AIBU to consider a date with a man who is sectioned under the MH act

[babypickles]

Am I being unreasonable to arrange a date with a guy who is currently sectioned in a mental health facility?

I first met him at a support group and I joined a group WhatsApp. We have been talking for a few months on WhatsApp now (privately) and he is so warm, open and supportive we really get on like a house on fire.

He recently told me he had feelings and would love the opportunity to date me. I wouldn’t say he’s my type in terms of physical appearance but his persona is appealing to me. He is very emotionally available.

Am I being delusional ?

I worked in MH for 22 years. I'm afraid I wouldn't get involved. He's obviously had severe mental health issues, enough to get sectioned. Which I might add, isn't taken lightly, you have to be in a pretty bad state for that to be put in place.
What do you know about his mental health history? From my experience, it's very very rare for this to be a "one off" so to speak.
I'd steer well clear, because if it is severe enough to be sectioned, any relationship is going to be unpredictable and very damaging on you.
It's one thing being with someone you know all about and them having a mental health crisis, that can happen to the best of people. But to start a relationship with someone you know very little about, then no.

Many years ago my dad met his partner in what was called a “halfway house” back then. She had previously been sectioned.

They were together 15 years, bought a house and had a mortgage. He loved her very very much. She went missing three times. The first time she turned up in Israel. The second time she turned up in a psychiatric hospital on the south coast. The last time she went missing for good and when my dad died, we still hadn’t found her.

She came into my life when I was about 10. I really loved her. She was funny, kind, intelligent, full of empathy. She wasn’t maternal but she was wonderful to me and my DB.

People who have been sectioned deserve to be loved too. They deserve to find someone who accepts them for who they are. And that means accepting and understanding that there may be relapses and that their MH may impact the relationship.

OP, you came to this thread to ask for opinion on starting a relationship with someone who is currently sectioned. And you have a child. I appreciate that you have since decided to remain just friends for now, but I think the fact that you’d even consider this is quite concerning. You might want to consider why you thought it might be feasible - do you need counselling yourself? A man who is currently sectioned is in no way fit to embark on a new relationship, no matter how kind and lovely he is. He is in an extremely vulnerable position and starting a relationship with him isn’t even a question. The concern here is not the conclusion you’ve reached but how that wasn’t obvious from the start - even more so as you are a parent.

Also you’ve mentioned that you both have the same trauma. I’m not sure this is a healthy basis for a relationship either.

By all means continue your friendship. If he returns to the community successfully, is stable, and healthy mentally you can both reconsider things at that point.

How is it derailing the thread, the poster answered with what she would do hypothetically in this situation if she was in OP's shoes. Is it not what the thread is about?

How much pain do you want?

He is warm, open and supportive. Very much so.

You need to find out why he was sectioned. People are sectioned if they are a danger to themselves or others. This is very tricky, l would tread carefully. Has he got a past with mental illness? You need to ask alot of questions and get believable answers before you meet.

In what way is he supportive, he doesn't need to be worrying about anyone but himself at the moment.

I agreebut I wouldn't delve too deep, you don't know what's real and you've been unwell yourself in the past.

He sounds like he has been a good friend to you, OP, and you are to him.
I wish him well, and that he can get back to your art group soon. Such groups are a lifeline to people. Having MH issues can be a very isolating experience, especially when you are in hospital. And art is lovely and distracting.

I am going to unfollow this thread now as some of the things people are saying about people will MH illness is upsetting me. I have been sectioned many times, and not once have I lost any empathy, or been anything but warm and supportive to those I know. I was not a danger to children, and I absolutely deserve to be loved. Thankfully my DP does not think like some of the people on here. MH stigma alive and well.

Good luck

I would always be dubious about it. The chance that history could repeat itself and the possible danger it could put me in.
I ended up in a similar situation where I met a guy a few times and he later disclosed his past, one of which was having been sectioned. His story still doesn't match up to the person I dated, who also seemed kind and emotionally available.
Now everyone is different but in that situation he explained that things can be normal one minute and the next that could all change. It was far too risky for me to proceed, especially when mental health issues have to be quite severe if they have to be sectioned.
Mental health generally is ongoing and you could be taking on a lot, as well as that possibility they could end up back in that place.

