DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

[bobthebuilder03]

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

My DH was in a lot of pain the afternoon of the vasectomy and the next day. Luckily he had it done on the Friday and Monday was a BH so was fine going back on Tuesday.. I'm not going to deny the fact that I'm sure it's bloody painful but so is childbirth. My DH had no real choice, if I got pregnant again it could have killed me so after what I'd been through he had the vasectomy. Hopefully by Monday your DH will be feeling better and be back at work. Presumably he'll start doing stuff for himself then. No-one is going to run round after him when he's at work
His brother sounds like a twat just ignore him and be glad you didn't marry him

I do wonder if there is a bit of ‘both of them not being at their best’ here tbh. The ash might be milking it a bit but theOP sounded very unsympathetic about wisdom teeth and they can really be very uncomfortable depending on the severity of the extraction.

I’ve had all 4 of mine out. 2 were a doddle, 1 was painful and needed good care but was fine. The final (and hardest one) hit me like a brick. I’d assumed the recovery would be straightforward like the others but the dentist was like ‘this one was proper surgery and a challenging extraction- you’ll be in pain and swollen and need to take it easy’.

I must be a terrible wife because I wouldn't have put up with the self-pity. I was only a month PP when DH had his done at a hospital twenty miles from home. The roads are winding, hilly and pretty bumpy. We stopped for lunch on the way home at DH's request.
Maybe DH had a higher pain threshold, or perhaps after recently witnessing my drug-free labour, and having a very young baby, DH wasn't at all like yours.
The surgeon told DH gentle movements were best for a smooth recovery and to take some ibuprofen. That was it. He definitely didn't punish me for a decision that was ultimately his.
I assume your DH decided to have a vasectomy because it made sense to you as a couple, and with your youngest DC being twelve years old that you've been together a long time, and he's had many years to affirm his choice.
We had a month old baby, but we'd been married 13 years at the time. One of the first big decisions we made after having our first DC was that DH would have it done because I gave birth. Perhaps your DH needs reminding of that.
Did you act the same after giving birth? I assume you never marched him to the hospital with a gun to his head.
I know it's uncomfortable for a few days, but really isn't (my three DBs and close friend have also had one) as terrible as he's making it out to be, unless there's a problem. If he doesn't need a doctor calling then he needs to stop now and he owes you a huge apology.
We're still happily married twenty years later, DH (and I) have no regrets.

I hope he looked after you in the same way as he is expecting you to care for him after you’d given birth, OP! If so, he is probably not being too U. If not (which I strongly suspect is the case) he is being massively U.

Surely you are not comparing childbirth recovery with a minor outpatient procedure recovery?

OP, you don't sound callous. I’d ask him if what his brother said bothers him.

Has he dragged out the dressing gown of doom yet?
Hope he mans up soon OP

How was he when you gave birth? DP ran around after me like a blue arsed fly tbh, and still does, pregnant again and breastfeeding. So if he had done that for us, which he will when were done, and you can see he's visibly Injured and hurting then I wouldn't be complaining about looking after him for a week in all honesty. It's only been two bloody days.

Yeah his attitudes abit shit but also, you both know he can't handle pain. His brother has belittled him over it.

Now if he wouldn't look after you after giving birth that's another matter isn't it.

I think you are being a bit unsympathetic. It’s obviously going to be physically painful. It varies but men I know well it has taken about 2 weeks to stop being fairly debilitating. None of these are layabout types!

It is also emotional. Men are allowed to have feelings about it. There can be grief even if they feel overall it’s the right choice.

But yes he could plan what things he wants so you aren’t going up and down the stairs all the time.

My husband had it done , drove 90mins home then was up a ladder the morning after taking fairy lights down. I mean this kindly but he’s being fairly wet !

I was a little unsympathetic when DH had his and it turned out he hadn’t healed properly and was genuinely in agony. It was only once we spoke to a nurse about how he was feeling and she seemed quite concerned that I realised it wasn’t him being OTT. I felt awful once I realised.
He’s had surgery, I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt - and he needs to tell someone if he’s not healing as he should.

@bobthebuilder03 hope you’ve managed to get some sleep without running errands all night 🤣

In all seriousness, post operative complications can happen and everyone does have different pain thresholds - pain is extremely subjective anyway so I would firstly check that the swelling isn’t anything more than expected, he has enough pain relief, no evidence of infection etc etc

If none of the above then, I would as empathetic ally as you can address this with him. Just say you appreciate he is in pain and whilst sympathetic to this, him being very short / snappy with you isn’t helping his pain and it’s making you quite frustrated whilst basically having to do everything for him.

