To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Take advantage. Go out while his parents visit. You don't like them anyway. If they ask say "he pretends they don't exist when you're not here, this is the only time he acknowledges them so I figured it'd be the only chance I got to see my friend."

They think he's a great dad and you're so lucky.

Oh also, he's not doing because he cares, or knows it's extra work and wants everyone to have a good time. He's doing it because he knows his behaviour is unacceptable, he's a shit dad, and he doesn't want them to know that's how he actually behaves. So pretends to be a good husband and father so they don't think less of him

You are both working. Your husband is in paid employment outside the home. You’re in unpaid employment in the home. Your H’s expectation of regular, significant downtime is ridiculous. Parents of small children don’t get regular, significant downtime. It is full on. That’s why that period is so tiny. Don’t refer to him “helping” you because that suggests that parenting is entirely your job whereas it’s as much his job as yours to parent your DCs outside his work hours.

Tell him that the contrast in his behaviour when his parents are there compared with his complete lack of help and support with the kids when it's just the five of you is so upsetting that you refuse to host his parents any more.

Yet another post about a man who had children he can't be arsed to parent

he wont change because why would he? Hes got it made, his entire life is arranged to his benefit and he knows you're too tired from you 24/7 job to fight back

the question is whether you'll just put up with it

Men behaving as if they live in a hotel is a very common story. While I do have some sympathy for men who work outside the home with SAHMs wanting to chill for part of the weekend, it can't always be like this. I think you probably need to reengineer your weekend such that you leave him alone with one or two children at home while you go out with the other one or two.

He sounds like my loser boss. Very glad I don’t have to be his wife/ child and I can leave whenever I want. Good luck.

Firstly I would go out somewhere for the day or preferably overnight and leave him with the kids. So that firstly you can get a break and secondly so he can see what it’s like.
Then have a talk, say you understand he’s tired from work but you are tired from looking after the kids and he needs to be involved on an evening and weekend.
The way I’ve found it works best is to have separate jobs in the house.
So I -
cook 4 nights a week
do dishes
laundry
bathrooms
general tidying/dustings/sweeping

dh does-
garden
bins
hoovering/ mopping
cooks 3 nights
cars
weekly shop order

we each get a lay in at the weekend
and we do bedtime together.

Another thing I learnt is don’t automatically jump up to deal with stuff, if I sit there dh will get up if I don’t.

ignore sighs / moans etc not your problem. Or say “I find it really sad when you do that do you not enjoy your time with your children”. If he launches into being tired just say “yes we are both tired I think it’s normal with 3 kids”. You could add a positive like “it will get easier “ to soften it.

But you have to not manage him he does his jobs on his time and deals with consequences.

if he refuses to play ball you need to either accept things as they are or separate where at least you would get a break when it’s his time.

I mean, it's exactly as you describe. Selective.

So either you get to the bottom of it (which is probably a deep rooted misogynistic reason like it being your job because "he works") and tackle it or you avoid it and work around it.

Working around it means maximising your time woth extra hands. Make those visits "his" weekend and make your own child free plans or make the most of him mucking in those weekends and make your own plans so he solo parents the following week while you're out.

I suspect you'll say you don't have anything to do but that is a part of the problem. He never has to step up because you're always there, plus you need to find yourself outside of being a mum. Even if you just go to the gym or visit the supermarket cafe or sit in the car in peace for a bit to read a book.

The more he does, the more he will do. Probably resentful but you can't change that he isn't really into parenting.

@amria I'm going to take a guess that it's you that wanted 3 children and to be a SAHM. You presumably knew by the 2nd that DH saw his role as provider and not much beyond?
So if you've then gone on to have another child as a SAHM I think you've made your bed. He won't change.
So you either get on with it until the DC are older and more independent, or become a single parent. In which case you'll still be pretty much doing it all anyway.

Another one asking if he really wanted three children. And we have plenty of mothers on here complaining about working full time and then finding it very, very hard to do all the family shit too - so why are we surprised when a bloke doesn’t want to do it either?

It’s hard to enjoy the drudgery of family life. That’s no excuse for not trying though.

I was also a SAHM by choice but when I eventually got a job I realised my life actually became a lot easier. It feels insane saying that because juggling childcare, work and household chores is certainly not easy, but it took that for my husband to finally step up and do more with his kids as well as around the house. But either way, I do think having a job to fall back on is very wise should you eventually have enough of this marriage and want out.
I would also be livid if my husband played devoted daddy in front of his parents, that’s so insulting to you. He is so insulting to you.