I think I’ve already left a post as I work with rehabilitating adults who are sectioned under MHA or on DOLs . I do believe you as obviously a lot can be wonderful people . But I would still recommend staying a friend and not entering a relationship . You’ve stated you understand he’s vulnerable which should already be something to consider more than you seem to ?But he should be focussed on own recovery right now if still under MHA and for a time after . But I’m not sure you’ll be very receptive to this point of view as you are deflecting any negative opinions from what I’ve seen. Just my opinion, I’m sorry .

Wow you’re getting a really hard time here OP! You asked for opinions and then reflected and said you’ll agree to stay friends for the foreseeable. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Would I date someone who is currently sectioned? No. Would I date someone who has been sectioned in the past? Yes probably - depending on circumstances. Some of the most resilient and empathetic people I know are people who have had profound MH problems or dealt with trauma and managed to work through those problems.

That's a spiteful response. You must have an extremely conventional life and sound so smug. That being said, I agree with other comments that OP should not try to pursue a relationship with someone who is currently institutionalized, as their friend will likely not be in a position to make a rational decision. It sounds as if their friend will be going through a lengthy period of rehab, and will need to focus on their recovery. There's no need to sneer, however.

If you met him at a support group does that mean you also have mental health difficulties?If he’s currently sectioned you may be better waiting till he’s fully recovered and be a good friend only till both of you are less vulnerable .

Are you and he continuing at art therapy or is it now all via WhatsApp?

Thank you

This issue was @DotAndCarryOne2 didn’t like my response!

My relative who was sectioned is not deliberately untruthful about why she was sectioned, but she genuinely doesn’t believe she was a danger to herself or others, when in reality she was making death threats to multiple people. She doesn’t remember this. So, if she were telling anyone about her own mental health her story (even when talking to me) is full of non-truths (not lies, because she believes what she’s saying) and a stranger would have no way of knowing the reality.

Yes, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to 100% believe the entire account of the circumstances around his sectioning given it’s entirely his view of the situation.

So, I was at my worst mentally in 2010 and close to being sectioned. I suffered with psychotic depression and was pretty loopy, I started meds in August 2010 and met a bloke in October 2010. I was so scared to tell him about my mental health conditions as thought he would run a mile, and I couldn't blame him as it's a lot to take on. We ended up talking about it all a few months later and he was so supportive and helped me a lot! We're married now and have 2 beautiful daughters together. He is the love of my life and my absolute rock, he's helped me through some really dark and tough times and I've helped him as well. Just be open and honest with each other really! I hope he recovers soon

Unless you have also been or are at risk of being sectioned and could only ever date someone in the same shoes because no one else would understand you, then I agree with PPs that this wouldn’t be a good idea. Leaving everything else out, would you find it easy to break things off with him if you wanted to, knowing his sectioning was due to his MH following a loss?

I think you’re wise at the moment to remain as friends. Once he leaves the MH unit and moves into a new place it’s going to be very unsettling for him and he will require lots of support to get himself back on his feet. Navigating a new relationship at the same time will make that 1000x harder.

You also need to think of yourself too of course. From what I can gather you have had MH issues yourself and it wouldn’t be fair to you jumping into a relationship with someone who is going to be really vulnerable at the moment.

stay friends, set boundaries and things might naturally happen in future when is he well again xx

Honestly OP, walk away. My mother has a history of frequent sections. She has only been sectioned when she has been absolutely bat shit crazy and very unwell indeed. The bar for sectioning is very high. He needs time and space to recover and you (to be frank) could also be putting yourself at some risk.

If he comes across that way it could be that hes clinging to you for emotional connection to "save him"

If hes sectioned in a mental health facility hes been deemed legally unsafe to himself atm

You dont want him attaching to you when he isnt in the headspace to BE open warm and supportive. Its easy to present as that when your main connection is via digital communication where his only real experience of you is what you tell him about yourself.

Being sectioned makes him emotionally unavailable. If he is appearing as open warm and supportive with you then hes prioritising pursuing you over dealing with his issues and that not good. You wouldnt want his emotional stability to become reliant on you.

I have actually said these things to him. About getting attached etc. It’s something I’m extremely mindful of.

How did he respond to that? It might be that he needs to cut this off now and reach out after hes left the facility and got back on his feet