To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuffhes in charge of finances in the sense he’ll invest money, put it in savings etc but the savings are in our joint name, there’s a “spare” flat in our joint name from which the rental income goes directly into a bank account in my name (the money for “my” expenses like clothes, make up, lunch out etc). There’s also a pot of money which I spend on the kids / household and if I run out I’ll have to ask him for more.

You could try running the house/family like a single parent. Not asking him for anything at all, doing everything a single parent would. Try it for a month and see how he reacts. Does he miss you? Miss spending time with the DC? Does he fill the gaps with more relaxing time for him or step up into the gap you've created?

That might help you know what attitude he really has.

You will continue to be frustrated when your focus is on changing another person.
Instead of focusing on how to change him, you would be wise to focus on what you can change. Yourself, your actions, your perspective, your thoughts, your plans, because realistically this is all you have the power to change.

@MrsSlocombesCat
id say his hours are standard office job hours. 40-50 min commute, so he gets in at 8:45 and leaves 6:15. 9-6ish is pretty common, definitely in fields like finance or law.

I know it’s been asked numerous times but was he enthusiastic to have 3 kids or was it more you?

I work FT and my husband works a lot of weekends. As a consequence I’m often ‘on’ 7 days straight. One of the reasons I only had one child.

He sounds tired and disengaged but he shouldn’t be doing such a poor job of parenting at the weekends and evenings. It is exhausting working FT and then having to do domestic drudgery but again that’s what you sign up to.

I would set some clearer expectations of him. Perhaps he could help with the more practical tasks, bath and bedtime with the agreement that he will read a chapter of a book and not one page. Point out to him that it’s 10 mins out of his day to read properly to his kids. It’s not asking much. He can cook a couple of evenings and take the bins out, run the hoover round after work etc. None of this is beyond him, he just needs to get past his own apathy.

At weekends you could agree that you each get a morning to yourselves to do exactly as you please and then you regroup in the afternoon and do something as a family and make it non negotiable.

I don’t agree that you going back to work will solve all your problems as he will still expect you to do the lions share.

Reminds me of this song:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pfltmHtqdzM
(You are such a good dad)

That is good to hear.
But don't forget pensions - you need the child benefit to get NI credits for your state pension, and he should pay into a private pension for you.
This is a conversation you need to have with him.

@Parat
ive done a version of this. Recently I’ve started saying we’ll all head to the local park. If I ask “are you joining?” It’s 50/50 whether that’s a yes (and then he does nothing helpful on the walk, think how an elderly relative would behave if you met them on the walk with 3 kids, likely play or chat with the eldest for a short while but likely nothing requiring effort or getting dirty) or he’ll say he will rest and see us at lunch when I bring them in for a nap / quiet time.

I'd normally say that he should share the load outside of his working hours as your job is 24/7 but his isn't.

I also think it's important for a dad to be hands on.

But it sounds like he has to work hard and long hours to keep a family of 5 and it's taking it out of him. You're not prepared to contribute to the household income so it's all on his shoulders.

I would rather not have to work, wouldn't we all, and personally could never put myself in a position where I was financially dependent on a man but luckily for you he's enabling that.

Was he fully on board with having 3 kids so close together ? There may be some resentment in his part.

@CheeseLand2 sorry if I’ve missed the question.

yes he was very keen for all 3 kids. No3 came earlier than planned but we did say we’d like 3.

he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way

That's a pretty long day, especially WOH 5 days a week. You didn't like going to work, so I don't think you can deny the fact that it's tiring. You sound pretty dismissive of him and of his parents tbh.

Honestly I usually read these threads and think the woman is putting up with so much but you chose not to work (paid work/out of the house, before anyone tells me FT parenting is work - I know), he works long hours to fund this and provide, and I don't think you're getting that bad a deal. You also both chose to have three children. You should of course get some down time too though, so is the answer getting childcare on one week day so you have a day to yourself? Then he gets a Saturday to himself, then Sunday is a family day?

