may want to start a new thread soon. This way you can continue to access support as you move into your new chapter. Only if you want to of course.

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 17:43

MachineBee · 10/04/2026 17:38

@PithyBeaker You are doing really well - do stay strong and keep reading the comments that have stiffened your resolve. You may want to start a new thread soon. This way you can continue to access support as you move into your new chapter. Only if you want to of course.

Ok. how do I start a new thread? Where do I put it? relationships?

OP posts:
PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 17:43

Doubledenim305 · 10/04/2026 17:32

As soon as he is out..change the locks.
I've said this before on here, was poo poo'd by some people and guess what. The ex let himself back in .
Change. Those. Locks.

He is giving me back the key.

OP posts:
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