To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Also just to add as a separate point as a few people have suggested me getting a job. I know this probably won’t be relatable to everyone but I couldn’t wait to stop working. I hated it. I really didn’t enjoy it and I know I wouldn’t enjoy going back.

The idea of going back to work and only seeing my kids in the evenings is honestly my worst nightmare. I know I’d be miserable doing it, like properly miserable every day. There are a lot of things I’d rather do than get a job.

That’s definitely not the outcome I want from this. If anything, the thought of it makes me feel worse, not better.

My husband wouldn’t object at all though and would happily pay for childcare, I could say I want a job and he’d be fine with it straight away. It’s just not something I want for myself at all.

I'd make this a serious conversation with him if you haven't done yet - i.e. ask him to sit down as there's something important you want to discuss, rather than complaining about particular events in passing. Make it clear this is a line in the sand, not a niggle. Don't mention the weekends with ILs - focus on the constructive change you need. Simply state clearly that you can't carry on like this without ever getting a break. Acknowledging that he too needs downtime, could you suggest that you each take one morning at the weekend as your own time? Then make sure you leave the house (early) for your time until he gets the gist. Your children might not have a brilliant morning but it will impact them far less than simmering resentment between parents or the two of you splitting. If he says 'I can't manage 3 on my own!' then tell him that you often can't either and that if something doesn't change he will be managing them on his own far longer.

He's being lazy, selfish and entitled. He may also be genuinely ignorant about the strain of 24/7 childcare for 3 (due to his lazy disengagement), so a few hrs on his own will sharpen his understanding. In the evenings, don't ask him to do things when you can't as this can sound like asking a favour. Instead, simply say 'I'm too tired to respond, I've been running after then all day' & turn the TV on. Yes, your DCs will be less well cared for for a few mins, but weigh this against the bigger picture.

It may be that this all achieves little and you may have to make some difficult decisions about your future, but at least you will know you tried.

Great suggestion. But just to break it down a bit - you know, for a bit of realism

1. He has employment rights by law.
2. He is not expected to work during his lunch break.
3. His employer is already paying people to cover for him during his lunchbreak if necessary so that the poor lamb can have time for himself.
4. He is allowed to have a lunch break at work regardless of whether;

• OP hired a baby sitter and
• commuted into his work
• and completed his tasks for one hour,
• commuted back again and
• paid the babysitter.

😂

Just to explain a bit more on the in-laws side as a few people asked.

I find them quite intrusive if I’m honest. They always seem to have advice to offer and if you don’t do what they suggest, it doesn’t get dropped, it gets repeated over and over again. I just don’t have the energy or patience for that.

For example, with my oldest they were very keen for him to go to nursery earlier than I wanted, and now it’s the same with the younger ones. I’ve chosen not to send any of them before 3, which is what I’m comfortable with, but every single time we see them it comes up. “Oh he’s still not in nursery?” “Still at home?” It’s like it just goes round and round.

Same with food. They’ll comment that they don’t eat enough eggs, that they should be eating more, even though I’ve explained they don’t really like eggs, they eat plenty of other protein and I’m not going to force it. It’s just constant little comments and suggestions.

I think that’s why I struggle. It’s not one big thing, it’s the ongoing drip of opinions and feeling like I’m being second guessed all the time.

I’ve got to the point where I just respond with things like “is that what you think?” or “oh really?” because I honestly don’t have the energy to get into it every time.

He's an adult. He knows you can only get better at something with practice. Be supportive ;) tell him you're hearing he needs to improve his parenting skills, he wants what is best for the kids (right?!). Leave him with the three for.more time, do not wait for.him to take the lead. Get up and go out.

With the in laws, start pointing out that you've had the conversation before and that they're apparently very forgetful. 'Yes, I told you this last time, you seem to have forgotten'. 'Hmm, we had this conversation earlier, is this another thing you've forgotten?' 'You seem to struggle with remembering what we've said about this'.

