Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

This!

I visited one nanny once a month on a Saturday afternoon and loved to see her, I remember her making me sugar sandwiches and we all hung out together in her living room.

I saw my other nanny and grandad slightly less but for the whole day and Boxing Day was always at their house. I remember it being a big deal when they went abroad for the first time and they bought all my cousins and myself a present from Spain. Then sadly my nan died. I then remember visiting my DGD who had a dog and my DGD and I used to take him for walks. We had a very special bond and a shared love of fitness.

Then you don't know many people

Maybe this damages your relationship and you get little time with the grandchild. How would you feel then?

I would imagine she would feel like she's raised a manipulative, spoilt brat of a daughter

I don’t know any family that has the grandparents looking after the children 5 days a week…and I know many people!

This is sad to read, if you can help out I don’t know why you wouldn’t. Are you not very maternal or do you have the mindset of ‘I’ve done my time’.. I’d be truly lost without my mum’s support. She helps out with school runs, encourages me and my partner to have child free time every now and then and I will absolutely do the same if my children decide to have kids.

I have a 3yo and a 1yo and my husband and I both work full-time. Without the support of our parents (mainly mine, but my MIL is also very willing to help as needed!) we would be extremely stressed managing the frequent illnesses that come with nursery. They'll also babysit for us if we ask (not very often, maybe every 6-8 weeks so we can have an evening out or see friends etc)

My parents also, by choice, collect the kids early from nursery one afternoon a week to take them out to lunch and spend time together until we get home from work. We still pay for 5 full days as they do have medical appointments etc as they're getting older and I never want them to feel obligated or under pressure with providing regular childcare.

I say all of this to explain how amazing their support is both for me and my work life, and for my kids. The relationship they're developing is amazing and nothing like I had with my own grandparents. My relationship with them has definitely improved since having kids.

I think it's ok to have boundaries regarding notice (in the event of closures, not really possible for illnesses!), and if you genuinely have plans then obviously no one would expect you to cancel. But I'd think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to have going forward with your daughter and grandchild.

I’m a GM, complete opposite to you, and would feel honoured and love this.

Yes, I’m sure people are falling over themselves to spend hours every week visiting their parents who would begrudge them a couple of hours of downtime, or the ability to do the food shop without a child in tow.

I have been a single parent since my youngest was 5 - now 20. Neither of them are interested in having children so this is all,probably hypothetical for me, but I absolutely do not want to do any childcare. The thought of dealing with small children/babies even now, at 52, exhausts me and I can only imagine that as I get older I’ll be even less keen.
my parents didn’t do childcare for me, but they visited us, we visited them and the girls kept in touch through phone calls and now WhatsApp. They have lovely relationships with both sets of grandparents (and their dad). When my parents need help then I’d be happy to give it to them because I, their child and they raised me and supported me and loved me all my life. I certainly wouldn’t use their lack of childcare for my daughters as a reason to not give them help.

Do you want to have a future relationship with your grandchildren and daughter?

I wouldn't choose this particular time (the upset and stress of going back to work after mat leave for your precious first born baby) and this particular issue (childcare, which will be seen as a lack of acceptance, lack of love, poor priorities on your part) to turn into a teaching moment.

Pick lower stakes, less emotive issues to "help her learn"

I do, actually.

I also have 2 children at primary school, and it’s a rare sight to see a grandparent drop off or collect a kid from school. Same applied when my children were at nursery.

Where are all these grandparents raising their grandchildren 5 days a week, I wonder?

64% of children aged 0-3 attend nursery in the UK.

It’s around 90% for children aged 3-4.

The stats don’t reflect your claims at all.

You need to decide what you want. I can understand not wanting to offer regular childcare, but then if it isnt scheduled you open yourself up to more ad hoc requests. Which by their very nature are at shorter notice.

Or you can stand by NO childcare. Thats your prerogative. They arent yours and youve no obligation. But dont you want to be close to your DGC? Ultimately its your call, you were clear you wouldnt help so she knows the score.

