Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

In a few years she'll be writing a post 'I never get to see my grandkids!'

So she hasn't organised child care and wants you to cover an entire week at less than a week's notice. I would say no. She clearly doesn't respect you and will be constantly testing your boundaries. Once she understands and appreciates that it is unreasonable for her to expect you to look after her child and that she should be grateful for any help, then you might feel able to help her out when you can. It's amazing how on Mumsnet it's all about how women shouldn't have to do all the childcare within a marriage, but when it comes to posters' own mothers suddenly feminism is out the window. Seems like mothers are still expected to help with daughter's childcare.

Unreliable daughter? Nope! Mother (by her own admission) who cannot be relied on? Yes!

If she only started using the nursery last week when she returned to work, she probably wasn't aware that the nursery would be closed for a week over Easter.

She needs to check when the nursery is closed for the rest of the year and make other arrangements for childcare on those days.

You say that you've been excited about having grandchildren but have told your daughter that you won't be offering any help with childcare from the very beginning. That doesn't sound like excitement to me as it's very negative. What are you expectinng from the relationship with your grandchild?

I can’t imagine not wanting to have my dgc. I love having them when I can.

You haven't written why you won't be babysitting your grandkids ever, whether it's because you work, or just can't be bothered-which is fine, your choice.

Teaching someone a lesson is for children, 'how will she ever learn' doesn't apply to adults.

Hmmm, given the way this is written, I suspect it may be a reverse.

However, having dealt with piss taking family members (in a different situation), I think setting and maintaining clear boundaries is really important. I have some relatives who if you agree to do them a favour once, seem to think that is now "your job", and you'll be expected to do it forevermore. Only you know if your DD (or you) are that kind of piss taker.

YABVU
This reminds me of an elderly disabled grandmother (badly need of a double hip replacement) who helped out picking up her DGC from primary school when their parents were stuck. It’s relevant that she lived circa 10 miles away.

The other grandmother who was 100% fit and lived less than 1 minute away from the school (house literally nextdoor to school), refused to pick them up, and made sure they went away with their caravan every single school holiday. She was a horrible woman imo.

That sounds really difficult for you. Do you still have a relationship with your mother? I would completely re-think the relationship I had with her and pull right back. She sounds horribly selfish and uncaring.

I hope you told her that you've agreed to ferry partners/husbands parents around and are therefore duty bound to only help them.

Privilege? Yeah right! I hope you've told her to get lost.

I think there is a huge difference between doing regular childcare to enable someone to work and doing occasional babysitting and helping out now and again. I think some of the comments directed to OP have been harsh as she has clearly tried to be clear about her position- and yet there is an ask from her daughter at very short notice almost as soon as she has returned to work. I am puzzled by the nursery being closed and hope it is not some kind of term time setting which the daughter will not have enough leave to cover in the holidays (have assumed she is not a teacher as needs to work next week).
OP knows her daughter best as clearly sees the risk of setting a precedent owing to her daughter’s lack of planning.
OP - I would maybe offer a day or two this time only if you can (maybe you still work and can’t take leave at short notice?!) - but be really clear that this is a one off in terms of anything regular.

Ultimately, it is completely up to you.

But don’t forget, you don’t then get to pick and choose the bits that you do want to do. No running around being nanny dearest when it suits you you don’t want to help their family keep a roof over their head which is your prerogative but you don’t get to call dibs on for example Christmas players, et cetera. You want to be a remote and not central figure that is completely up to you but just be aware that that is what you are doing..

Gosh this thread has made me so incredibly grateful for my mum & dad. They moved across the country so they could be involved grandparents and their house is my DCs second home. And when they get to the stage of needing additional care themselves, they’ll move in with me and the kindness will be repaid; as family should. Setting out from the start you will never provide any childcare whatsoever and leave your daughter to struggle as “a lesson” is a great way to ensure your relationship collapses completely.

You say you were very excited to have grandchildren. But why? If you don’t plan on doing any kind of childcare, how do you envisage building any kind of relationship with them?

Are you retired?

If so, and she’s only just returned from maternity leave, I’d give her a break and help out. She’s still finding her feet.

I’m going to guess this is a reverse..

If nursery is closed it means she’s chosen term time only so buckle in for when she asks you to cover all of the school holidays

This. You sound awful op.

Does she have a DH or DP, surely it for them to sort out?
Why or why does this type of thing become a DGM issue?

Why?

OP, my main thought on reading your posts is simply "Where is the love?" Both for your daughter and for your grandchildren. So bleak.

I would this time why she is getting everything sorted but if she asks the following week I'd say no

I can't beleive some people are telling you to stick to your word, it's very sad for your family.