To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Presumably he agreed to have 3 children?

If he earns well, then he can pay for some kind of help for you at home?

No, it's logical and fair.

Did he want 3 children or was he just going along with your wishes? He might get better when the children become older but he doesn’t seem to enjoy parenting. Have you asked him why he’s so much better when his parents are there, and if he can step up more the rest of the time? It sounds rubbish to be honest. I think you need to buy in more help as he’s not going to be much use.

You say you chose not to work- was DH on board with this or did he take some persuading? Seems like a classic SAHM =does everything for the children assumption. My advice would be to get a job in all honesty - even part time - so he has to do more. With the in law visits, could you meet a friend for a few hours one of the days so he really gets a taste of what your every day is like? ….. I wonder whether he imagines you sitting on the sofa gazing at your children playing harmoniously together most of the day…..

Ah, performative parent...the perogative of so many shit fathers. Ex was like this, but his excuse was and remains he is "too busy". (He's not, he's just fundamentally selfish and lazy, which sounds like your partner.) Yet his friends visit and he's all, 'I'll hold the baby while you eat'. Drives me absolutely batshit, as it's all fake and it makes people think he's a nice guy when he's really not.

He doesn't need a break after a working week. There is no "time off" when you're a parent. A real parent doesn't get to dip into parenting for the fun bits and fuck off when anything gets loud/messy/upsetting/hard.

@lxn889121 is correct. He won't change and you can't make him. You just need to decide what you can put up with and make choices that stem from that.

Three children is a lot of work with two engaged parents. He doesn't get to decide he has the weekends off when he has three children. Probably though the time to have these conversations was before the children came along.

So - besides being able to earn lots of money so you don’t have to work - and helping create the children, and performative parenting for his parents - what else is he good for and why are you still with him? If you left him, you could free up more time, find someone who actually values you and be happy - would you not prefer that?

Realistically, you need to get a job or this will end in divorce.
I always said to my H that going to work is not a free pass to being a sofa sloth. Going out to work isn’t relentless, lonely & invisible, like being a SAHM.
Tell him you are going back to work, as that way you’ll have lunch break, work colleagues, & a quiet drive to work with your play list, & he will then have to participate in the evening & w/e,

He isn't “helping” because he is lazy, doesn’t enjoy it & you are there to step in.
When you confront him, he will say You are the one who wanted 3 kids, You always nag, You tell him things are done wrong…
Honestly how can you live with & respect him, when he is a disinterested non parent & partner ( like in “partnership” !)
Tell him he needs to have all 3 for a day, plus make the meals/shop/laundry/housework/bottles/ bath & bed time, & tell you its not a full on 24 hour job. & when you see him playing on his phone, sighing & puffing like a train, & then, putting on the show & acting like a caring competent father in front of his parents, its pitiful. it just takes him down yet another notch in your esteem.

Selective piss taking would be more accurate! I'd ask him why he manages to be present with the kids when his parents are around, but he doesn't bother himself with his family the rest of the time.

Let him know you've noticed the difference and he's not being as subtle as he probably thinks he is. I'm sure his reply will be along the lines of not wanting his parents to think badly of him. The implication there is he doesn't care what you or your kids think of him. If that doesn't hit home and make him buck up, I'm not sure what will.

I think this is practical advice.

I found your post really compelling though as DH is the opposite: hands on but then becomes an unhelpful version when his parents are there!

I think it's two sides of the same coin.

Deep down these men know fine well a) what a good dad and partner does but b) actually want someone else to do the work. In DH's case he clearly thinks at some level that it's "mum stuff" (as in, his mum) and actually, so does she.

Me too, personally I would just come out and say it to him.

Op, a pointed look/stare at him might work in your case, but I think you're at the stage where he needs very straight-up telling. Not throwing dirty looks at him.

He sounds bloody insufferable.
Personally, I’d pull him up in front of his parents and point out that why can’t he be this involved when they’re not there? Say that it’s nice that he’s got his arse off the sofa and his head out of his phone and not leaving everything to you like he usually does.

Yes because men will be falling over themselves for the woman with three small children. And it's totally worth breaking up a family and depriving kids of their father full time rather than try to actually work it out.

Your husband isn't used to parenting his children.... he's never really had too. I think a combination of not being used to parenting the children, and feeling nervous at the prospect of having to entertain 3 children, makes him run for the hills.

I understand he's been working all week, but equally you look after the children and the home, without 'downtime'. He expects you to continue 24/7 without a break from the children. I would start having a small break away from the house at the weekend. Even if it's nipping to the supermarket for an hour, and leaving him with the 3 children. Of course, he'll expect you to take them all with you...nope, they stay with him.

He can step-up, because he does when his parents visit, so he's deliberately choosing not to engage in family life, the other 95% of the time. Not only is that incredibly hurtful towards you, but it's selfish on his part. The children are 50% his responsibility. He's treating you like a nanny and unpaid house-keeper, rather than his wife.

