To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

My XH was exactly the same. When we had visitors he'd rush around cooking, do the washing up, everything for the kids - as long as people were watching. When it was just us he'd sit down and ignore them. His version of putting them to bed was to point at the stairs and say 'go to bed'. To two year olds. He didn't ever want to put himself out but the work he would do when we had visitors told me that he KNEW what he was 'meant' to be doing - he just didn't do it. The resentment did for our relationship.

He's an ex. I was a single mum to five kids all under seven, but it was better than resenting a man who considered that anything to do with them or the house was my problem.

He works full time and is probably exhausted, but when you have children, you don’t get to take total downtime in the evenings and weekends. Family life doesn’t work like that.

He needs to step up and take up his responsibilities when he’s home op. It’s not fair on you to take on all the parenting 24/7. I would suggest he takes on specific things that are his remit e.g taking the kids out to the park at the weekends, breakfast with the kids at least 1 weekend morning, bath time/story during the week when he gets home.

These are just examples, I’m not suggesting this is all he should be doing. If he won’t take things on naturally then I would delegate.

I recommend Zawn Villines substack for unpicking why men do this. It’s called Liberating Motherhood. Sadly, I don’t think you can persuade him nicely. Someone further up suggested that you’ll need to say loudly and uncomfortably every time it’s happening. He is stealing your life and time.

THIS

I would ask him if he wants the dc to grow up thinking he is a shit dad? I understand during the week he is tired but I am sure you are too. Can you suggest taking it in turns for a lay in but then be up and properly parenting at weekends. I married a man like this and I ended up doing more and more including working part time. My dc told me the other day they remember him sitting watching football a lot and not much else. I did leave for multiple reasons. I would try talking to him but you need to stand up to him. He needs to help properly. You weren’t to know that he was going to be a lazy parent.

Oh, and I notice you say you ‘chose not to work.’ But you are working, everyday, 7 days a week, long hours. You are both working on different parts of raising a family and maintaining a home - and it should be done equitably when you are both home, imo.

@Diosmonet "Young women need to be encouraged to read these boards while they are still full of romantic notions about getting married and having babies."

This x100.

I tell every young woman I meet (that will listen) "do not even think about having a child unless you are physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially able and willing, to raise that child alone".

Not sure how you can change him but I would definitely get a job. I am in my late 40s and so many of my friends who stayed at home have been divorced by their husbands and are really stuck. He doesn't value your contribution and I wouldn't bet on him sticking around when he gets to middle age. However, by that point you wouldn't have worked for ages and won't have a pension. Don't rely on him.

He is showing up in front of his parents because he needs to maintain an image that he is a good person.
I’d be interested to know why you don’t get on with your ILs?
are they the kind of people who judge you or overstep boundaries in your home? Do they display a dislike because you are with their son? Are they overly critical of you for no reason? Do they take advantage of you or are they cold towards you?

your DH is prioritising his own needs. On a normal weekend it’s pure selfishness on his part. The early years with kids is really really hard. You have to completely sacrifice parts of your life for a long time. He is not doing this. He has a selfish arrogance that he gets to chose because he earns the money. You are both building a family and a life, financially or nurturing - it’s about building the home.

its also selfishness when he shows up as a normal dad when his parents visit.

he is unable to think about 5 people (you and kids as well as himself). He can only think as 1 - himself. There are lots of reasons why people’s brains are selfish like this. From the simple lazy/selfishness and lack of awareness of their role to more complex executive functioning issues. I would concentrate on working out the why in order to know how to approach this with him and how likely it is he will take the initiative to change, and how much he wants to change. You can’t change him - he has to want to change.

what was his home life like as a child? Is he copying what he saw his father do?

you’d also need to resolve some of the in-law issues, which is why I asked questions to gauge if there’s any scope here.

This!!

Surely women have enough brains to do their due diligence before conceiving if they are old enough to have babies they should be old enough to plan it all properly and not let men do all their thinking for them?

Hahahah!!! Someone from the 40s has joined the chat 😂😂

It’s weaponised incompetence. If he makes a poor job of it then you’ll do it. When parents are there ha ha as to make the effort for appearance sake

That’s not selective energy - he is deliberately misrepresenting his engagement with his kids to his parents. I’d be telling him to shape up or ship out. Maybe get a nanny cam to film him with the kids so that you can send it to his parents when you apply for divorce so that they can see what a lying lazy b’stard he is.

My DH works long hours too - 10-16hrs a day, on call weekends, and is also a great earner, which I appreciate no end. I was a SAHP as those hours didn’t reconcile with managing two SEN kids with no local family to step in, so my working wasn’t going to happen. He nonetheless has always stepped up with the kids, does the weekend cooking (as he enjoys it, and eating it especially), he coached cricket for my DS for 6 years which got a bit stressful when things at work stepped up and he does most of the gardening (though the novelty wears off by September and is accompanied by muttering and moaning LOL). He has a whinge about putting the bins out, occasionally, can lose his shit if the kids doesn't clear up after themselves etc, and often collapses into the sofa after a long day in utter exhaustion but he has never ever used his earning position as a power play.

Your DH is an arsehole - both you and your kids deserve better. He’d have no choice but to step up if you divorce and he has to have them FT EOWE.