It may be that comments from his brother have nothing to do with it or maybe like you say there is a link. Most providers counsel men thoroughly on vasectomies and how unlikely a reversal is to work anyway and he would have signed a consent form so the idea that youce someone forced him into this is ludicrous - I would have been annoyed that he didn’t. Say thy at himself! in any case a few days or pain I’m sure is a better trade off than further children who would be unplanned/ unwanted or a future of abstinence. It’s not a competition but I would also remind him of pregnancy / childbirth and postnatal period

Come on, It’s only been a day. I’m sure your 12 year old can also do some errands for him so you don’t have to do all the flight climbing.
I feel it’s a bit mean complaining about having to help him with stuffs and also him playing games to take his mind off the pain less than a day after surgery, minor or not.
He feels he needs fo be supported at this time, you think he should get on with it, less than a day after , not cool.
People feel pain differently, everyone else in the household just need to do the stairs climbing too and help

I've got a friend like this. She's so unsympathetic when her dh is ill. If she's ill she just gets on with it and expects him to do the same.

If he had it Friday I'd care over the weekend and if it's still bad Monday morning I'd suggest a doctors Appointment as it might not have healed properly.

I can't imagine begrudging my dh an ice pack. He's not icing his balls for fun. Ditto pain meds. Snacks and drinks would be a different thing. Yes happy to get them but not up and down like a yoyo.

Brother sounds like a dick and my dh would have shut such BS down. Are you annoyed yours didn't?

I was surprised when you said you’d experienced childbirth…

My husband had one on Thursday. He did rest all Thursday afternoon / Friday morning with ice etc. But he got up for lunch on Fri then back to bed. He took the bin out then went a test drive in the car and picked up a couple of things on Fri night then took our 6 yr old to swimming and football yesterday morning whilst I took the other child to a party. So he is laying it on a bit!

The handbag after childbirth reference was quite strange 🤔

I never agree with people saying’ my dh had one and waa as doing x by whatever’- everyone is different and any surgery goes differently for different people. I was out from the hospital the day after I had one of my sons, and did the school run the day after that, with my other son I could barely crawl four days later, both similar births. Same with every surgery, dental issue, even cold and flu, and my attitude has been different too sometimes and my dh didnt act the way he definitely could have!

op hopefully it eases for you both, yes the comments weren’t great, I hate that what if you want kids thing

"My husband had it done , drove 90mins home then was up a ladder the morning after taking fairy lights down. I mean this kindly but he’s being fairly wet !"

"I was out from the hospital the day after I had one of my sons, and did the school run the day after that, with my other son I could barely crawl four days later, both similar births"

"I mean this kindly but you were just being fairly wet the second time! Did you crack out the dressing gown of doom too"?😉

Seriously, glad some people have empathy. Seems a bit toxic to be sympathetic to women after childbirth, painful periods etc but then tell a woman her husband is a drip because he's in pain the day after surgery

Yes he sounds like a bit of a twat BuT fgs, you post on Saturday and he had the op on Friday…. At least allow him 48 hours to mope around feeling sorry for himself before starting a mumsnet thread whinging about him!

Yes, this. Some women make a huge fuss after giving birth, some men make a huge fuss after a vasectomy.

Neither, usually, require a drama. But, just support one another. The aches and pains pass.

In fairness I think experiences differ, my DH was much the same as yours, my DB was in a lot of pain and had to return to the hospital due to excessive swelling.

It’s the same as childbirth, some women up and about after a few hours, others a few days.

It’s was only 24 hours yesterday.

It’s not the fact that he’s in pain and moping around, nor that he is needing a bit of help. It’s the way he is speaking to his wife. He is treating her like shit and there’s no need for it. I would make it clear that he either starts treating and speaking to you a bit more nicely, or he can fuck off and look after himself. You’re not his maid, not his nurse and not his emotional punchbag. Pain is not an excuse to be an arsehole to the person who is running around doing everything for you.

My DH irritated me after his as well. I was fully sympathetic for the first few days but after maybe 4/5 days of his whinging and limping around I grew impatient and told him to get on with it. I’m sure it is sore but not as bad as childbirth and the after effects, that’s for sure!

His friend also made the remark about children with other women btw which DH immediately shot down.

What do you mean by “hopefully he’s not a redhead”.

I’m assuming the poster is referring to redhead tolerance of pain being different (I’m a ginger). In which case they are mistaken as us gingers are better at tolerating pain, I believe it’s anaesthetic that we need more of.