AIBU to consider a date with a man who is sectioned under the MH act

[babypickles]

Am I being unreasonable to arrange a date with a guy who is currently sectioned in a mental health facility?

I first met him at a support group and I joined a group WhatsApp. We have been talking for a few months on WhatsApp now (privately) and he is so warm, open and supportive we really get on like a house on fire.

He recently told me he had feelings and would love the opportunity to date me. I wouldn’t say he’s my type in terms of physical appearance but his persona is appealing to me. He is very emotionally available.

Am I being delusional ?

Some responses on here are actually shocking. It just goes to show the stigma is VERY real.

Probably the fake #bekind brigade out in force.

I would get this moved to the MH board. People are less twatish there.

If you're so dead set on starting a relationship with someone in a vulnerable position that you get bent out of shape when people rightly think you're being a creep, why did you bother starting a thread about it? Just crack on with your plans and don't bother canvassing opinion if you don't care to find out what the broader public thinks of you.

This can’t be a for real post surely ?!
if it is real- then definitely do not date this man

Also there will be people replying who have no understanding at all because they have never experienced being sectioned or knowing someone who was sectioned. They are probably picturing people in straight jackets or screaming and shouting/being violent. Who knows. It’s just a shame that they comment without knowledge.

Absolutely no no no. It's not as if it's somebody you know.

agreed. Statistically the majority of replies will
be from people totally clueless about sectioning, and it’s clear they are

I dated someone who had previously been sectioned and it was fine when he was stable. He was reflective about his illness and was a lovely man and supportive boyfriend.

unfortunately he got very unwell again and was in denial about it. I tried for a long time to support him but ultimately he became abusive. It was very sad as I knew it was due to his illness and really not him at all. But I just couldn’t live like that.

that was in 1997/98 and from what I’ve heard he’s regularly been in and out of hospital since then sadly.

Except I haven’t said any of this have I.

Do you have any idea how high the bar is for being sectioned in the UK these days? You say he's emotionally available. You really can't possibly know this. He's very vulnerable and it's absolutely not the time to start a relationship. You also don't know what you would be exposing yourself to. I don't think people are being judgmental. You seem to have no idea what you might be walking into.

Sorry you have had some insensitive responses on here, @babypickles . I'd say just take things really slowly. Treat it as a friendship that may lead on to something more in the future.
He's probably not in the best place right now for him to be sensibly able to make any bigger commitment than that, but meanwhile I'm sure you can give a lot to each other in a potentially growing friendship. xxx

Considering that in order to get sectioned you have to pose a risk of harm to yourself or others, I think his current state of mind definitely makes him vulnerable. How do you know what he would/will want when he’s better? Best for both of you to say “not right now” in my opinion.

This is from someone who has a loved one who has been sectioned multiple times. I’m not coming from a fearful or stigma perspective.

Yes that is my gut feeling. (About him being vulnerable).

He is really an extraordinary person. He’s very self aware and open. Again I’m aware that “real life” could present completely differently than WhatsApp exchanges.

I don’t want him to feel hurt or rejected but I will be honest with him about my concerns.

Honestly my concern is less that he is a red flag. But more that you are.
Why are you considering a relationship with someone in such a vulnerable position?

It’s inappropriate to start dating a person in such a vulnerable state in their life that they need sectioning for their own safety.

Ignorance works both ways

I’ve been in group therapy. Being in a relationship with someone you’ve met is strongly discouraged. Even continuing a friendship with someone you meet in therapy is ill advised.

None of these relationships end well, you appear to have found your soulmate because you share a trauma but what you create is more likely to be a toxic codependency. If this man is currently so unwell he’s sectioned he is months or even years away from being fully well. There are other emotionally available men but this one needs a swerve.

I'm not sure that this would be a good idea, OP

Well it depends why he is hospitalised and how his recovery is going.

Speaking as someone who was hospitalised for my MH many years ago, it’s a bit sad to see that some people will write others off for a difficult health spell.

Would you have the same attitude towards someone who had cancer or a chronic illness?

He is absolutely not in the right head space to even think about getting into a relationship and the fact he is suggesting a date is a massive red flag.

He should be focusing solely on himself.

I have had family members and friends who’ve been sectioned and they are all lovely people, so I would never say not to date anyone who’s been sectioned but no way would I ever say to date whilst they have been sectioned.

In fact, I would never date anyone who is currently sectioned in a MH facility, prison, living with an ex wife or their parents (unless there was a good reason), as way too many people cannot be alone and they will try and cling to people so that they can live with them/be taken care of.

You also need to think about how fragile he is and what happens if you’re not ready to commit to anything too serious but he wants to move faster or you want to end things completely - he could end up hurting himself and you’ll struggle to end things as you will feel guilty as you have him hope or whatever.

Unfortunately people can be trauma bonded and form attachments with people because of past trauma and it’s hard to see whether the person is actually right for them.

You are going to do what you want to do but my advice is to take things very, very slowly and remain just friends for a long time.
Any kind of pushing from him to make things go faster or if he’s starting to struggle with his MH again, then run!

I am assuming you don’t have kids?
Who do you live with?

I think if someone is so unwell they are sectioned the last thing they need is the emotional upheaval of a new relationship. He is a vulnerable person and not necessarily based placed to act in his own best interests. You are presumably not, so if you care for his wellbeing should do the responsibile thing and not engage with him in this way while he is so ill.

For me it’s not that he WAS hospitalised, it’s that he still IS hospitalised.

There is a big difference.

One of the reasons I would word it “not right now” is so he doesn’t feel rejected at a time when he might feel it more acutely.

There is also a big difference between being hospitalised (agreeing you need help) and being sectioned (refusing help you clearly need and having to have a court ordered intervention). He’s not in a good place.

He’s sectioned under the mental health act OP. He’s likely not ready for a relationship. I think you need to step back and let him recover and maybe revisit in a while. You need to be aware that life could be very difficult, and depending on how serious his mental health condition is, the feelings you have may not be enough to get you through what could be some very tough times. Take a deep breath and think things through.

However, you did ask in the AIBU section which is not right - it should be in the MH area