But if it were me, id ask if my principles were a barrier to my long term happiness

There's a very unpleasant, transactional tone to some of these posts. 'No childcare, no relationship with your grandchildren.' 'No childcare, I won't take care of you when you're old'.

I can only assume that those posters were given everything they ever wanted in childhood and grew into spoilt brat adults.

Nasty.

Because a lot of grandparents can't offer childcare anymore as they still work full time so they are putting their foot down. If you choose to have a child you need to figure these things out not just expect your parents to drop everything to become childcare

I don't yet have GCs, but if my daughter said this to me I would be disappointed and annoyed - that two adults (presumably it wasn't an immaculate condition) could be so feckless as to bring a child into the world, sign an employment contract and not check whether nurseries were closed at Easter, whilst expecting me to pick up the slack just because this is what female family members are supposed to do. I would be having words but would probably look after the GC if there were no other option as I wouldn't want the child to suffer or the daughter to lose her job.

Yes it's nice for a village to raise a child but no one should have a child and just assume the village will do this, without checking that the village wants to.

My parents only ever looked after my children twice in emergencies and as adults my DCs have a warm relationship with their GPs though obviously not as close as someone partly brought up by GCs. Their GPs showed a genuine interest whenever they saw them. I wouldn't dream of withdrawing my current support from my elderly parents because they didn't do childcare. They supported me in other ways. If I have GCs I hope to look after them sometimes, but won't be making a regular commitment. I've had a lifetime of regular commitments! Different families work differently and I find it so frustrating that in 2026 so many women seem to think older women have a moral obligation to provide regular childcare by virtue of their gender. Some women enjoy childcare more than others and some are better at it. We don't expect all GPs to fix their adult children's cars or their gardens or their finances - we accept that some people are able and willing to do this, and some aren't.

I think this is really sad. Sad that you are calling your daughter unreliable (when she doesn't seem to be - this is an easy thing to overlook when just starting back to work). Sad you are unsure about helping her when she needs it. And most sad that you aren't leaping at the chance to see your grandchild.
Honestly if you need convincing to look after this child, then you aren't the best person to provide care for them.

People are definitely showing their true colours.

I’m quite staggered at the entitlement on this thread, especially the questions about what the poster does with her time- whether she has other caring responsibilities or works.

That doesn’t make any difference! She is not a resource to be used or a support human. She’s as entitled as anyone else to pursue her own happiness and spend her time as she wishes. Do you really think grandmothers - and it’s nearly always grandmothers - are never entitled to any freedom from caring responsibilities?

If you choose to have children, then you price it out and decide whether you can afford it both financially and whether you’re suited to the loss of personal free time for a period, how you’ll sort childcare, whether you can afford no, one only or more children. No-one owes you help.

None of this means that most healthy grandparents won’t help in an emergency or even on a regular basis if that’s been agreed in advance. But that’s different from the expectation that others must support your lifestyle and choices.

Families should try to help each other out in times of need. Unless there is a huge backstory, she has asked a favor from you next week, if you are in a position to do so, I would offer to help her out. Obviously it would be different if she was taking the piss and doing this everytime there is a school holiday, and asking you last minute, but this is the first time.

You would be disappointed… wow.

Why do you say your DD is unreliable?

My grandparents never did childcare for us and one we saw most days as was on the school run so on our way home we visited my mum had a cuppa and we played with nan. My other nan we see less often but she would always be organising big family bbq, bonfire night, Christmas, birthday parties, family holidays etc as she had a big house with lots of land. I had a great relationship with both up to their passing

I mean on one hand "you do you"...
There's no way i would take this kind of position...

You read as being totally divorced from the realities of being a mother in 2026.
Job security is at an all time low, we are in a COL crisis, childcare costs are through the roof....
Like... why do you want to make your child's life EVEN harder?

I think if you decline you can expect to maintain any kind of meaningful relationship.
Shes asking for help as she ramps back up at work not regular childcare.