DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

[bobthebuilder03]

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

Well that’s a shite dog owner. The end.

Well that’s a shite dog owner. The end.

Christ. He has a 12yr old sitting next to him on the Xbox. The child should be his errand boy to get drinks, snacks, ice packs not you. Make a game of it and have him log how many flights he goes up and then find a tower that same height.

He laughed off his brother because he was uncomfortable and conflict avoidant.
As the vasectomy was his idea, he definitely doesn’t agree with his brother.

The prickliness is most likely due to the pain, which he forewarned you about.
What is he taking for the pain?

You can’t do it all yourself, so the 12yr old is going to have to be daddy’s little helper until he is recovered.

I don't put myself out for people that talk to me like shit, so he would either be having to apologise and ask again nicely or get up and gingerly manage the stairs himself, which really he should be up and about for small amounts of time.

I don't have particularly a lot of sympathy for men but things can go wrong with these very minor surgeries so keep that in mind.

Well that's bullshit. I suffer with chronic pain and getting lost in a game works better as pain relief than my morphine does.

Being able to throw yourself into a distraction doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - it means you really bloody need the distraction.

I’m not being unsympathetic and I do believe that he is genuinely in pain. It's just his attitude towards me that's getting to me. I only used the wisdom teeth example as that's the only other surgery he's had and he has said himself he's not good with pain

He's taking Ibuprofen but it seems to wear off before his next dose and then he's in pain again.

As for postpartum, he isn't my eldests bio dad but has been in his life since he was 3 and eldest is now an adult and he is dad in every other way but he obviously wasnt there for postpartum. With youngest he was prem and he was in hospital for a while so there wasn't a lot he could do really as I had pretty much ty much recovered physically by the time he came home, his first few months were pretty traumatic for us all as he was then very unwell and back in hospital again for a while

We then had an unplanned pregnancy in 2022 and even though life was stressful at the time with eldest we wanted to keep it but unfortunately we had a late loss and it’d be the due date on Tuesday so that baby would be 3 if we hadn't had the loss and he was supportive through that and maybe the due date thing is also ok his mind.

After that I didn't want another baby especially as I didn't want to go through potentially another loss but also that child could also be prem due to youngest being prem, he didn't seem fussed either way but then the false positive test did freak him out last summer, had it been a proper positive the baby would've been due after our youngest turned 13 and neither of us really want nappies and the baby stage again as we are so far from it now and can easily do things and go places without a toddler having a tantrum and a crying baby etc

Life is also settled right now, eldest is happy and has a job and is doing better than any of us could've hoped for and youngest is happy and doing well at school etc so a baby in the mix would disrupt that even if it would be only slightly

In regards to his brother. They're only 10 months apart so when he was younger he was compared to him a lot, brother was louder and more social and therefore more popular and DP was quieter and hates small talk and is more sensitive (still the case), he said as teens his brother somewhat bullied him and his parents didn’t do anything except his mum turning a blind eye and dad telling him to stop being so sensitive. Then his brother went to Cambridge uni and DP went to the local (but still very good) uni and he was sort of made to feel inferior there too even though he’s got a good job and they’re obviously different people.

I just think DP still tries to get his approval a lot even if it’s subconsciously, his brother still has bullying tendencies sort of as at the start of the month DP was saying how he’s lost 3 stone since xmas which is obviously a big thing but his brother shot him down and said “you’ve been there many times before” meaning at the same weight he is now i think. I don’t think he’s got the memo of if you have nothing nice to say don’t speak at all

The brother sounds like a massive douche. What’s the point of saying all that after it’s done?

Ok your DP or you or someone needs to find a way to deal with the brother, he cannot go on talking to DP like that.

He sounds incredibly obnoxious. What’s his problem? Is he insecure in some way? It sounds like your DP has a happy family life with you and the kids, is that not the case for the brother?

Absolutely.

I remember my dad having a vasectomy years and years ago and my mum having to tell him to sit down and rest, he wasn’t in major amounts of pain, mild discomfort, I know everyone is different but I think (don’t know) he may be taking the piss out of you.

His brother has 2 children also, one is the same age as my eldest and she's away in her first year of uni now so he doesn't see her loads as when she's home she usually sees her mum. He also has a 6yo with his partner, she turned 6 on Friday and he was more interested in making comments rather than seeing her open presents from us etc. His partner did sideeye him somewhat, they recently got back together so you'd think he'd want to he on his “best Behaviour” in front of her too

Get him on paracetamol every four hours and ibuprofen every four hours but stagger so he's taking one or other every two hours up to the allowed daily dose of course.

He is 34 and has two children, youngest being 12, and when he started relationship with you he must have been at most 21years old he became a surrogate dad to your 3 year old.

Wow… he started young!

We were together for almost 3.5 years when we had youngest.

Where is OP not showing emotional support?

Also, it was his idea. OP didn’t force him into it or offer ultimatums and supported him in the decision. He was absolutely fine with it until his AH of a brother decided to spout his opinion on it after it was already done.

Betting OP’s DH didn’t tell his brother for a reason and now is annoyed and taking it out on OP.

Him being in pain is no excuse for treating OP the way he is.

I had one of my wisdom teeth out a couple of years ago and I'm fairly tolerant with pain and I thought it'd be 24 hours of discomfort then relatively fine. Removal was 10 am on Saturday so I'll be right as rain Monday morning.

Nope. As the injection wore off and I started having to take painkillers I was floored. I was in bed from teatime Saturday until Monday lunchtime and wasn't without pain at all until Tuesday even with every painkiller I could take.

When I was next at the dentist I mentioned it and she said "Ah, yes, do you remember my telling you that you had unusually long roots on your teeth...." So it clearly differs for different people.

I also know two guys who had complications post-vasectomy (both haematomas) and one has permanent testicular pain. It may be uncommon but I don't like people being blase about any surgery or saying "well, XYZ was SO much worse, he's being a wimp". It's just shitty having no empathy whatsoever just because it's a bloke.

Your DH is being ridiculous and his brother is a massive bell end.

Exactly, if someone is normally ok, I would forgive this. If he always expects you to run around after work while he comes home and sits on the sofa all night, that is a problem. A coworker who had a hysterectomy was extremely tearful for a while after the op-I am not saying it's the same, obviously, but both men and women can be upset at the thought they can't have kids any longer-even if they thought they didn't want any more, and stupid comments from other people don't help.

You are missing the point. It’s irrelevant if it was his idea or not. He is obviously coming to terms with it.
A little chat about how he is feeling about it all will probably go a long way.

His brother is awful.

I would directly address this with your DH. Either to his face or a text.

say ‘what your db said was so unfair and unkind and untrue. We have completed our family and it’s so lovely, I love our little family that we’ve made together. I love having sex with you and I’m so excited to be able to feel you (get as filthy as you feel comfortable with here) when you’re better next week and forever (we are NOT going to split up as db so rudely implied!)
I really appreciate you going through this short term pain for us. The alternative would have been risking me going through excruciating and traumatic pain of an abortion or childbirth again and for you to has relieved me of this worry you’re a hero in my mind and I’ve never found you sexier and can’t wait to (insert filth)’

something along those lines should restore his manliness and make him feel appreciated

He’s obviously in a lot of pain and that’s affecting his mood and behaviour.

he probably needs stronger painkillers.

Or he could not ask other people to go running around after them every 5 minutes because he can't be arsed to give a list.

Anyway he should be on his feet sorting out his own shit by now.