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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

195 replies

bobthebuilder03 · 29/03/2026 00:33

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

OP posts:
Chimen · 30/03/2026 21:05

JayJayj · 30/03/2026 20:38

Maybe he should be adult about and use his words. Instead of talking to OP like crap.

Show quote history

Yes because people that are going through a difficult emotional period are great with words.

We go on and on about toxic masculinity but yet when men are going through difficult periods, they are left to fend on their own.

A simple chat about how he is feeling about it all would have been great.
Yet apparently he is influenced by his brother, he is this and that, get a grip, etc..

aWeeCornishPastie · 30/03/2026 21:18

My ex had a vasectomy and was totally fine. I appreciate everyone has different pain thresholds but he sounds like a moat whinging bastard who is milking it.

Blades2 · 30/03/2026 21:51

bobthebuilder03 · 29/03/2026 00:42

part of me is wondering if those comments from his brother about “manhood” have got in his head a bit as well because he’s definitely more prickly than usual. I forgot to add in the op it was things like “couldn’t be me, I’d feel like less of a man” and “what if you two split and you meet someone else who wants kids, you’ve shut that down now”. also a couple of digs about “letting her make that decision for you” which isn’t even true as it was mainly DP’s idea anyway. I could tell DP was a bit awkward about it, but not really shutting it down either.

Tell his pig brother that if you were to split up, vasectomies are reversible, however being a pig isn’t.

and as for your dh. My dad had a vasectomy, many years ago, lied to the hospital and said his brother was collecting him, drove himself home and got on with looking after me and my sister.

Girlwithavibe · 30/03/2026 22:02

DH had this done he was walking round town the next day !! He needs painkillers and super tight pants ! He needs to grow a pair what a baby !!
Stop doing everything because he's milking it !!!

Dancingintherain09 · 30/03/2026 22:11

bobthebuilder03 · 29/03/2026 00:33

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

Geeze, my husband went back to work the next day on paracetamol. He still bathed our then 8 month old and did bed time routine etc.
He ended up having to have it redone as it failed, second time he had it done on the Thursday and went back to work on the Monday He said second time was more painful but again didn't stop him helping with DS he just took some painkillers and got on with it.
What was he like with looking after you when you had your babies or did he expect you to just get on with it.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 30/03/2026 22:35

Omg. What a massive baby.

My husband had his vasectomy in 2023. Yes he was a little sore for a couple of days but he didn’t expect me to wait on him hand and foot, didn’t feel sorry for himself either. Just cracked on with life, just taking things a little easier (he was on light duties at work for 5 days).

Yours is acting like an arsehole. As others have said remind him of the childbirth you have gone through, must worse than a measly vasectomy.

YADNBU.

💐💐💐

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 30/03/2026 22:36

Apparently, modern Vasectomies involve fairly low invasive an a few smallest snips. Just Google it.

In contrast, l would check your husband testicles. Just to see if he is OK and they haven't been cut off completely

And this is the reason why he is so much pain. He sounds like a real Pussy and big girls blouse type to me

Ignore him, he just wants all the attention and to be waited on hand and foot

ilikemethewayiam · 30/03/2026 22:37

my 34-year-old male team leader had a vasectomy in the morning and was back in the office in the afternoon! He just doped himself up with painkillers and got on with it! He never once got grumpy. Sounds like your DP is not managing his pain properly.

wordledrivingmemad · 30/03/2026 22:51

Shouldn’t he be moving around as soon as possible? He shouldn’t be sat done not moving. Also, remind him you squeezed little humans out, probably had to be stitched up, had a plate sized internal wound (where placenta was) but still had to get up feed, change look after a baby immediately afterwards. I tell him to grow a pair, but you don’t want functioning ones!

falsealarms22 · 30/03/2026 23:33

AnotherDogWontHurt · 29/03/2026 04:08

Tbf, men can be affected differently, some have more pain swelling than others, but it doesn’t excuse his treatment of the OP.

Show quote history

Thanks for this, I was expecting to bounce back, but it felt like I'd been kicked in between the legs for about 8 days... Bit of a shock for everyone tbh!
He shouldn't be a dick about it though...

Nancybluxx · 31/03/2026 02:14

bobthebuilder03 · 29/03/2026 00:33

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

My brither has this dine and he also said it killed him he the lain was unbearable and he was babdly brusied mean like dark blue / black he said

Delphiniumandlupins · 31/03/2026 02:40

Tell your DH that he is more of a man than his brother. Because he is. Hopefully he feels better soon. He should keep up the painkillers and try to move about as much as he can comfortably. Honestly, this will pass fairly soon and you'll both be glad he's done this.

Tablesandchairs23 · 31/03/2026 07:54

He sounds immature. Leave him to it.

Latebloomer121 · 31/03/2026 20:01

If a man won't get a vasectomy, he's already thinking about a future without you. At last your kids won't be lumbered with unwanted half-siblings if you do separate, so a big win for you!

BoogieTownTop · 31/03/2026 21:28

Latebloomer121 · 31/03/2026 20:01

If a man won't get a vasectomy, he's already thinking about a future without you. At last your kids won't be lumbered with unwanted half-siblings if you do separate, so a big win for you!

OPs DH got a vasectomy though?

Hankunamatata · 31/03/2026 21:32

Yikes. My dh was abnormal perhaps but he was driving the next day and doing normal stuff. He said it was tender but just wore some snug pants which helped.

butterfly231 · 31/03/2026 21:51

He’s milking this so you play Florence nightingale. Delegate to the kids haha

Crumpets12 · 31/03/2026 22:16

I can completely understand how you must be feeling. It must be really grinding your gears and it sounds like a really tough time for you all but as previous posters have said I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I would make him a snack/ drinks station with everything he may want in the morning/ twice a day. Act really sympathetic but say the running up and down is killing you and can’t carry on.
If the problem is down to him feeling shit about his brother’s comments could you help make him feel more positive about his vasectomy and how you’re looking forward to doing things when he’s healed blah blah blah
If he’s already feeling rubbish trying to recover, I can imagine he is feeling even more sensitive about his brother’s comments

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 31/03/2026 22:19

My husband didn’t really behave any differently! I know people do pain differently, but for goodness sake. How do you stop yourself rolling your eyes

Nettie1964 · 04/04/2026 03:23

He is being a dick he will recover it will pass.

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