Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

Are you serious?

I don’t know how your family works, but my children are part of our larger family in their own right. They’re not just my kids.

Their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc actually want a relationship with them and enjoy spending time with them. And they make the effort to do so.

“Oh sorry dear, but you chose to have children. If you want me to have a relationship with them, you’ll need to bring them to me.”

This is exactly how you destroy a relationship with your adult children. I can’t imagine my parents being that disinterested in my children. I’m not sure most people would tolerate that.

Any specific reason why you don’t want to be a part in your grandkids life’s ? Seems a bit abrupt .

It isn't nice or kind to not bother to make arrangements for your own child and expect others to pick up the slack when your child is your responsibility.

You don't stop being a parent once your child becomes an adult but they are also an adult and need to take responsibility for their own child they decided to have.

Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But then, going by your previous posts on this thread, you appear to think people are automatically entitled to childcare from their parents because 'family', and aren't entitled to a relationship with them if they don't give it. And that isn't a view I share. It's perfectly possible to build a relationship between kids and their grandparents without treating one's parents as free labour.

And it's really disrespectful to assume it's easier for a grandparent to travel than for the child to be brought to them. Ideally both parties would take turns, but your post sounded like you thought because working parents are 'incredibly time poor' the effort should all come from the grandparents - who, apart from anything else, may still be working and time poor themselves. Just saying.

Completely agree with this- families help each other out, upwards & downwards. Sounds like the OP will be lonely in her older age if she goes down the ‘I only look after myself, my time is too precautionary help anyone else out’ route….

And was your mother able to cope with this? Not everyone can.

I couldn’t live with myself if I were OP. I would never want to be a mother or a person like that

Same as my situation! My parents benefitted from both sets of their parents offering & undertaking lots of childcare for them. My parents also got to retire early at 55 (13 years earlier than my husband and I can) - they let their parents go into homes rather than help & have said they don’t want to ‘waste any early retirement looking after their parents nor helping out with grandchildren (we have never asked for regular childcare). My mum did mention the other day though she expects my sister & I to pay & take them on holiday for their belated 60th birthdays (they have more money than us & just inherited off of my paternal grandparents- we didn’t inherit) & that she expects us to help them as they get older (they are perfectly fit and we’ll currently & both fully retired)
it seems many of their friends are the same. I get the impression the boomer generation happily accepted lots of childcare support from their parents, accepted all their inheritance, retired on full wage pensions in mid fifties & expect the spend the rest of their lives only looking after themselves & going on holiday with friends fully expecting their own children then to look after and support them when they become older & need help/company. As in my parents & parents words now they are all early 60’s - ‘but it’s us and our generation who deserve it’. - apparently no fucks given to any other generation older or younger.

for note- neither my sister or I will be providing support & we’ve told them we can’t afford to or have spare A/L to take them on holiday to a Greek island like they expect!!

No, I absolutely don’t think people are automatically entitled to childcare at all. All my children were in nursery and I never needed, or expected, that kind of childcare from them. Nor do I actually know anyone who needed or expected similar.

My husband and I both have a business, which we are incredibly busy with. We often work weekends too, and have to juggle that between the kids’ activities, play dates, family time and our own down time. My parents, however, want to see and spend time with my children more often than I have the time to visit them, and so they will arrange to take them out for the day on a weekend, have them for dinner one night, the occasional overnight etc.

The problem is though, that for some reason (on Mumsnet at least) any kind of spending time with grandchildren without the parent present, is considered childcare.

The OP said that she had made clear that she wasn’t prepared to provide any childcare for her grandchild.

It is my view that it is impossible to have a satisfactory relationship with one’s grandchild if you are not at least prepared to undertake some kind of childcare I.e. one on one time with your grandchild.

If grandparents won’t even make an effort to do that, I think it’s fair for the parents to assume a disinterest towards their children and the very real consequences of that are that the relationship will suffer.

It’s simple cause and effect.

and I'd never want to be a daughter who demands childcare and tries to guilt and manipulate my own mother into it by claiming that a nursery is closing for a week with apparently no warning over Easter.

