To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Oh quite.

And I hope you remember to put on a fresh, starched apron and tie a pretty ribbon in your hair for when he comes through the door Op.

You are living in the 1950s. There will never be any balance, he will always hold the power as he brings in the salary.
You’ll have to hope & prey he doesn't have an affair, ( like every other man it seems) as you say you hate working ! When all 3 are finally at school all day will he not expect you to ?

Then she would have to go back to work, which she doesn't want.

If you don't want to work and he doesn't want to look after the kids - what can you do? Nothing. Sorry ...it isn't fair but you clearly married someone who isn't bothered about looking after the kids. You can't leave him because you won't have any money to raise the kids. Be careful though.....because he certainly can leave, occasionally see the kids and take his cash. You are a very vulnerable position.

I absolutely could not get passed this @amria He's performance parenting to look good in front of his mum and dad - but doesn't give a shit that he's a crap dad in front of you. He thinks so little of you, that he's happy to LITERALLY sit back and scroll his phone and let you do it all, as he knows that you will. And don't give me the 'poor hard working senior important man' bollocks. I'm a senior leader that works full time in a very stressful role - I'd never opt out of my responsibilities as a parent, forcing my husband to pick it up, no matter how tired I am. We are a team. Why does your husband think the grunt work falls to you?

Odd interpretation.

Neither did I or @Silverbellsandtacoshellsmention men doing the thinking for women. It is clear we were expressing the opposite, in that young women must educate themselves about the potential hardships and struggles that often come after marriage and babies.

To all those saying you will have to get a job if you divorce, that isn’t necessarily true.

my exdh and I decided when we were together that in our view the best for our children was one sahp (plus part time if in school) and one wohp.

that didn’t change from being the best for our children when we divorced, so the finances on our divorce reflected that.

i say necessarily, as it will depend on whether his salary will still cover it.

This is actually quite creative - and shows your ex genuinely wanting to put the children first.

Not only does he not care what you think, but he doesn't have any desire to nurture your children or spend time with them for the joy of it. That's really sad for them.

This. I'd be saying 'gosh where has this energy come from you are usually sat scrolling your phone and ignoring the children while I do everything!!' in front of his mother, loudly

You have rather created this situation for yourself. You had 3 children despite not having a very engaged husband. You don't want to work so you have to be financially dependent on him. You don't want to put them in nursery.

If you are not planning to go back to work then once the children are in school you will have a lot of time to yourself. You could see these years as the tough years before an easier time.

If you are planning to go back to work, then I would hire a cleaner and some childcare and start planning your future career and start working towards a job that suits you more than your old one.

She IS working!!! More than full time. She just isn’t paid for it. He gets to work such long hours without childcare costs BECAUSE she is doing that work.

YABU.

This.

That's great. But certainly far from typical.

And I have known a fair few men who wait till the kids have finished their education adn then leave, and are very clear this was their long term plan.

I wouldn't normally say you were being unreasonable but his work hours are eye watering. I think therein lies the problem, he probably is exhausted. But then again, he should have said no to the third child. It's easy to be performative while his parents are around as it's not all the time, and presumably they help a bit too. Is there any way he can reduce his work hours?

Why would he reduce his working hours if he will just be expected to look after his kids. He doesn't seem bothered enough.

@amria I think you are far too kind about your Hs attitude - I’m sure his parents are well aware of his lack of sharing the load but it’s big difference being aware and actually seeing it with your own eyes - does he come from a background where the mum did it all and the bloke just worked? If so it’s probably an ingrained attitude as to ‘what’s ok and tolerated’ - thing is the OP I know very few relationships where the woman doesn’t work and isn’t ‘expected’ to take up the vast amount of the domestic load including the kids - I’m not saying that’s right but seems to be fairly commonplace, in fact I know plenty where both work full time and it mainly falls to the women too or they would live on shit with messy scruffy houses

If you won’t consider returning to work, (even once your youngest is older and/ or if it means training to do a different job) then I think you need to realise that this is probably your future and find ways to put up with it. Because unless you’ve got your own money and can have the ultimate trump card of threatening divorce and meaning it, he’s very unlikely to change.

Personally I would have been scared witless of being financially dependent on anyone- what if they are ill? Or leave and have an affair?. Or as you are experiencing they weaponise their earning power to behave like a lazy arse 90% of the time. But I never hated my job and want to have financial freedom and independence.

But it’s up to you how the trade off works in your case between hating your old job/ putting up with your husband’s manchild bollocks.

In your OP you say "I don't work (my choice)" but this is wrong. I'm presuming the 6 year old is at school and the other two are not in nursery but at home with you. If so, you ARE working, incredibly hard, so don't ever say you don't work. You are in unpaid work.

Perhaps your husband sees the situation as he works and you don't. Until he really understands this isn't the case then he wont change. As PP said I would pay for extra help, cleaner, babysitter whatever makes it easier.

For what it's worth this is how my husband was 30 odd years ago. He just thought that his role was to go out to work, do car stuff, DIY, fix things around the house and everything else would be done by me. He modelled himself on his Dad I think but gradually changed and helped a lot more so I believe there is hope he will change.

I also think neither of you are seeing things from the other's point of view. He is working very long hours and he also has the entire burden for the financial survival of five people. That is quite a load. It probably is important to him to feel rested enough to do his job well given as all your financial survival depends on it.

You have the work of a house and of looking after very young children which is very demanding. You do also have your mother as a source of support and not all SAHM do.

At the end of the day, you cannot change him unless he wants to change, You both seem to feel unheard and so are both unlikely to shift your positions.

As the SAHM you are the one in the vulnerable position though. That is the trade off of being a SAHM. You do need to be aware that if he feels his home life is not working for him, his options for change are less constrained than yours.

You sound defeated in this situation and although frustrated you are accepting of his behaviour in a way to avoid a big bust up and possible divorce. I gather a divorce is not what you want, but you really do need to grow a back bone and tell him that he really needs to step up as a partner and father and if he doesn't then there will be consequences. Don't say anything else to him, just keep repeating this sentence until eventually he either does step up or you totally have a breakdown and divorce anyway.

That’s the thing isn’t it - it does put the working person earning a salary in a position that they hold all the cards

He didn't want 3 kids. I hope you're birth control is airtight. Can you get a babysitter ?. He just doesn't wanna do it

Unfortunately OP, you've had kids with a man who wanted kids but didn't want to be a father. He wanted to pass on his name and his genes. He wanted to give his parents grandkids. He wanted to occasionally do some of the fun stuff. What he didn't want was to actually do the hard work of parenting.

You're luckier than some though in that he can financially provide for you all and you don't have to work. It's worse when you work FT and still do all the parenting (speaking from experience so you're not alone).

You need to decide if his dipping in and out of parenthood is worth what you get out of the deal. If, like far too many men, he's just another kid for you to parent and clean up after, you might be better doing it alone with one less child (him). He won't change though. Don't kid yourself that because he can step up when his parents are there that he'll ever do that consistently for you. He won't. Men are shit.