He clearly doesn't enjoy parenting

This must have been pretty obvious by child number 2 at least. Nevertheless you have 3 children and a husband who isn't interested in being a dad.

On some level he knows it's wrong, hence the performance when his parents come to stay.

However it's totally in his interest not to understand that, so if you challenge him you'll get all the usual "oh everything i do is wrong so I won't bother" and so on.

So you have two choices

1. Go back to work and pay for some childcare.
2. Divorce

He's not going to change so you have to accept on some level that this problem is also yours to solve.

Jesus why have three children?

Tbf 8am to 7 pm is long hours so I understand that he's tired. He presumably earns very well so start by getting a cleaner and an occasional baby-sitter so that you get some time to yourself.
Then plan for him to take the 2 eldest out every week-end- it could be a walk in the forest, park, soft play whatever so that he parents on his own.

Get back to work asap so you’re more financially independent. You have to decide if you can put up with this for the next 20 years minimum.

Life is too short for this rubbish and time wasting therapy, sit down with him and have a chat over a cup of tea nonsense. You know he won't change, he doesn't do it for you so he won't do it for his kids.
I would feel like a single parent in your shoes so I would carry on being a single parent without dickhead cluttering up the seatee for a start.
He can performance parent for his parents when he takes the kids to see them. Just because he works for a wage long hours doesn't mean he's not a dead beat in other ways. On the otherhand you are on call 24 /7 and don't get paid.

Yes, you shouldn’t have to but this is the way forward. And call him out on his performance “why can you do it when your parents are here”

I'd say to his parents "you must visit more" and eirher make a pointed look at him being a model dad/husband or say exactly what you mean. But then again I'm quite blunt and I'd say why out loud.

So your work is 24/7, but his is 12/5

Well I’d tell him to step up or step away. At least you’d get EOW.

Rule in our house - one up, all up.

He is more concerned with how people perceive him than how he is behind closed doors.
I would try to discuss how tiring looking after three DC is, acknowledge he he must be tired too and suggest that you both can pull together at the weekends to give both of you separate times to relax and unwind.

Buy the book and the cards Fair Play be Eve Rodsky. It’s a really good way you can make things fair. You read the book first, then you get the cards out, and divvy out between you, who does what when. It’s a brilliant way for your DH to see how much mental load you take on (if he’s willing to).
Its not divvying things up 50/50, it’s making things more fair.
I highly recommend.

Yet another post about a man who had children he can't be arsed to parent

It's getting tedious isn't it.

Why do women continue to have children by men who won't pull their weight?

I say this with kindness; did he want 3 children? It seems like one of those situations where perhaps you might have wanted more and he didn't really?

In fairness, he does provide enough money for you to stay at home and have 3 children. Our work as SAHMums is never ending and tiring. It is tiring in a different way to out of the home work, which tends to have more time sensitive pressure points and stress. Both types of work require juggling and effort, out of the house work normally requires quite a bit of "best face forward" type masking which can be pretty tiring.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him over this and explain what you find difficult and what help you would like. It sounds like his lazy lounging around isn't actually giving him the recharge he needs. I usually start by asking my husband what he needs from the weekend by about Wednesday evening/Thursday morning. I'll note that down, along with a couple of weekend jobs/chores and then, if he forgets to ask me back I'll pipe up with "I'd like to slot in a gym trip on Sunday morning and I'll take half an hr for a coffee and some time to journal on my way home" as I know these things work for me.

During the week id there any chance of you getting a hour to yourself? Gym/nap/walk/coffee? If not, try to do something for yourself during your children's nap times.

With children as young as yours are, resentment creeps in whatever the working patterns of both parents. You are both tired, stressed and running on empty. Try to find compassion for each other and work through it.

Congratulations. You have 4 children.

Seriously, he is behaving like an overgrown toddler. It's even more infuriating that he puts on a show for his parents - so he knows full well he isn't pulling his weight.

As for what the answer is - only you can handle that. He clearly protects his downtime with every bit of his strength - you need to do the same. You need a break too.

Or is he one of those who thinks stay at home mothers sit at home all day relaxing? It's his entire mindset which needs a shift - the only thing I can think of is for you to get a pt job, so he will be forced to help. I don't know what else you can do - he clearly doesn't care.