Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

This thread is making me so grateful for my own family

In what way?

Because we would always step in to help one another if we could. We’re supportive and generous, we do the best for one another. We aren’t transactional, we don’t withhold support for fear that it might become expected. We look out for each other and don’t keep score.

My children are at my parents today so I can go into the office during school holidays. Don’t know what I would do without them. Sounds like your dd will be very comfortable without you and your zero support.

Wow! We can certainly see the difference between those that have children that are likely to need childcare and those that are expected to provide it!

I wonder if the people who expect their parents to provide the care will be equally as happy to provide it to their own grandchildren... when they may still be working, they are likely to be less physically resilient, more tired, have more aches and pains and have been looking forward, at last, to finally being able to do things for themselves!

I am now donning my hard hat and waiting for the nasty responses to come from those who have NO idea what level of help I may, or may not, have given or received and who have NO idea of my, or the OP's, personal circumstances.

If people want to commit themselves to looking after small children when they’ve already done it as parents, that’s a personal decision, just as it is to say that having raised your own children and now approaching retirement you would like to spend your time as you choose.

I can guarantee that those expecting their parents to give up their retirement years to provide free childcare will be full of excuses when it’s their turn.

I literally said to my dh tonight I’m going to the best grandma - because I’m so grateful my mum has taken all our washing from our long weekend away to do for us.

Exactly "grandchildren" not children and not the op responsibility. I help out on odd days here and there then there was much huffing and complaining when I booked a holiday. Even the mil came and complained that my holiday had messed up her plans as she was asked last minute and could I liase with her re my hols. As I told her they had plenty of warning I was not available, the children are not my responsibility and no I would not be "liasing" with her when booking any time away. In this instance I might offer to cover a couple days but the daughter should know the nursery schedule and sort appropriate alternative. I think the odd emergency care us ok but believe me Ive been caught out and so have several of my retired friends so be careful.

I wonder how many of those saying grandparents should step in and help with childcare will step in and care for their elderly parents when they need help? Somany grandparents are "useful" until the grandchildren start senior school then they are cast aside. Many are then rarely visited by their child or grandchild because they are "busy" and are not able to reciprocate help if needed.

This thread is a perfect illustration of all that’s wrong with society. People unable to grasp that there is a central line between two extremes that the vast majority walk comfortably.

At one end we have the poor sod grandparents - usually let’s face it grandmothers - who work till they drop dead with no effective retirement or time to themselves who are expected to be the full time and default unpaid carers for however many grandchildren who come along. Always taken for granted. The parents believe that these older adults sole value is in their labour and if they don’t welcome this they are cold horrors devoid of love who don’t deserve ever to see their grandchildren and can’t expect any visits even in extreme illness or old age.

At the other end we have grandparents like my friend’s parents who decline a rare and panicked call for help from their loving attentive daughter to babysit a five year old while dad is away with work and mum has to take his big brother seven year old who’s had an accident to A&E. The grandparents have ‘dinner plans’.

In the middle we have loving grandparents and pleasant normal children who visit each other and where the grandparents babysit for nights out, weddings and on occasion when wee ones are too sick for school. Emergency help. A week or so perhaps in the summer holidays. Or maybe a kind offer to do a day a week childcare of whatever greatly appreciated by the nice normal parents who try very hard not to take that for granted…They are grandparents - not full time carers or substitute parents.

Most people are in the last category.