To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Because quite often the DH/Fiance/Partner says they really really want kids, and they genuinely do, but have no clue about the level of commitment/self sacrifice that entails. They often have, as singletons vitally important hobbies that take up the whole weekend. Or regularly go for afterwork drinks with colleagues or the mates that mean they rock up home after 10 pm.

Their partner trusts that they will still be equal even if they at home, and often only find out that they are expected to do the majority of the childcaring/domestic work when they are actually in that situation. Hence the surprise and the disappointment because they thought they were a team.

It starts in Maternity leave... until then they are both equally working full time, both bringing in full salaries, suddenly one is at home with baby and not contributing as much cash to the household coffers. That's when it becomes apparent to everyone that looking after the baby/domestics is not seen as having a material value (although it does) and the idea of the "stay at home" partner not "working" as hard because not earning cash, although providing a high value service.
It's a question of the working partner considering themselves more than their partner and children and seeing how much of the domestic/childcare they can get away with not bothering with. This grows because the less they do... the less they know how to do... the less they can be relied upon and so the other parent ends up doing it so that the children are properly cared for.

Agree. OP does not want to work and her husband works hard to facilitate this. Obviously this doesn't mean he should never do any parenting but it's unfair to downplay his very significant contribution which allows the OP to live her preferred lifestyle.

And as regards the in laws I think OP sounds precious and a bit rude. My in laws sometimes repeat the same stuff, I just smile and brush it off. Life is too short to take offence at every little thing.

@amriaare there times when you go out and leave him with the kids? Surely you meet friends for coffee on weekends, have a hobby, you’re not with the kids 24/7? How does he manage with the kids for a few hours when you are not around?

Weaponised incompetence. Can you stay an overnight at your mums or a hotel in order to get a lie in? Do it weekly till he gets the message if possible. If he complains about cost, point out it is only necessary as he is incapable of not interrupting you. As soon as he is able to do this, you won’t need to. In fact, why not ask your parents in law that he is so keen to impress (yes I know im not being serious). Would be nice though to explain you are asking as your husband will only parent his children when it is visible to them.

I do get this. Some people seem to really prefer working while some prefer spending time with their children- especially when they are young it's crazy to go to a job you don't like just to pay for someone else to raise your children when you know they would be much happier with you and you with them.
Mine are 16 and 12 and I still don't work (one autistic and dh doesn't do much if anything at home which is fine now but was hard when they were younger ofcourse).

Couldn't agree more. My Dad went out to work and was completely disinterested in family life and kids. His job was paying the bills and he expected to rest with his feet up and be waited on when he was at home. My Mum stayed home because she didn't want to work, even when we were old enough to be relatively independent. It was such a toxic environment to grow up in, there was a constant air of resentment from both sides. I've really struggled to learn to recognise equal boundaries in relationships and often end up doing everything to avoid any sort of conflict.

Ask him how he's going to cope when he has them 50/50

And mean it

Oh. And get a job

Agreed.

@MyFAFOera
he does this himself kind of.

Last time they came we went out for the day and ended up doing quite a long walk that finished at a little farm. It wasn’t a quick stroll, it was a proper few hours out. He walked the whole way without a single complaint, no mention of being tired, no needing to stop for a sit down or coffee, nothing like that.

When we got there he was really hands on. He was taking the kids round to see the animals, helping them feed and pet them, properly engaging with them, playing on an adventure playground. Very active, very involved, very present the whole day.

And then at one point he actually joked, in front of his parents, something along the lines of “this is my active weekend of the month, I never normally do this, I’d usually be lying on the sofa watching football.”

So it’s not like he’s pretending to them that he’s always like that. He openly says that this isn’t his usual and that normally he wouldn’t be doing any of it.

I honestly think he says that to passively aggressively remind you that he won’t be doing it when they’re not there.

But if you respond by getting up and helping him, you are just accepting his version of the world i.e. that he can't possibly be expected to manage on his own. What's wrong with saying you had to learn how to deal with all this with no prior knowledge and so can he?

@IlovePhilMitchellperhaps, but all I’m saying is that calling him out in front of his parents won’t help or change anything

This. He's a cunt.

It sounds like he doesn't particularly enjoy spending time with children. You really do and want to spend all your time with them, so you're approaching this from very different perspectives. You can't make him enjoy spending all day with babies and toddlers. I don't, I find it incredibly dull. Difference is I chose not to have any, he chose to have three, so he's going to have to compromise and suck it up a bit. Perhaps he'll come into his own when they're a bit older and want to do things he's interested in.

I really disagree with all the PPs making out that this is a LTB-level offence. The man works all week and wants to spend his Saturdays lying on the couch watching the football. There are far worse things. You haven't really addressed various suggestions people have made. If he gets a Saturday to himself is he happy to do a family day out on a Sunday? Would you feel better if you used paid childcare to get a day to yourself through the week? You are lucky to have that option, many couples both work FT and just have no choice.

@amria for some men, until they are left to actually do childcare on their own they don’t know what it actually entails. From my experience once my DH had our DC every Monday (he worked Sat instead) he then got involved naturally with the everyday grind. I’m so thankful we had that day, it really taught him a great deal about parenting.

This may sound nuts but could you get yourself a little non-stressful Saturday job? You get the day off from the kids, get to chat to adults and your DH gets the childcare experience he really needs.

OP, who looked after DC 1 and DC 2 when you were away having DC 3 ?

Thanks for that.
Some interesting dynamics there.

Or more likely, ropes in his mum while getting hero points.

The fact he says it like it's a joke probably has his parents thinking it's actually a joke ... and he knows that.

well in that case he hasn’t got a leg to stand on! Working full time does not exempt you from parenting duties in the evening or at the weekend.

I stayed at home for the first couple of years and it was relentless and much harder than working! My husband came home from a very taxing and tiring job (making serious life/death decisions) and still got stuck in. When I went back to work full time guess what, I did the same.

your husband is just a lazy arse and although parenting children as young as yours doesn’t always yield much in the way of enjoyment you should still do it to the absolute best of your ability for their sake! He wants to be selfish and you just can’t do that with young kids.

You’re not asking for the world here. You already do the lions share of parenting.

I really don’t know what the answer is aside from reading him the riot act and that he needs to pull his weight when he’s home and hope that he will become more interested as they get older.

My mum there the whole time, DH popping in and out

@owlpassport
hes happy to do a Sunday as a family if I do the hard bits and he does the fun bits. So let’s say we go to the farm, he will gladly join but he’ll play with one child for a bit, then head for a coffee whilst I manage the kids if there’s a tantrum, he’ll point out a sheep and maybe help the kids feed it but leave me to ensure hands are washed. If they’re on some sort of kid trucks I’ll be the one chasing them whilst he browses something on his phone. At lunch he’ll sit down and eat his food whilst I ensure all the kids have what they need, cut up the food, get them water, put the bib on etc.

paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

You really need to get out and leave him on his own with the kids to learn how demanding they are.

I suggested a Sat job earlier but maybe just a hobby that takes up one whole weekend day - a team sport perhaps that you can’t miss as you’ll let the team down!

You need to nip this ‘not-my-job’ attitude he has in the bud or put up with it until your kids turn 18 and even beyond. Stop moaning and action a plan!

It is a sucky situation but you don't seem to want to take any of the options available to you to change it. I guess the point of this thread was to have a vent.

@amria paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

Umm yes seems reasonable..! I wasn't thinking of a nanny, more of dropping the younger two into a nursery for a few hours one day for a bit of a break.

And as for the rest of your post, it's not right, but it certainly isn't uncommon from what I observe around me.