Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

That’s awful. I would be very low contact with a mother like that.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot by trying to teach your daughter a lesson. The only relationship that will suffer is the one with your grandchild.

I don't 'rely' on my mum and mil for childcare but they both come one day a week and have an absolutely amazing relationship with my kids.

My grandparents never looked after me, I saw them for lunch occasionally or the odd visit to their house with my parents. As a result, we literally had no relationship.

I can see why you wouldn't want to help. It sounds like she has chosen a term time nursery or opted for a term time only place. Fine is she and her partner (not sure if there is one) are going to cover these weeks but if they are always going to be stuck and need help then I can see why you don't want to get caught up now in being available.
I would probably do it this time as it's unlikely she will find anything else, but if it happens at half term then I would make myself unavailable.

@gardenNC I have this mother too. Recently... Shes started to need care. She is starting to be nervous of driving. She's always been closer to my older brother. Minded his kids all the time. But mine... No! Apparently she had already agreed to mind DBs, and felt duty bound. But do you think it's DB being asked to ferry her to appointments? And there's comments along the lines ' it's not right for a son to care for a mother, that's a daughters privilege '.

Why would any mother sit back and watch her own daughter struggle with anything ?

Im so confused. I feel so sorry for your daughter. I would ask for context but what could possibly justify that.

I genuinely cannot imagine ever being in a situation where my child phoned me up and said 'i'm struggling can you help please?' And I didn't drop everything to help them.

My PIL are aren't I a position to ever help with childcare and they have a great relationship with our children. I think if you can help her out for a few days then that's kind of you, but you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to.

A week - absolutely not. Why is nursery closed and how did she not know?

I’d suspect her of testing to see if you love your week so much you offer some of your time.

You are family. If you want a fractured relationship with her and your grandchildren then go ahead.

I've just gone thru hell to try and take on my Grandchild in a view to adopting him in the future. I've given up my job for him and I would do it a million times over for any of my future grandkids .

This is just what you do for your family isn't it?!

I didn't realise you stopped being a parent when they become 18 and leave them stranded in the big world.

Help your family out jeez!!! I bet you'll be wanting her to come visit you in your oap home or even help you when you're too old to do things yourself.. If I was your daughter I would turn my back on you the way you are on her!!!

i thank my lucky stars for my parents who would jump at the chance to support me but mostly at the chance to spend time with their grandchildren. My children adore them. Their relationship is beautiful.

More fool you.

I would not raise anyone else’s child but I wouldn’t think twice about helping out.

I would say I am not available for regular childcare, I would not judge you for that.
But if I didn’t work then I’d absolutely tell my DD that I’d be willing to do the first couple of weeks childcare so she didn’t have to worry about dropping them off at nursery for a few days.

I do understand your frustration.
Assuming you work and have booked the week off, the last thing you want to do is spend all day every day babysitting.
Its also frustrating that her DH doesn’t take the time off to look after his own child.

However, I would help this one time but plan to go away for the next holidays.

I hope she doesn’t help you out when you’re old

of course you should help her out in an emergency thats what family are for.

Think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to have with your children and grand-chidren in the future OP.

You are technically correct in that you are not obligated to your daughter, but neither is she obligated to help you out when you are old.
Neither my mother or my MIL have done anything for me or my husband beyond what they were legally obligated to do (I.e feed, clothe and house us until the age of 18), and unsurprisingly we’re keeping our distance now that they are getting old.
Unless there is a massive drip feed, I’d help her out on this occasion, and remind her that she has to plan ahead going forward.

I would never watch my DD struggle but I do think context is important here.

They would have known that the nursery was closed and chose not to find reliable childcare, maybe hoping that OP would have no choice but to do it.

We don’t know if OP works and how this is going to impact her week.

The baby also has a dad and he probably has parents too and so I can understand OP being frustrated if she’s the only one having to drop everything.

I would be double checking she hasn't booked a term time nursery and is expecting you to cover every school holiday last minute...

It's your choice but don't be surprised when your daughter starts making choices too.

OP obviously hides it well 😉

I don’t think you should feel obliged to help if you don’t want to. I think it’s unfair that people have kids and expect free childcare whenever they demand it. If people WANT to help, that’s different but baby sitting for a whole week is very different to the odd evening.
For context, we had no family to help out ever with baby sitting. My mother wouldn’t help and my DS’ dad’s family don’t live in this country. We managed.

Yes, as others have said, be careful. Both my parents are dead, but my FIL never babysat for us once (in 18 years) even though he only lived a 5 minute walk away. When the boot was on the other foot and he needed care, he understood the position. Similarly, my MIL (they were divorced), overnight once every 6 months, even though just a 30 minute drive, she also understands the position.

Help out but see how the land lies going forward. It may be a genuine one- off mistake.

Maybe she knows her daughter better than any of us do? Maybe that's her daughter's modus operandi? I had a friend like this who would start with needing help in an "emergency", then try to make that help permanent when the emergency was well past. She did this with everyone, until people realised her manipulative tricks.

I hope you're not expecting visits or care when you're elderly. My grandparents were very involved. They never needed formal care because they had their children and grandchildren rally round to support them when needed. We were all there because we had close bonds and they had always been there for us. It's sad how so many families aren't like that in our society anymore. So much reliance on adult social services and state funded childcare because people don't support their own families.

You are well within your rights to say no, it’s your life. But remember these choices have consequences, if you can help I’m sure she would appreciate it. Would you feel good knowing she’s just back to work and already struggling and you’re choosing not to help?