DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

[bobthebuilder03]

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

Blimey, my sterilisation sounds less fussy than this! He’ll be back up and running in a few days, but it does sound like he’s being a bit of a pampered Prince. You’ve done nothing wrong - don’t feel bad, he’s just being a bit dramatic.

Yes it is, but completely unsurprised by it from that poster.

It's not a competition as to who has ever endured most pain and his brother isn't really relevant. If he generally looks after you as and when you need it, just do the same for him now.

My dad lost a testicle after a vasectomy back when it was way more invasive

my ex husband had a vasectomy when I was pregnant his mom told me he could do NOTHING AT ALL not even go to the toilet without assistance (she said drs orders) i fired back he is staying with you then because im not carrying him upstairs at thirty weeks pregnant (her husband cut in saying that's not what the dr said at all just no heavy lifting! 🤣) the thing is he does need to move around my ex had to wear budgie smugglers too he found those to be the worst! But if he keeps sitting and doing nothing its going to be worse when he HAS to do something

Could you imagine a woman on mumsnet being given the advice to stop complaining or just getting on with it after surgery??

Welcome to the internet. Here, MNetters run marathons from just outside the operating theatre for their section for triplets.

I think dismissing his pain is unreasonable. If you dont want to do something for him right away just tell him that but I think he's allowed to be a bit grumpy after surgery.

@bobthebuilder03 I agree - his brother is rotten. What a time to be unkind to your brother, already feeling a bit low post-surgery. And yes, it is minor in some ways but - his brother has kindly pointed out he can’t have any more (not easily). Plain mean.

Wow I couldn't imagine a more manly and capable thing to do...his brother is a fool

DH is milking it though lol tell him he must move to avoid a DVT after such a serious procedure 🙄

I left mine on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas on his man parts and carried on with my day, spending as much time as possible away from the house.

Yes totally I can see that difference and the reason for it ...this is bruising and swelling ...totally different to childbirth

You presumably agreed to it and looked into the ramifications of it. Bite the bullet and just get on with it as the demands will not last long. Why not look at it this way - his ability to have further children at such a young age has now been taken away by you which would be similar to your ability to have children if your womb was taken away if he had agreed to it. Why can you not see that correlation. Most men are known not to have a high threshold for pain. If it was the other way round no doubt vast majority of MNs would be on your side. You are being dramatic, cold and uncaring to say the least unless of course this is your fail safe for when you feel unsure about something or someone you love that is in pain. The fact he has another health aspect may also be causing you concern and, if this is the case, then you should seek him further medical attention if you have concerns. Your attitude, given the age of your son, should also make you think as he will remember this for the rest of his life.

I've been through labour and had a tooth extraction .. Labour is worse

Sounds bad but is there no where he can stay with only one flight of stairs so he can recover and you get a rest

The brother is vile. I think I'd have told him "that's enough now Darren, get out of our house now".

I'd probably have a gentle word with your DP and ask him if his brother's comments have upset him. Then even if he denies it, let him know that you're there if he wants to talk about it.

In terms of the constant "get me" things, I'd be more proactive. Every morning, afternoon & evening, so 3 times per day, go and fetch him enough drinks and snacks to take him through to the next service period (couldn't think of a better term sorry). If he claims he doesn't want anything, just improvise and bring him a selection. If he asks for anything in-between, "sure, I'll bring that for you this afternoon" etc.

Any comments regarding his discomfort blah blah blah, I'd firmly remind him that you've been through pregnancies and childbirth and you're more than familiar with discomfort, then tell him at least his should be gone very soon, unlike the recovery from childbirth.

If you get sick of him, I'd lose it and tell him to grow the fuck up and tell him that many men are back to work the day after!

He sounds infuriating, but I do have a little sympathy for him over his brother's treatment.

Pain is very different for different people. I personally found broken bones and appendicitis to be worse than labour, and I laboured for 5.5 days with my first.

At the end of the day, people cope differently so it's not really that comparable.

This.

My husband had his vasectomy at aged 30/31 after our second baby, a very long time ago now. He was told to take a few days off work and I’d say it was a good 7 to 10 days before he began to feel well and normal again. Certainly longer than the dr had prepared him for. I can remember not really feeling that bothered, I left him to it. He didn’t moan or require “waiting on”, it just a case of resting until he felt better.
I guess what I’m trying to say is everyone handles pain differently and everyone reacts to things differently. I’m sure like many areas of relationships, sometimes ….either one of you may need more support at other and varying times. Some days our partners have to step up for us, other days, us for them. It’s evidently grating on you to keep hearing him moan etc but realistically I’m sure he’s supported you in many a trying time. I’d personally try to have a bit more patience

Is he keeping on top of his pain relief properly?
My DH had a vasectomy shortly after I had our 3rd baby via c-section.
He was sore but went to work 2 days later and made sure he kept dosed up on paracetamol/nurofen.
Whilst everyone’s pain is different I certainly wasn’t running around after him as we had a new baby and I was recovering myself.
One of my DH friends asked him what he would do if we split up and wanted more children with someone else, my DH said he couldn’t afford any more children regardless of who is was with, 3 was the number he could adequately support…. His friend didn’t have much to say after that 😂

Everyone is different so these kind of comments are pointless. Your DH had one day of rest…. And?
Some women are up and about after childbirth the next day, some women take a few weeks, should we tell the women that need longer to recover to hurry up because other women recover quicker?

what if you two split and you meet someone else who wants kids, you’ve shut that down now

I've never understood this. Like men don't have agency themselves to decide if they want children or not. Sorry, but the brother is a twat and if that idiot got to your husband with his incely masculinity comments then he needs to get a grip.

I had to stop my wisdom tooth extraction attempted under local to have under GA. It also hurt for weeks after the extraction so I understand complaining about this.

There are so few opportunities in life to make someone feel that they are really valued and seen and cared for. Being unwell or post-op is one of those times. He’s in pain and feeling vulnerable. I don’t know why you wouldn’t take the opportunity to show that extra care and compassion. Sometimes it seems that in this country we might treat our dogs more kindly one day after an operation/giving birth than we do our spouses. When did we get to be a country which prides itself on being so hard on people all the time?

I know it's difficult, but when some people are in pain, they do take it out on their nearest and dearest. The physical suffering reduces the brains ability to process social cues, leading to decreased patience and an increased likelihood of lashing out . Essentially pain overwhelms the nervous system,shrinking capacity for empathy. We all have different pain thresholds, which we have no control of...l know it can be difficult, but it won't last forever...

Maybe he should be adult about and use his words. Instead of talking to OP like crap.

Hes being a man child. My husband had the snip and was absolutely fine, still helping with the kids and just popped an ice pack on at night. Honestly its not major surgery, its a tiny incision. Tell him to get a grip.