To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

How do you think he will be with his children as they get older - will he be helping with school work and coaching the footy team etc? Do you want your sons to grow up to be like him, and your daughters to marry someone like him?

How is he with doing stuff for himself in comparison to parenting tasks? I mean, this scene where he's lying on the sofa watching football while you run around after the kids. Will he get up and make himself a sandwich when he's hungry, or does he does he expect you to? Is it that you make lunch for the kids and his is included by default? What about his washing: is that also something you do? Does he do anything at all that's not enjoyable for him?

So frustrating to read. I’m angry on your behalf ! I’m also a SAHM since having my third baby 20 months ago. Husband is a surgeon working long long hours and sometimes we don’t see him for days!
genuinely he isn’t able to participate in housework during the week so we have a cleaner. I would not be able to do it all myself. We have no family support at all.
On the evenings he comes home before bedtime he does the older two children’s bedtimes. He gets into bed beside them cuddles them and reads to them, the chronicles of narnia, Harry Potter, etc they love that bonding time and sometimes he falls asleep in there himself. (The boys have large double beds) i hear them all giggling and chatting about their day and eventually snoring.
I always do baby’s bedtime and sleep with them as they are breastfed, but husband takes the bigger ones if he is home. If my husband has the weekend off we take it in turns to get up with the children and let the other parent “lie-in” until 9am or whatever.
i found it so sad to read about your husband just not engaging with his children and what he’s missing out on. Having a full-on high stress job does take you out of the house a lot but it makes the time you do have with your children all the more important.
I guess you have a choice. Can you continue the rest of your life like this if he won’t change and step up. If you’re staying you need to make changes to make things manageable for you so you get some breaks. ie get a cleaner. Hire a mother’s help. Go away yourself when his parents visit. you need breaks and rest too. You cannot be working 24/7 it’s not sustainable.

Does your DH understand that the reason you are not in paid employment is because you'd hate to do so, rather than solely because you are caring for the children?

What is he expecting to happen when the children are older?
Will he be expecting you to find paid employment at some point?

I wouldn’t expect to pay for a nanny either if my partner didn’t work.
notbing is going to change here until you have a come to Jesus talk where you explain that you love him less every day watching him refuse to parent and you actively dislike him on weekends his parents are here watching him suddenly able to be the coparent that he refuses to be for you. Tell him that all up it’s increasingly clear he doesn’t love you very much and acts like a man who shouldn’t have kids, and something has to change. You are going to go out for several hours one evening a week leaving him to do dinner bath and bed becuase they are his kids, and if you don’t get your lie in because he cant be arsed parenting then you will have to take yourself away for a night.
but there is a limit to what you can demand when you don’t work at all and don’t want to.

Really not sure what you want from this thread op.

to me he sounds utterly vile. Selfish, lazy, nasty, misogynistic, happy for you to do all the work whilst he steps back and relaxes showing that he has therefore no love nor respect for you, a terrible father and role model to his children as he puts his own needs first at every point.

What do you want us to say?!?

you just keep coming back with yet another anecdote of how awful he is, and ignoring all the posts detailing your options of what you can do about it.

Wow. This is mad. How is not able to look after his own children for a few hours? I'd lose all respect for my husband. What a manchild

These are good points.

Have they been discussed OP ?

@pollybellWhat thinking are men doing for them?

I think the poster you quoted is suggesting exactly that due diligence- don’t expect a man to step up in any regard and plan to do it alone.