The only way this will remotely change, is if you stop facilitating his incompetence. You need to force him to engage, by leaving him on his own with the children. If he digs his heels in, then you may need to rethink your marriage.

Well, if you can think of a good solution to help OP we're all ears 🙄

I think the problem with the OP not being there during the inlaw visits would be they would judge HER (or she would feel they were) and feel sorry for their son, which would make the whole thing even more tense after the visit.

I am fond of my MIL and my mum's a nice person too but my god they feel overly sorry at times for their sons/SILs having to do radical stuff like cook, shop, take their turn getting up for kids, etc. I have been known to point out that they weren't doing that and also working, running the family finances, maintaining the house and garden...basically DH does some of what they consider their role, but equally, I do some of the stuff they considered their husband's.

A solution that relies on making a selfish person less selfish rarely works.

It requires practical action and sometimes, hardening your heart a little.

This was me a few years ago with 4 kids and you know how it changed? I stood up for myself- i stopped stepping in to do everything, next time your watching something and the baby wakes up pause it and go “nope, its your turn” next time something gets knocked over “i been cleaning up spills/messes all day- your turn” be direct, don’t hint or beat around the bush- you feel like you need a break you say “right, kids are yours, im going for a bath/read my book for half hour”, he may sigh and not do it to your standards but you have to just let them get on with it, its too easy as a mum to always feel like “if you want something done right you do it yourself” but then they never learn.

So you have a 6 year old, 2 year old, a baby, and in-laws you don't get along with, alongside a husband who is resentful if you ask for help/involvement.

You chose this OP. You must have known he was close to useless and that you didn't like his parents after baby number 1.

I am not remotely defending him but I would guess part of his involvement when his parents are around, is to diffuse the otherwise awkward atmosphere given you don't get along with them. No doubt is is also performative and he will be aware of trying to convey the image of a hands-on dad.

I would find this very grating, but again, this whole setup didn't magically happen. Becoming a SAHP to 3 young children comes with risks, which include being expected to do everything else except go out to a paid job.

I have no real advice because it sounds like this man doesn't believe he should step up on the weekend. He sees it as your sole responsibility. Men like this rarely change. He might be better with 3 tween/teens, but your situation is nothing new. Young women need to be encouraged to read these boards while they are still full of romantic notions about getting married and having babies.

Some men are just shit fathers
they like the sex part of trying to have a baby and think that’s all they have to do

the sooner the OP gets that & understands that he won’t change ,then she can start to make plans on what she wants to do

Even if the OP was working full time or part time she would still end up being the default parent - her husband isn’t going to change his attitude toward his kids and her

I'd be disgusted by this. I could not be with a man who was such a rubbish dad and husband.
What makes it worse is he knows what to do and how to do it, as he demonstrates when his parents are there. How embarrassing for him if they were to see what an utter looser they have bought into the world otherwise.
He knows he's in the wrong. He just doesn't care enough about you all
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that is an acceptable way for a dad to behave?

OP you need to be very aware of what all this means. He clearly views you and the children as a burden he resents. Furthermore, it sounds like he has no respect or gratitude for your role.

This is a terrible place to be in as a SAHM. A SAHM is only in a secure position if her H respects and values her role, and he values his life as a family man.

I am in my 50s and have seen so many women just tossed aside by men once their utiliy of raising the kids is done. This men resent having ‘kept’ thise women and have had a long time to plan how to keep ‘their’ money from their wives in a divorce.

Your main aim should be how to secure your financial future.

Some men are just shit fathers
they like the sex part of trying to have a baby and think that’s all they have to do

the sooner the OP gets that & understands that he won’t change ,then she can start to make plans on what she wants to do

Even if the OP was working full time or part time she would still end up being the default parent - her husband isn’t going to change his attitude toward his kids and her
she would still be the one taking time off when the kids are ill and paying for the child care
his attitude would be well you want to work so you can pay for the childcare or you can stay at home

if I was the op I would plan on returning back to work in a few years - retrain at her husbands expense

Nevermind a full lunch break, does he get to go to the toilet at work by himself? Does he get to make a cup of tea and drink it in peace? Does he have a quick chat with colleagues without a small person interrupting? On his commute can he switch off and listen to a podcast without being on constant alert in case someone in his vicinity has done a poo?

In which case, no matter how senior or stressful his job, I bet he gets more down time than you.

I have no advice really because I totally understand that his weaponsied incompetence/ sheer laziness would impact on the children. But tbh is loose all respect for my partner in this case and would be talking about separation.

Have you ever got properly angry with him? Told him to pack it in with the passive-aggressive sighing routine every time you ask for help. Call it out every single time. Make sure there's a cost to him for that kind of shitty behaviour.

If that doesn't have an impact, say the next step is divorce, and you'll be telling his parents why. Point out that he will have to have the kids every other weekend, with no help at all.

He's a total arsehole.