Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

How nearby are you to your daughter and grandchild?

Well, it's up to you of course OP. But if it was me I would do this for my DD.

She is lovely but everything is last minute.com with her. If I keep coming to the rescue when will she ever learn?
I’ll take on board some of the comments and might reconsider a day or two.

I would help her out for half the week but expect her partner or other grandparents to do the other half. I think you are getting a hard ride here OP. Not everyone wants or is able to look after grandchildren. I have looked after my 2 grandsons since the oldest was 1. Hes 7 now and the youngest is 4 and it is very tiring, even just doing 2 days a week. You've made it clear to her that you won't be childcare.

So your issue is that it’s short notice?

What if she asked if you could look after your grandchild for… a weekend in July, so she could go away. Would you do it? Because you gave the impression in your OP that you have decided that you will never help her with childcare. If that’s the actual case, then be prepared to have a very bad relationship with her and with your grandchildren.

I think you're perfectly within your rights to refuse to help with childcare. It isn't an obligation.

But likewise, your dd will be perfectly within her rights not to provide support for you when you are older. Because that won't be an obligation either.

In my opinion, families work best when they help each other. And most people reap what they sow. But if you're happy with that, then do as you wish!

I’ve no grandchildren yet but like you I wouldn’t do regular childcare, though I would help out in an absolute emergency. In this case I’d compromise and do a couple of days but make it clear it’s not to become the norm and she has to make alternative arrangements when nursery is closed

Stand your ground.

and this ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of the death of the family.

I’m going to project for a moment. I am aware I don’t know OP’s circs. But I see this all the time and always think the same:

I spent more time at my Nana’s (mums mum) growing up than I did at home. After school, school hols, even some weekends. We had such a close and nurturing relationship. I’ve never felt such full, whole, limitless love and fun than I did from her. Unconditional.

My own mother is the same as this OP. Despite benefiting from years of free childcare for me (she didn’t even work, she was a SAHM 😂) she won’t provide any babysitting. Not an evening so we can go out for a meal, not an hour so I can go to the supermarket alone. No back story, no arguments, no SEND or health needs on either side, no behavioural issues. Just selfishness.

I hope I can be half as good of a Nana to my grandchildren one day, as the Nana I had was. Those moments are golden and what life is all about.

on this occasion i would be flexible and say you can do 50% of it as you have plans and cannot change them
if she kicks off, retract the lot.

i've never relied on family for childcare, they get the best bits not the crap - they offer and i accept, never expect

I am assuming she is an adult and still does this so she probably won't learn now. I think you can ask her if there is nobody else .to.watch them, i would do it this time but I think you have to tell her and be firm if you don't want to baby sit.

I think it would be better all round if you weren't involved.

What are your reasons for not helping out with child care? I would 100% jump at the chance to do this for my dd, however, I get the feeling I’ll still be working full time when dd has dcs ☹️

Where’s the child’s father? Where her father? Why are you the only one she’s asking? Has she tried to take annual or parental leave?

You know her better than we do. If you think this was always the plan then I wouldn’t cover the whole week as she’ll just keep carrying on like this.

FWIW, you’re posting and getting a very hard time. If she was posting saying she hadn’t bothered to check when her childcare was closed so she was expecting you to do the whole week there’d be just as loud a response from people on here telling her not to be so entitled, that you’re allowed your own life, no one’s entitled to free childcare and as a parent she needs to be more organised.

I think I'd stand firm. She needs to be more organised, at least give more notice than what, it's for Monday? Where's the dad/nct friends/other family/in-laws?

I am so glad neither my mum or my MIL is like you. Sorry but you sound truly cold hearted.

You’re within your rights to do what you like, but you of course shouldn’t then expect that your daughter will take you to doctor’s appointments or sort out any other arrangements for you when you’re older

😂

Do you mean you wont watch your grandkids, ever? I would never expect my mum to do childcare regularly but she would never ever leave me in the lurch if I needed her in an emergency or as a one off, same as my gran did for her. I feel very lucky my mum is how she is after reading how others are.

yep! Grim

It's unusual for nurseries to be shut for a whole week after Easter.

I wouldn't give a flat no, but I would reiterate that you have told her you don't want to provide full time childcare. I'd want to have a chat about what other options she has explored (e.g. sharing the childcare between other family members rather than expecting you to do it all) and I'd also want to check what other times of year the nursery shuts and her plans for covering those.

My mother has never had either of my kids apart from one time when she turned up to visit unannounced and I was being sent to the hospital, she watched my DD for 45 minutes until dp got home, she then went home immediately and never even text to ask how I was. We've been nc 7 years now. She reminds me of you. Have fun in the future where the grandchildren you're so excited for, never see you.

It's not unusual, it'll be a term time nursery.

If you meant it, then stick to it. Personally I find that pretty awful, but if you don’t want to do any babysitting then you need to tell her what you’ve said previously. Just don’t wonder later down the line why your daughter & her family don’t bother visiting you.

It is up to you. However, do you actually want to maintain a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren? Because this is exactly the way to make sure you only see them 1-2 times a year.