AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

He could take one of the children’s beds, he doesn’t need a double bed to sleep in, if that delays him. If he has a deadline all he needs is a bed, a chair and some cooking things. You don’t need a fully furnished flat (if he moved everything out is it in your house anyway.

When he says he wants to share everything, he doesn’t. He wants everything of yours, including emotionally, but not in return, clearly not with your son.

i also agree he will try love bombing or try to persuade you to change your mind some how. You’ve done so well.

Well there you are then - he's already looking to the next woman in his and his children's lives.

Was the "I'm young enough..." a sly dig OP?

Very telling he’s talking about meeting the next mummy figure for his children who will share her house with them all!
He will be waiting a bloody long time them.

He’s leaving. “Unless I’m willing to reconsider.” I said you’re the one reconsidering our relationship bc you can’t live here. He is packing as I type.

I can get a cheapo double bed frame delivered tomorrow from Amazon for under £50 and most furniture that would be essential basics in next day that I couldn’t just walk into a shop and pick up.

He really doesn’t need long op.

Cross posted.

But what is he sharing?
Sorry it has come to this OP - enjoy the peace x

Doubt it. He’s very good looking and convincing and charming af when he wants to be.

Hurrah!

He's seeing if you blink first.

He'll likely love bomb later, when he's sitting in his little flat.

How telling that it wasn't 'I'll do the cleaning, I'll get them to be tidier, I'll bring you coffee again, I'll go for walks with you' that came out of his mouth - but 'unless YOU'RE willing to reconsider'. It's never for him to change anything, work on anything, or compromise. You, OP, would always be bending, compromising and putting up with unhappiness if he had his way.

I have RTFT because I find myself in an incredibly similar situation. I seem to have unwittingly adopted a man (thankfully no kids) and have been absorbing the financial stress of his situation, despite definitely not having signed up for this... I am desperately trying to jolly him out the door by the end of this month (hence the username).

I hadn't commented as far wiser PP had everything covered, and until I get him out the door I don't feel qualified. However, I saw his "that’s not the kind of relationship I want, I want to be with someone where we share everything" and BINGO. Mine has said EXACTLY the same thing.

For context, I am a nearly 40 YO single woman with her own flat, job, savings, etc., and he is a 40+ man with a lower-paid job, significant debt, who was effectively on the verge of returning home to his parents' basement. He doesn't have anything to share with me.

Mine is also sexy, charming, good looking, funny, etc., but I am at the end of my rope feeling responsible for everything, being the de facto housing provider, problem solver, ideas factory, house manager, not to mention the bloody bank.

I thought it might help you to know that even now, other people are going through what you are going through and hearing exactly the same bullshit platitudes. Stay strong and keep an image in your mid's eye of your home as your sanctuary.

Sending 💐

OP can you have a nice day out with your DC at the weekend? Have a nice walk and lunch somewhere?

Well done, OP. I’m sure we can appreciate how difficult that must have been, but you’ve done the right thing.

Sadly it doesn’t surprise me that he’s now reconsidering the relationship when it’s not purely for his benefit. If he really loved you, he would try to understand where you’re coming from and work with you to improve things as a couple whilst living apart.

It’s not just his decision, though, so take this time to think about whether you truly want to continue the relationship. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the lack of anger and the display of “sadness” is a tactic to get you feeling sorry for him. After all, if he was angry and showed it, it wouldn’t really be a hard decision for you. This guy knows exactly what he’s doing.

I hope you feel at least a little relief and can take some time for yourself this weekend 💕

he didnt want to share everything though because he didnt want to share the funding of that lifestyle.
he couldnt be arsed to rent his house even if it would have covered the mortgage, and be a bit of a faff.
he didnt want to share evenings with you, nor want to share the clean up and discipline of actual parenting.
he wanted to share your stuff and your labour.

He’s missing the point of what sharing actually means. It doesn’t mean you do everything and pay for everything and he gets to be a cocklodger.

Well done for standing up for yourself @PithyBeaker I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad though, it is tough when things haven’t worked out as you hoped. I hope and your son have a peaceful weekend together.

Well done @PithyBeaker !
He might be good looking and charming but he has nothing to offer. The only thing he’s interested in sharing is a woman’s home for him and his DC.
He’s shown his true colours by talking about meeting another woman who wants to live with him in the hope you will be so overcome by jealousy that you will be hanging onto his trousers crying for him to forgive you. Xx

Good luck to her, then. He won’t be able to hide behind his good looks forever and will soon make his cocklodging ways known. You’re honestly better off without someone like this in your life and there’s nothing to stop you meeting someone in the future when you’re ready, if that’s what you want. Personally I’d just get a dog 😂.

Exactly. He’s losing his grip and knows he’s out of options, so this is a last attempt to show you the “error of your ways.”

Good on you OP for sticking to your guns.

Hopefully he is packed rather than coming for an another chat to try and convince you otherwise.

Why did you let a man with 3 kids move in
Anyone could of predicted how that would go
I'm sure he fell head over heals in love with you , especially knowing you had a house he could move in to ,and you would help him with his kids on the weekend he has them.
Your being used

He refused to compromise on anything.

He could have seen his kids some of the time in his own flat. He could have reduced contact so there was less disruption and chaos in your home. If he was insisting on keeping 50:50 arrangement then he could have reduced or stopped payments to his ex to be able to afford somewhere larger to accommodate them all.

Everything was a flat out no because he didn’t want to, he didn’t care if it would make your life easier/less stressful because all he cares about is himself.

I get the feeling you started your thread as you just wanted to put things in writing, end of your tether type thing at all the muddle and mess .

Your DP listens but doesn't hear, makes all the right noises and noods then it's gone from his mind and life continues, you're wanting to be heard and solutions made but it's not us as MNers than can help you make that dissappear.

You've spent time with him not being there this week but it's different as you knew he'd return after working away.

If/once your DP does leave you now need to spend some time doing things that are the musts, catering for you and your DS needs, and the things that you yourself want to do that involves your self care, sorting your home, rearranging if need be, taking time to reflect.

Ultimately you need to have a length of time to see if you prefer your house as you think you'd like it to be or you're more than happy to accept the noise and mess and all that goes with it.

Remember what you want and your own needs count in all of this to.

Wow. It really is a line from a Twitter manosphere playbook. I’m done. Put these trolls back in their basements. I read your post at the right moment as I was having a weak moment thinking of all the good times we’ve shared. 😔

1. What day were his DCs meant to be turning up?
2. Why doesn’t he have any furniture from his flat?
3. I know it’s hard when remembering the “good times,” but you’re no longer in a relationship with that man. You’re in a relationship with the man stood in front of you today—the one who doesn’t want to do anything fun with you anymore.