That clarification is useful and I can see where you are coming from. I think it's the definition of childcare that's been the sticking point in parts of this thread. I wouldn't personally class grandparents taking their grandkids out for the day, for example, as childcare, it's just taking them out for the day. Some scenarios I've read about on MN, though, really do take the piss with entitled individuals expecting their parents to act essentially as free childminders on a long-term basis. And it sounds as though if OP isn't careful, she could end up in that position.

I think I’d help her out on this occasion, returning to work will be stressful enough for her. She’s still learning the ropes with nursery. But repeat what you said, childcare is not an option, now or in the future. I wouldn’t even add an emergency exclusion, because you’ll soon find there are a lot of those.

I think it's the definition of childcare that's been the sticking point in parts of this thread.

Agree.

I don’t class grandparents taking their grandchildren out for the day as childcare either, but even the stats from studies that are often posted on these threads in relation to the numbers of grandparents who are providing childcare for their grandchildren, include this as such.

What’s so sad is that grandparents can’t simply be grandparents. They have to take in the caring role. There is a big difference between having your grandchildren for a few hours and taking responsibility for them a set amount of time, usually regularly each week. This is sometimes too much for elderly grandparents so they see little of their DGC.
Being a grandparent used to be less full on and therefore be better.

That's sad, you must have been heartbroken, l hope that your DD comes and visits with your gc.

I think if you can and want to look after them why not?

Just be honest in the future when you don’t want to?!

What do you mean the nursery has 'unexcpectedly closed'? Nurseries don't unexpectedly closed. It sounds as if she may have chosen to book the DC into a term time nursery and expected her mum to pick up the rest of the childcare for her, despite her mum saying that she didn't want to take on regular childcare.

Nope. They have little money to travel. They changed jobs at smaller pay. They rent flat that is smaller than the house they own. If we want to see the grandchildren, we pay to travel to see them. The grandchildren miss us and we miss them. We do not miss their selfish, self centered parents.

I have never heard of a term time only nursery, but presumably they exist. I can't imagine how they would work for anyone except teachers/TAs. It's important to bear in mind that if this is the OP's poor DD's first child, then unless she works in education, she may not have realised that school Easter holidays were only a week away.

Apart from all of that, all the people excusing the OP's awful post and saying how expectations on grandparents are too high, stop overlooking the fact that OP is not going to do any childcare ever. Not 'maybe she just meant not every week'. She's not doing any, in any circumstances and her post is full of contempt for her daughter. Hopefully her DD will draw some firm boundaries with her difficult mother.

Well she should have, considering that it’s actual Easter, not just a random holiday.

”Poor DD” my arse. Why is this adult woman being infantilised for making an arse of going back to work and arranging suitable childcare. - something all of us with jobs and children have also had to navigate at some time. It’s not easy no but equally it’s hardly rocket science and she’s only managed to fuck it up only a week in. Doesn’t bode well for the longer term.

"Hopefully her DD will draw some firm boundaries with her difficult mother."

How hypocritical.
The mother has drawn firm boundaries with her daughter but shes being difficult?
Read what you said and put some thinking into it.

Why is she a 'poor DD'? She simply didn't check or pretended not to check the nursery's available dates properly. The OP says she has form of not bothering to organise things and probably expects others to step in at the last minute because of her mistakes. Presumably the DD went to school like the rest of us and is aware of the concept of school holidays and is capable of checking a nursery timetable. For those of us who had no possibility of grandparental help, being disorganised was not an option.

You are incorrect that she's not doing any childcare at all. She has already agreed to do a day or two to help her DD out. I suspect she meant that she doesn't want to do any regular childcare but would be happy to step in if there was a genuine emergency. It may be that she said she didn't want to do regular childcare in order to draw boundaries because of her DD's difficult behaviour.
I'm the first to criticise grandparents who can't be bothered to visit, spend time with and make an effort with their grandchildren but I don't think that this is the case here.

You can look forward to very little relationship with your grandchild I think. Well done.

Why? Because OP isn’t prepared to be a pushover?

because only babysitting is the only way to build a relationship with grandchildren?
my mil never minded her grand kids hardly ever but had days out dinners birthdays etc with them and their patents . they are now in their 20s and visit and call her every week. they have their own WhatsApp group with her too sending photos etc of their travels.