DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

[bobthebuilder03]

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

“this is not a favour to you from him, it’s him taking responsibility for his own reproductive system as you have had to for all of the years prior”.

This!

I think his brother’s comments would wind me up much more than going up and down the stairs for snacks.

Just try to bring a tray or something with multiple things for him in each trip and take regular time outs in the bedroom as needed.

Pain, and how a person tolerates it, is very much an individual thing. Some people have amazing pain tolerance, some have very little, if any at all.

He is BU with his demands of you, esp around asking for things when you have just sat down (the example you give).

However, he's just coming into the prime post-op infection period (48 hrs after op) and if he has got (or developing) a post-op infection, on top of the localised trauma to the area it will not be pleasant at all. He should look out for increased swelling and pain in the area.

Make sure he takes the maximum pain relief he can have, and tell him that while you are sympathetic towards his pain, the way he speaks to you is clearly not acceptable.

And if he moans at you because you haven't changed the clocks quick enough this morning, gently grab his balls and squeeze until he apologises!

Ahhhhh ok! Thanks I have heard of this before (from a ginger). Thanks for explaining - am a bit slow this morning.

Gingers are also known to bleed more post operatively than those that aren't ginger.

Yeah that would piss me off...

But after 3 c-sections having to deal with newborns feeding and changing from day 1, I don't think my husband would make any attempt to be so rude and needy!

Some of the things my husband would do for the first few days to help that you could try: bringing thermos of coffee/tea and a couple of clean mugs, a few snacks in advance, he put a TV in the bedroom, meds etc were in the bedroom...
I still tried to move around every hour or so as recommended for recovery, but it was helpful not to have to go downstairs.

DH had vasectomy in his 40s. He had one day of rest…..

I think that you need to cut him some slack. His brother's visit has obviously upset him and probably magnifying his pain.

Set him up a station with drinks and snacks also should he still be using ice packs after day one? The guidance has probably changed but it used to be only for day one....I think its been awhile

“When an acquaintance made similar comments to DH he said I've got my family , I'm not really into the idea of multiple children with various women. (The other guy is on wife 3 and has 5 DC across them).”

May I just applaud your DH for a brilliant comeback. Hope that acquaintance will think twice before making those kind of comments in the future.

'A big baby' ???

FFS he's just had surgery on his most sensitive part.

Unbelievably my sister in law made a similar comment. We were in a happy, committed marriage and thinking about what-ifs just doesn’t come into it. Was the best decision we made. Sex was even better afterwards. Hope he can get past feeling sorry for himself soon and get to enjoying worry free sex!

Bloody big sook. Try putting up with the pains associated with carrying a baby to term! Men really can be pathetic but are the first to complain when we women need a bit of sympathy or a break. What was he like with regards to helping out when you were postpartum? His brother is a moron.

It’s not that painful according to DH.

It's almost like people have different experiences...

Did he run around after you like this when you had babies?

Tell his brother if he makes those comments again, that if he doesn't change his attitude then that day will come soon enough.

I remember my ex milked the snip and lay in bed for a week. I took stuff up for him but didn't sit in the same room as him in case I throttled him.

This!!

I’d be saying something like “gosh, you’re going to take a while to recover from this operation, we’d better not have sex for 6 months”.

Exactly!

His brother is a cock. All 3 of my bils had vasectomies and while my husband wouldn't ever, he never said any of the shit your bil said. The "what if you split up" is massively insulting. If I said that when my sister's husband had his vasectomy she would have punched me

This too

He's an arse, DH already thought he was an arse and he'd made similar but less obvious comments about DH coming back after with a high pitched voice, or a penchant for florals, he'd also implied it was me instigating it which DH shut down before he had it done, so I think he was expecting something and had time to prep a comeback 😂. Bonus is he rarely speaks to DH now, seems he was offended

Definitely!

The OP is not his mother. She doesn’t need to tell him to take medication or manage that aspect for him. Although many people might think a man’s brain is between his legs…..it actually isn’t. This procedure will not have affected his brain to such an extent that he can’t think for himself or manage his own post operative care. Nor will it be affecting him in such a way that excuses him from being a total dickhead towards the person running around after him.

And if he knows he “can’t handle pain” then he should be managing it properly to stay on top of it.

His brother sounds like an absolute bellend, but I think people are being rather harsh here about your husband.

Tolerance for pain varies, as do the effects of surgery. If he says he's in pain then he almost certainly is. I'm not sure how helpful it is for people to post about how quickly their partners recovered- I'd certainly roll my eyes if a bloke came on here saying that their wife must milking it after gynae surgery because other women apparently recovered more quickly.

I guess my DH absolutely took care of me, gave me medication to take etc when I was postnatal. So I don’t see care for one another as “mothering”. I probably would feel differently if my DH wasn’t a very hands on dad and loving partner. But supporting one another when you’re not well is surely basic partner behaviour 101?