It's good that DH entertains and looks after his parents; you don't like them so it gives you a break.
Invite inlaws over every fortnight and every second time you disappear and do something for yourself.

You should also be pointing out that DH needs to step up on the weekends.
Plot out a sleep in for each of you, a few hours of family time or outing and a few hours of speeding through chores.
Also allocate a certain child to DH's care for each day.

Spread the family work and joy purposefully.

Ah well. This is the life you’ve chosen so maybe just practice acceptance. He sees the kids as your job 24/7 and is unlikely to change that view unless you go back to work, something you don’t want to do, or send the two eldest to nursery, again something you don’t want to do.

Yes. That’s a massive issue and I had the same. Performative parenting and domestic labour. Completely different behaviour behind closed doors - including disproportionate and extended rage episodes if I dared challenge him. Needless to say I’m divorcing him but so wish I’d done it sooner.

But, there was a period where he did get that I was carrying the whole mental load after we both read ‘fair play’ by Eve Rodesky after a recommendation here. She was an exhausted mum who listed all the invisible work and mental load she did. She then devised a system of dividing it up. its a quick and easy read.

It changed things temporarily for me in terms of the domestic load but then he was incapacitated for a while and I did everything including looking after him for a while and it never evened up and the rage continued (despite couples therapy) and became directed at DC (despite intervention) too so no option but to divorce.

But the key things to remember are;

• you work too - more than full time. It’s just not paid work but without you covering house keeping, childcare, cooking etc - he’d have to do it - and would if you split up.
• You should have equal time for self care
• you should have equal time that is for hobbies etc.

Read Fair Play (or listen) then see if he will. Good luck.

I think it's more tricky given what you say about work.

You've opted out of one aspect of adult life and he's opted out of another!

Regarding your inlaws, sounds like they're possibly just clumsily making conversation rather than actually having a go. Hard to say without hearing the tone.

I think this is the deal you've made, then. A sort of tradwife dynamic where you are expected to "look after" your husband.

And honestly, from his perspective, I don't think it's unreasonable. He's working and paying for you to give up work, long term. It is a traditional dynamic and falling into those gendered roles are unsurprising, and perhaps even fair to an extent.

Personally I think you are risking an enormous amount, making this choice. But if you want to make it, you probably need to suck up the domestic sphere.

OP. Your situation makes me about your financial situation. Is he "in charge" of finances? Are there joint savings? Or is it all in his name and you need to ask for access to funds all the time? If so, do some thinking and get some advice about financial planning.

Also I hope you are claiming child benefit for the NI contributions (designed to help mothers who take time out for childcare to help fill the gap in your pension) and have not be sold the idea that claiming child benefit will mean that he has to pay more in tax and therefore it is better for the family if you don't claim it. It may be better for him but years down the line it will NOT be better for YOU. (If this info has changed and on this is out of date, apologies in advance, but its good to check these things in any case. )

It is really hard bringing up three at once, especially if you have little access to parental help. And you are lucky to be able to spend time with them right now and yes, you do have your hands full.

But look to the future and make plans because being out of the world of work for too long will make things harder, when they've become more independent.
My strongest advice is that you think about planning to try for some /any part time work to keep your toes in the water...in a year or so. This will help you with references when you want to apply for a fuller, perhaps more of a career job later on. If you didn't like your previous career, can you re train? perhaps do the odd day volunteering in something related to the career you want to do?

Childcare cannot simultaneously be so hard and exhausting that he can't manage it except in 5 minutes bursts, yet so easy that you can do it 24/7 without a break. 🤷

I would have a word with my DH that indeed he needs downtime and a rest on weekends, but SO DO YOU. Therefore, given how things are at the moment with his refusal to step up, you suggest you do one day each childcare. Ask him if he wants Saturday or Sunday? If he refuses this plan, just choose a day anyway. On that day GO OUT for the whole day. Doesn’t matter where. This won’t work if you are there in the background. Come back after bedtime. I’d do this for a month or two as by then he should be used to childcare and you can try and do shared activities again.