Start saying "just pretend your parents are here. You have no problems knowing what to do then"

He's an arsehole.

I'd get up early one Saturday morning, have your packed bag hidden somewhere in advance, and go away for the weekend. Tell him he needs to step up and be an actual partner and parent when he's at home, or your marriage isn't going to survive. And it's beyond his turn to parent his children by himself for a couple of days, as you do it even when he's fucking there.

It does come across as if you want it all your way - you want to be at home full time, you don’t want your child to go to nursery until you say so and you want your DH to spend his weekends doing what you think he should be doing. Maybe you need to do a bit of compromising from your side to get a bit from his?

If that was true, why do we keep having threads like this on MN ?🤔

you are so passive about this op.

he is an absent father. And it’s worse for your kids because they have to live with his lack of interest. They have to see it.

it’s fine to accept being by treated like a slave as an adult if you like. Your choice.

but where it grinds my gears, is kids are watching and learning. They are growing up in a household where a father is present but doesn’t parent.

for some utterly unfathomable reason you aren’t considering divorce to this selfish misogynist. So, you have 2 choices left. Suck up doing everything and teach your children that unpaid work is women’s work. Or get tough. Eg 1. You don’t get a lie in once a week. So engineer that however you need to. If he’s incapable if you’re in the house. You need to get out of the house. A hotel. A friend’s. Whatever.

@amira "he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way"

You need to put your foot down here OP.

Put a bolt on the bedroom door for a start and use it.
Tell him you don't want disturbing and he can sort the kids out for a couple of hours. If he complains about poonamis point out that he wanted 3 kids and if you can manage them so can he.
It might take a while but he will get the message.

I assume he steps up when his parents visit because he’s aware you don’t like them

A lot of men imply to their non working wives that staying til past 6 is the norm.

It isn't. They tell you it is because it means they arrive home at 7 once the children are most of the way to bed, and they don't have to get stuck into the hard part of the day which is always the window between 4 and 7, when they are hungry and tired and you need to get dinner made and into them.

Ive worked in finance and the decent blokes who are bothered about their families who got in at 8.45, can leave at 5.15 if they want. They sometimes just do 30 min in the evening at home at 8 once their kids are in bed.

That sounds like a workable arrangement @amria

What exactly does he think you do in the week when there's a poonami and you are on your own with them? He sounds an utter waste of space

Time for some boundaries. A lie in for him and some down time on one day and the same for you on another. 'your turn!' when it's his turn. Regular kid free time for you outside the house so he gets time with the kids. Presumably he wanted these kids so he needs to step up on the weekend, I'd be leaving him to it as a much as possible as he won't get what it's like for you if you don't. Take time for yourself when the in-laws visit too.

I’m sorry, OP, but you have to accept that you have married a fundamentally unkind and selfish man. That’s just the way it is. What else do you think ‘selective energy’ means? It means he does things on his terms only and never to benefit you. The only things he does do to benefit you ALSO benefit him. There is no sacrifice, kindness or selflessness in that. There is only selfishness.

Of course he’d never accept that, because he won’t be able to stand sitting with the fact that he is a bad parent and a bad husband – and it looks like you can’t either.

You have three choices: 1) accept it and live this way. Resentment will likely build, maybe to intolerable levels. 2) Force him into a role where he must act selflessly – yes, this will be at a detriment to the children, but they will survive. He’ll either build on that if he wants to or resentment will build also. 3) Leave the marriage, in which case you’ll have to get a job. I doubt your husband would want much custody – why would he?

You’re looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. And yes, that sucks.

My DH is in a CFO role. In any hour he’s not working he is at the forefront with our kids and housework load – getting up at night, meals, bedtimes, laundry, doctors and dentist appointments, school runs, park trips, you name it.

Take your lie in by going out for some time for you.

Oh and if he wakes you up at a certain time on Saturday that's when he's getting up on Sunday