To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

He does this so he looks like an amazing father to his parents. It's not to help you in that situation.

My ex was like that. He thought he could carry on with his life as if pre-dc. Go to the pub, play tennis, never do any childcare, leave everything to me 24/7. I worked full time as well. If I asked him to do anything he'd always say he worked, he was tired etc as if I spent all week arranging flowers and having my nails done.
His behaviour made him pointless. He was valueless as a partner. Who need someone who just creates more work? They are a liability.

So after 2 years I took dc and left. He claimed it was out of the blue, that I'd given up on us, that it was all my fault🙄

Life as a single mum is much easier than living with him, which, I think, says it all.

Perhaps something to consider. But go back to work, you will need your career in the future.

He is choosing not to care about you and your children which is hurtful, and you have limited options to change the difficult situation you and your kids are now in, which is frustrating. Is his uselessness and lack of care a new development?

Sensible advice here. Also OP, just have an honest conversation with your DH. When my oldest was about your eldest's age, I had to kinda reset the brain as I had had 6 years of broken sleep, juggling everything, but also having to learn how to engage with an older child, rather than baby/toddler, etc. (ie recognising that I needed to reset my approach). Maybe your DH is a bit similar and needs a reminder that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Unless he changed, you have 3 children. This can’t be a surprise to you. Consciously or not, you’ve accepted this as the price you have to pay for being able to afford to be a non working parent of 3 children. If it were a deal breaker then you’d have stopped at 1 and continued working.

You have your job, he has his. Do you go into the office and take over at his desk for an hour so he can have some time to himself?

Don’t be ridiculous.

Your situation is different. You were doing all the childcare and working full time. The home front is OP's only job, and she chose it.

This advice is always given as though it’ll magivslly make him a decent dad and husband, it won’t! She’ll just be working and still doing all of the things.

I don’t think this marriage is going to survive the resentment you will feel at his lack of care for you. I would definitely start looking for work. Childcare costs should be 50/50 - none of this ‘it’s not worth working’. That may reset the balance in your home and if it doesn’t at least it will give you more agency.

Bloody hell. I assume he actually does his job rather than watching everyone else do it without needing to be told what needs doing at every step.

Being at home with 2 young kids is no walk in the park, and it sounds like she never has a minute to herself because she’s the default parent 24/7. He isn’t even remotely pulling his weight, his poor kids.

OP you said it you have chosen to have 3 children and chose yourself not to work, so he works all week and you now what him to help you, but how do you help his with his work

by your thinking it should be give and take with both of you

I would go away and leave him to it when his parents are here and get the much needed break you need
I would have a conversation with him and be really honest that you want him to step up as a parent on the weekends and know that he can do it but is choosing not to
if he doesn’t I would seriously think about separating and I would tell him that and ask him if he would rather the single life as that is how he is acting

So her job is all day, every day? And his is week days only and feet up for the rest of time? What rubbish.

Are you deranged? It took me a minute to even attempt to comprehend your bizarre perspective.

You're basically saying that on top of the 24/7 job she already has, you expect her to also help with the husband's job too to give him a rest at work??

His 40 hours to her 168 hours? Wouldn't it make more sense for the other way around!!!?

this sounds really exhausting for you - two kids under two is hard going. I think a lot of men do struggle with small babies so I’m not surprised by your post. It’s a situation that will improve with time

Your dh isn’t going to suddenly change - seems like he’s giving off strong vibes he is “lumbered” with three kids he doesn’t really want. It is rude to ask but was dc3 the result of a contraceptive accident? It’s hard to imagine why he’d agree to a third child when he clearly has no interest in them - or he perhaps felt the deal was you raise the kids and he works?

Maybe you start trying to get him to engage with the 6 year old - eg take dc to a Saturday morning football or judo club? Cheap and cheerful. My dh loves doing active things with the kids. Once dc2 is age 3, dh can take the older two to a softplay or playground and they can play easily.

You could also institute “the Sunday walk and picnic” - go to a local nature reserve or big park or adventure playground with a flask of hot chocolate and some sandwiches. My dh was brilliant at teaching my 2yo to use a balance bike - you could all go together - you have baby in a sling, dc1 rides a bike, dc2 on a balance bike and dh might find he likes that

This was our dynamic when I gave up work. He stopped seeing me as an equal and started seeing me as the help - doing the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare 24/7. He probably doesn’t need to work 8am to 7pm either - that’s an 11hour day. I reckon he’s hiding in his office while the ‘big jobs’ are done. My (now) ex was also anxious about the financial burden of being the sole earner too which didn’t help.

In your shoes I’d go back to work. He’d then have to pick up the slack. He doesn’t get out of parenthood. If you’re better at it then he needs more practice.

I can understand why you feel frustrated.

But what do you do about it?

He isn't very interested in his children. Sounds like the first one had some novelty value and one child is much more manageable in terms of effort with two parents. Three children is relentless - the pre school years are like being a childminder and then the school years are juggling multiple activities, parties like being a taxi driver.

