Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

A week with a young child is my idea of fresh hell (as a mother to young children). My MIL gave us the same talk you did, it was helpful tbh. Boundaries were established and when she wants to help with our children she does, not in reverse. She isn’t a paid babysitter. Shes actually great with our family, and we’re lucky to have hers fully respect her decision though.

How much childcare did your parents do for you?

I was never ever looked after by my DGP’s and had lovely relationships with them.

"Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed." is a rather ungenerous thing to say about your daughter without further context.

Are you certain you were excited about having a grandchild? Being a hands-on grandparent, offering support in the early days yes even when it's a bit short notice, might benefit your relationship with your family in the longer term.

I don't understand what your daughter has done to warrant you deciding to continue to 'teach' her lessons in this manner. Have you forgotten that young babies are quite hard work, meaning you do become forgetful of things sometimes? What bitterness/resentment are you holding on to here?

My parents did nothing to help me. Ever. PiL do the absolute bare minimum. Never any sort of childcare.

I still feel resentment years later ☹️ for that reason I think YABU.

You don't need to be childcare to have a good relationship with children people can still visit, go for days out, go on holiday. She just doesn't want to put her life on hold to parent again and I don't blame her

What reason does she need, apart from not wanting to do it?

I’d be interested to know how you managed to build that relationship with them.

Did your parents host them, or visit them often?

Why did you expect other to put their lives on hold to raise your children that you chose to have

Op you dont need a reason NO is NO simple your know ones babysitter.
I mean you have raised your family she can now raise hers.
No child care well shes an adult and a mother she has to sort it out herself, what if you was not around, she would have to deal with it somehow.

Just because we have parents dont mean they owe us chilcare.

They was a thread a while back that asked netters would you are you going to provide child care for your grandkids, guess what alot of netters said NO.

Entirely reasonable to not provide childcare. It certainly shouldn't be a conversation that's necessary after a birth except when someone has unexpectedly fallen pregnant. The thinking about logistics is a big part of a decision to have children. That might sound terribly cold, but parenting is 99% practicalities and 1% running in the sun with ice creams. This romantic idea that grandparents are all misty eyed about looking after kids again is unrealistic and entitled. (I equally am carefully making plans for proper care should I need it, that's my self responsibility).

😂 good one. Did I hope for some help? Yes. Absolutely. Did I want them to raise my children? No.

Your daughter is an adult now so it’s unlikely she will stop being last minute and flakey, probably should have been addressed when she was younger. She might get a bit of a kick up the arse in motherhood, but don’t expect big change now.

You’re within your rights to say no, but you can’t complain when you grandchild prefers their paternal grandparents or your DD doesn't want to help you out when you’re old.

But this is what some people seem to expect. Parents go back to full time work and barely change their lives and suddenly grandparents are raising the kids 5 days a week for years

I think you are getting a hard time. I have seen so many of my friends use their parents as free child care and the grandparents don't have a minute to themselves run ragged and then there resentment builds up. you get lots of posts here mumsnet saying to patents that they are not entitled to free childcare and should arrange proper paid childcare.
in this case though i would give your daughter benefit if doubt a bit given only back to work and child just started childcare. you need to talk to her to see does she have a list of closing dates for the nursery for rest of year and has she factored this in with either paying for a childminder taking annual leave parental leave etc for those days. you don't mention her partner ? is there not one around ? or do you work still yourself?
I agree with offering 2 days for next week. in our family we have paid childcare however family is asked for emergency and for weddings etc. for the later we know in advance so it's planned emergency is for when kids sick and parents can't take time off work for example. it doesn't happen often but it does happen
however I am of the opinion you can have a bond with your grandchild by spending time with both parent and grandchild with lunches time in park or zoo - not just being a babysitte

This is very true. I still had a relationship with my granny who we just visited from time to time. But it was nothing like the relationship I had with my aunt (same age as my granny) who did loads of childcare for my parents as we grew up. She's absolutely a big part of the reason why I'm the person I am today. My happiest childhood memories are from being at her house.

You can still have a good relationship but it's naieve to think it will be on the same level if someone is less hands on than someone else.

Odd day is fine. Hard to say 5 day care is hard my friend is worn out some weeks. My mam never helped out had reared us. It was hard but just had to manage... Op is it odd cover or more regular childcare?

You have kids you raise them, other people are not going to do your job.
Put off my free or spare time to babysit flat out no, no reason needed.

When my aunt’s oldest son had a baby my aunt was very black and white like this - she told everyone she wasn’t doing any childcare - said it over and over again. I remember visiting just after the baby was born and her daughter in law kept saying we get the message, don’t worry we won’t ask.

and they never did. The kids are now in their teens and barely know my aunt and she complains all the time about not being close to them, and the other grandparents (who did all the childcare) now get all the kids attention.

I love having my grandaughter when nursery is closed. She’s and absolute joy. I like to help my daughter and son in law too. I don’t do regular childcare but help out in such circumstances. I did it this for one day and rh other grandparents did the other day.

Disagree.

Most people don’t have time to visit/plan days out with grandparents that regularly, nor do they have enough annual leave to spend holidays with them regularly either.

Having your grandchild for a couple of hours a week, or on the weekend, to spend some time with them, isn’t exactly putting your life on hold to parent again. Actively wanting to and actually spending time with someone is how you build a relationship.

But i don't need to have a relationship that's on par or better then the child's parents its not my kid. I have a very close relationship with all my nieces and nephews as I spend a lot of time with them, they grew up with my kids but I certainly didn't need to look after them without their parents there 5 days a week to achieve this

I’ve never known anyone who has grandparents “raising” their children 5 days a week.

If you have a few hours a week free for childcare then you have a few hours free a week to actually visit

I can honestly say that the look of delight on my grandchildren’s faces when they see Grandma is something that I wouldn’t swap for anything.
I have helped with childcare fairly regularly since newborn but always with the understanding that if I cannot help,everyone is cool about it.
My daughter and SIL are very appreciative . It is tiring but I will only help when it works for me. I do expect advance notice but obviously sometimes if baby spikes a temperature at nursery I will go and collect if I am nearby.