I'm basically a sahm with two (teach a few hours a week).
Evenings and weekends, DH and I are 50/50 on parenting which is how it should be. If someone is particularly tired/exhausted we will give the other some time for themselves, but it's not taken advantage of. Your DH is a lazy sod

"Suck up the domestic sphere"?????

No she doesn't!

That's like saying he's purchased her labour for childcare/domestic work so from now on he has no further responsibility to do anything. And she needs to be grateful for that.

It's also saying its OK to place a much higher value on his contribution and to dismiss the value of her contribution in bringing up his family, treating her contribution as free labour. It isn't. She's given up the salary and benefits she was previously earning.

It's already established he knows how wrong this is by his performative parenting and domesticity when his parents arrive.

They've divided the work load into childcare v wage earning job... like many couples.
but they are still both parents.. and they both live in the same house.
He's working daytimes five days a week.
She's working that and evenings and weekends as well.

What she is asking for is a more equal partnership.
She's asking for her DH to make more effort to interact with his own children as a father should. Which many fathers are more than happy to do.

But he won't do that.

If he's going to act like her employer and wash his hands of domestic chores and parenting, maybe the OP should demand parity with working hours and breaks mandated by law

Then you need to make sure the way your finances and assets are organised now means you will be financially protected if you do divorce in the future.

You cannot control if he leaves you.
You can try to exert influence now to make sure you are protected if he ever does.

He needs to be paying into a pension for you. Any assets in both your names (as a minimum, some assets in your name only is preferable) and you have full access to all the paper work for these.

He's show parenting.

And happy to dump everything on you when there isn't an audience.

He's literally telling you that you don't count to him. Your exhaustion doesn't count. Your tedious parenting alone all week doesn't count. Your own need for downtime and sharing of responsibilities at home in the evenings and at weekends doesn't count. Nope. You are there to do the menial labour, the grudge work, the child rearing 24/7 .... unless there's someone else 'who counts' (his parents) around to see it. For those who count, he is clearly going out of his way with performative parents to hide what an absolute shit of a partner he is to you and dad to his own DCs at home.

What would happen if you got up early on a Saturday morning and informed him you were going out for the day?

That narrows your options.

You won't want to divorce, as that would mean going back to work.
(Unlikely he will pay enough maintenance to support and house you and three DC until they are 18, and the benefits system will expect you to work once the youngest is no longer a baby.)

You can't force him to change, because it is impossible to make people change, and if you try that will just make the whole marriage bitter and toxic.
He is not interested in parenting his children. Sad, but you have to accept it.
He may get better once they are older and he can do more activities with them.

So you need to accept that this is it. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you chose: to be a SAHP to three children.
As others have said, look for small wins, like getting a cleaner, going away by yourself when his parents come to stay, or planning out the weekends in advance and asking him to spend specific hours doing a planned activity with the oldest one.
Basically, just accept that the DC are your job, 24/7, because that is the way it is. Then look forward to the time when they are all in school and you have 5 hours or so each daytime to yourself.

And as PP said, get signed up for child benefit even if H earns too much for you to get the money, you can still claim and it means you build up NI contributions for a state pension

What a ridiculous comment! Are you a man?
OP is doing her share of working by looking after THREE children while DH is at work. The only fair way is to share childcare and house work when neither is working.

I think this bothers you because it shows he cares what they think of him - but not what you think of him.

Parenting should be 50/50 when both parents are in the home.

100% this.

He won't change.

What is the value of being in the relationship with him?

there doesn’t seem to be any.

he ignores his children, and does nothing round the house.

so not only does he add zero value to their lives, they get to see this. They get to watch him every single weekend prioritising his phone over them.

of course your help comes from another woman.

if you want to do what’s best for your children, you should divorce him.