Unfortunately you cannot make him more interested in his children. When the children are your entire world, it will seem unfathomable to you that their father couldn't be fascinated by them but he isn't.

He doesn't respect you enough to believe that he should be doing childcare also to care for you and to make sure you get a break.

So that's the situation. It's not uncommon sadly. As someone else said, some men view their children as their wife's hobby.

Your choices are to prepare to end the marriage which will likely mean needing to re-enter the paid workforce, use childcare and accept a lower standard of living OR accept this is what it is and use some family money to get some childcare/cleaning support for you/take a break while his parents visit.

If you stay but think he will change, then that is where you will get angry, unhappy and frustrated.
He will not - he just doesn't care that much about your children or you.

Only you know whether you can live like that or whether you can live in a smaller house, go back to work etc. but those are the only two choices - there is no magic formula to get him to change

But how much planning and communication and sorting expectations happen before children are born of who is doing what? so is it all sorted before hand and someone goes back on their word?

and yes being the sole breadwinner is a worry children and household needs dont just fall out of the sky and disappear, all the love in the world does not make bills vanish

Not saying this to you personally

The 1950s set-up seems to suit him. He sounds self-centred and like he diesn't truly see you as his equal .

His behaviour is a choice. He won't change unless he wants to. (It so often boils down to "if he wanted to, he would.")

I would seriously be looking to get back to full-time work as soon as you reasonably can.

He presumably earns well so childcare & possibly cleaner should be manageable on two salaries.

Anything else needs to be split 50/50. And this needs to be clearly communicated and upheld.

I’m not very functional on this. I suppose I would look for potential for change. So, for example, would he identify something that the older one and he could do together, which has future potential for the whole gang to do? Typically (stereotypically) a sport - parkrun or football or hockey? So at least there is one patch of time a week where he’s a functioning parent, with an improving relationship with one child and a route to improve with the others. It would make you feel less angry with him.

Some men are just better at older children. I’m not excusing it or analysing it. It just is. It does pay off massively to build a pipeline to that when all three are a bit older.

I’d also look elsewhere for support. More paid support but also a network of friends. I’d be out a lot more, plus do the reciprocal hosting it requires.

Im always amazed that men like this are surprised that their sex lives are shit. I’m kind of assuming that you are less keen on sex than you used to be? They treat the central and most important experience of your life, which you thought was a joint passion, as a dreary and lesser distraction, and wonder why the connection has faded. But as Prini, late of this parish, used to say, it’s much harder to be angry with someone you are having regular decent sex with.

Yes, I think someone does go back on the expectations that were set. When I was pregnant, my child’s father was perfectly capable of planning jobs around other things that needed to happen; of making a meal and cleaning up afterwards; of managing his household. Once the baby arrived he just apparently lost all of those skills and looked to me to pick up the slack. (He also started helping out another woman with her kids, while I looked after his child; he don’t evenings picking up the slack dropped by HER useless husband, but that’s another story!)

A couple of people here saying the “he has his job and OP has her job” but the problem with that is that @amria ‘s “job” has no holiday, no lunch break, no weekend, no sick cover, and no pay, so to say it’s right that she should be doing it 24/7 while her husband does his shift at the office and then puts his feet up in completely unreasonable.

OP, like pp I also found I had loads more free time when I was a single parent than I did when I lived with my ex. Men are net creators of work IME.

Let him bloody sigh. Keep making him to do stuff. Don’t be afraid of his reaction. Just point it out - “What’s all this sighing for?” Remind him he’s a father and a husband and he needs to invest in those roles.
A specific boundary might work - Saturday mornings are spent doing some chores, then some playing with the kids while you get to relax, he gets some time to do some stuff too, plan some family time out.
Give him some clear expectations of how the weekend goes beforehand.

Tell him what to do exactly, supervise the first couple of times?

Honestly if he’s as far gone as literally scrolling his phone when you’ve asked him to go and see to his own crying baby or reading one page of a story then turning the light off, you need to consider if he’s even worth having in your future because that’s just sad that he would choose to have so little involvement with his own kids just because he has a job!

I am a full time working single mother of two so it is perfectly possible to work all day long stressful hours and still do everything for your kids - cooking, cleaning, playing, bed time routine etc. To just say he’s too tired is a cop out because he’s lazy and doesn’t value a bond with his kids

Sooo many posts like these, the man is funding the woman to stay at home by working out of the house for extra long hours and is probably knackered. For some reason both parents, before they had a third, mustn’t have been knackered enough, so did it anyway.

Now the woman is fed up and naturally exhausted, quite rightly
so. The man doesn’t want to give more of his time and clearly isn’t compelled to be a full time or even part time dad at weekends after being an extra full time worker in the week.

Should the man step down and spend more time at home? Would this fund the stay at home mum role and pay the mortgage?

Should the woman put the kids in childcare and have a rest some days?

A serious conversation needs to be had, if DH can’t step up at weekends then you either split up or make a serious weekday life change.

Basically, you both need to get real about the life you chose and he needs to shape up to match your expectations or your life needs to change dramatically.