DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

[bobthebuilder03]

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

Nope. My friend did this & years later her DH often has to carry her handbag for her (it has the kitchen sink in it! It's genuinely very heavy.) it's pathetic.

Ick.

If he's suffering so badly he can choose to take himself back to the doctors like a big boy, ice pack strapped to his useless bollocks.

I would just set the livingroom up for him. Put some drinks and snacks within arms reach. And most importantly his pain medication. Use the thermos to keep tea warm. Then fill it up with fresh tea every now and again.

Let him heal, his brother is an idiot. Next time he says things like that, feel free to tell him to back off. Your manly man, decided to protect his wife and family from unwanted pregnancy. I personally applaud men who take their own fertility in their own hands.

So it’s been a day? Could understand if this has been going on for multiple days, but it’s been A DAY. He’s in pain and grumpy. I wouldn’t feel like putting my brother in his place either if my genitals were swollen and bruised.

Supporting….absolutely. Managing it for them when they can do it themselves…..no.

Going and getting medication from downstairs because they realise it’s due and have asked nicely if you could fetch it for them = support.

Managing their pain medication dose and timings for them because they can’t be bothered to take any responsibility for their own care, whilst they snap at you and treat you like shit = no.

Everyone's experiences are different.my friend went home 3 hours after giving birth to her second. Didn't miss a beat looking after either her widest or the newborn. Are all other women pathetic.

Sounds like stress incontinence maybe.

Have a discussion with him about how immature his brother is. That might help put things in perspective.

Have a basket of his favourite snacks up stairs with water and juice. Put some ice cubes in a large thermos or an insulated water bottle so he can top up when he needs.

it’s been 3 days list indulge him and make him feel like an extra special patient. Yes it’s a smallish surgery but it’s quite big emotionally. It doesn’t matter if it was his idea or not. I don’t get the need to downplay removing your ability to have kids on here.

it’s a big deal and something he has done for the better/ease of your relationship. Making a fuss for a week is fine. You don’t need to compare it to child birth.

No she's pretty lazy & has him running around after her all the time, bith the kids gsfd left school now. She doesn't gave any incontinence (except during a recent illness with a lot of coughing) but she always brings up that she gave birth twice & it wrecked her. So...

her DH has the instance of a saint!!

Does he know it’s reversible?!

Bloody wimp.
Ime you should have agreed he looked terrible. Insisted he went to bed.
And closed the door and forgot about him.

Men are ridiculous at times..
Both my exh's had it done and were fine the same evening..

He’s punishing you because you can’t magically turn off your ability to get pregnant.

Frankly if my partner acted like that the vasectomy would be a moot point as I’d be so far info the ick he’d never need worry again.

Tell him to man the fuck up. Jeez.

34! I’m surprised they did it.

That does sound really annoying. I barely remember DH having his and it was only a couple years ago. He certainly wasn’t like that. Your DH sounds like he’s being pretty pathetic tbh. Is he usually like this or is it just a one off not coping with this very well and generally a good guy otherwise? If it’s the latter I’d roll with it for now.

@MrsMorrisey I know quite a few men who had it mid 30s, DH included.

Oh good grief.

Are you my ickle extra special patient? My special best big brave boy? Are you?

He’s 34. Not 3.

So you have been looking after him for 24 hours? You sound hugely unsympathetic. The day or two after the surgery will be much more painful than the day of the surgery as the anaesthetic wears off. The surgery is in an extremely vulnerable place and he is likely feeling vulnerable. Then psychologically he has taken a huge step which might only now be hitting him. Imagine how you would be feeling if you had surgery that permanently ended your fertility- you might not find that something that you immediately come to terms with even if you wanted to and chose to do it. What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't look after each other especially when the other person has gone through surgery for the benefit of the relationship.

@bobthebuilder03

See i see this slightly differently. Both me and my partner have empathy and care for each other.
The way you are writing this, it sounds like you are p*ssed off historically by the way he acted with his teeth out, and then you do sound like you have an edge to you when describing his vasectomy and behaviour.

Has it only been 48 hours since friday?! Where is your empathy and care? Running up a flight of stairs 3 times to get him a few things annoys you? Really?
Why not get a load of things he needs in one go?! How did he manage when you were out the house and left him with ur 12 year old gaming? Did 12 year old help without complaint?

I know if I was unwell my partner would do everything to help and make me feel comfortable/loved. And I would do the same. Of course it can be wearing, but you dont show this in your tone or when you are helping them. Weve been ill at the same time, and the kids, even when feeling really miserable we all show care for each other.

Your post sounds like hes a burden, hes irritating you and you'd rather just crack on. You are well and fit and healthy yes? Whats a few days to cater for his needs?

I have no idea about vasectomy surgery, some people say its a lot, some people say its not. I gave birth without any painkillers naturally - i am a wuss as well! I had no idea how id cope with that experience. It doesnt make me any more of a person than a woman who needed all the drugs. It also doesnt mean if my partner is hurt id tell him to man up because ive given birth without pain relief and cracked on at home 2 days later as if i hadnt had a baby?! Some of the comments on here i just dont get.

I dont get the comparison, it just builds resentment. Clearly a vasectomy isn't the same as labour, but psychologically he may be suffering. Hes still quite young. Relationships can break down. Was he all for the surgery? Sounds like not. You are taking his brothers words to heart so I feel like this wasnt a joint decision where he was fully on board.

I get the contraception thing. I refuse to be on anything either. We use condoms and i know exactly when im ovulating and know when to avoid. If my partner suggested a vasectomy then id support him through the process fully, not make him feel like a burden.

My DH was sore for a few days post V. Thankfully recovery is quite quick. He needs to keep dosed up on pain meds ideally.
I think it’s fair to feel a little sad about loosing his fertility, even though it was planned. Myself and DH talked long and hard before making the decision even though we have three children, the last unplanned. I’d feel sad having my tubes tied. I think you are being a little harsh.

Just wanted to add that there are different kinds of surgery for a vasectomy so not everyone who has one is having the same surgery or the same experience.

It's only going to be a few days and as others have said make sure he has things he needs nearby so you don't need to keep going up and down, or could he rest in the living room in the day? The amount of pain can vary a lot so he really may be in a lot of pain and it's a very delicate thing for a man. Make sure he takes his painkillers and give it a bit of time. His brother is a twat, but if it makes him feel better they can often reverse the op.

I agree with this, my second was a breeze, I went home 6 hours later and we went on a day long trip to the farm the next day. First was awful, third I genuinely thought the pain would rip me in two.
Second was my biggest baby so prehaps that helped with the push? He was 8’9 others were 7…
Not to derail the thread..

😂 I don’t need to pretend to be a mean girl for internet randos. I actually like and appreciate my loved ones