My husband can be very precious about his 'rest' and I find it absolutely infuriating. WE'D ALL LIKE A FUCKING REST, DAVE.

We're having division of labour wars at home at the moment. My husband says I just need to ask him/tell him what to do, the red mist descends, I tell him I don't want to be responsible for every single aspect of our life, he needs to grow up and start seeing and doing as an autonomous adult human. He claims that this is not possible, it just wouldn't enter his head that eg the garden bench needs treating, the gutters need cleaning, a cupboard needs sorting. He doesn't 'see' those things. It's biological you see, women's eyes evolved to pick berries...

It's a wonder the cunt isn't under the patio. Only reason he isn't is because I'd have to lay the fucking thing myself.

ANYWAY. Enough about me. I don't know how you get your husband to stop being such a lazy entitled prick, without the children suffering. Want me to come over and dig a patio with you?

I’m partially on the fence with this. Whilst I absolutely do not agree with his ‘act’ in front of your ILs, I do - to an extent - believe that if he’s the sole earner then his house-related responsibilities should be limited…. BUT not his bloody parenting! Nope. That’s an equal thing regardless of work/home responsibilities. Children deserve both parents’ attention equally (or damn close to equally) if both parents are present in their lives, unless of course, one parent works away or is deployed etc.
In my personal opinion, he sounds a bit chauvinistic.

Re: his super-Dad act with ILs, I’d be loudly pointing out in front of them, what a miracle it is that he’s managing to do XYZ when he usually is far to knackered to do ABC, whenever his parents aren’t around….! Do it Every. Single. Time.

I don't think you can change people. What's his incentive to change? He's got everything sussed out, thanks.

I think you either need to accept that this is the way it is, or you leave him.

@BloozieFeel free to take my advice with a pinch of salt as I’ve been single over 10 years(!) but have you considered a ‘chore chart’ type thing?! Normally it’s a thing for teenagers but if the shoe fits…!

Absolutely this OP. You are focussing in the here and now of him not helping out, as are many posters. But you need to look at what this means for how he will behave in the future. If your marriage is not strong, if he is not enjoying family life - do not bet on him staying with you and supporting you for life. He is currently presenting more like a man who will leave you in mid life and shaft you in the divorce as much as he is able.

Protect your future self. Get a job or get as many assets as possible transferred to your name so he cannot hide them in a divorce. And make sure he is paying into a pension for you. If he refuses to do all this, it tells you everything about what he is already thinking about his future plans. And they aren't with you.

It doesn’t sound fair to me. Sit down and have a discussion, say if things don’t change you’ll be wanting marriage therapy as to keep talking about the problem and it doesn’t get resolved. Say you love him very much but if things continue you’ll become bitter and resentful of your lack of rest. It’s about £80 an hour for couples therapy. I mentioned this to my husband for an unrelated issue and he knew I was serious so he put more effort in probably because he didn’t want to waste £80 🤣

That's what my mum said I should do, too. Even that I resent. I'm still having to be The Grown Up. However, at least I'd be The Only Adult In The House with a painted bench.

Also mentioned if it came to divorce you would be better off, half his assets and pension, kid free for half the week, not just weekends but you’d have them Sunday-wed and he’d have them Thurs-sat or something (to show him he won’t just get fun dad time at the weekends while you do the hard slog all week!) make sure you tell him you never want a divorce but you’re not sure you could go another 10 years like this without getting burnt out /depressed/resentful and at some point you might break. By the way I don’t think divorce would be happier but you’ve got to give him the incentive why he’s better to help you now and prevent divorce. Tell him that married men live longer than single ones but single women live longer than married ones. Show him he’s in the good position right now and he needs to appreciate yo more

Woah this has really blown up, I’m still getting through all the replies but just wanted to add a couple of things as a lot of people are saying similar.

Quite a few comments are saying he’s just putting on an act in front of his parents, but from what I know of him I really don’t think that’s it. He doesn’t hide it from them at all. He’s openly said in front of them that other weekends he’d just be lying down or watching football and that he “can’t do all this all the time”. So they definitely know what he’s like.

It feels more like he chooses to step up when they’re there, rather than it being a fake version of him. Which is why I find it frustrating, because it shows he can do it.

Also a few people have mentioned childcare. We do have my mum nearby and she will come over whenever I ask, and she is really helpful. She’ll bring food or take one of the kids for a bit which I do appreciate. But she’s obviously older, she’s a granny not a parent, and I don’t expect anywhere near what I would from a partner. Understandably after helping for a while she’ll sit down for a cup of tea, get tired, or say she’s heading home, and I fully accept that.

My husband’s view is that I do have childcare because my mum can come over when I ask and she does. But to me that’s not the same as having your partner actually share the load, especially at weekends when we’re both there.

You can't make him step up. You can get a job and assure your own future.

Did he want three kids - that's seems like a lot of kids if he was barely interested in the one.

Whatever happens - don't rely on him financially. Gone are the days when courts give you alimony. They will expect you to work to support yours kids if anything goes wrong.

If you don't trust him as a partner when it comes to your kids, don't trust him financially either. He already doesn't have your interests at heart.

The court would decide the division of assets based on the assets that are declared/ uncovered.

He is not obliged to do 50/50 - no-one can make a parent spend time with their children.