“You are lucky to get £7”

[LemonadeCake]

I’ve been debating whether to just close my child maintenance claim altogether. My ex pays £7 a week and always has and realistically, it’s been years, he’s never going to get a job, so it’s not likely to change.

I mentioned this to someone and they told me I was “lucky” to even get £7 because they get nothing 🤦‍♀️

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit annoyed by that? Am I really supposed to feel grateful for £7 a week? It barely covers anything it might as well be nothing, and honestly sometimes I think I’d rather it was nothing than this token amount that makes no real difference but means he can say he “pays” for the children. Theres been times when I’ve got nothing due to him having debts that take priority but I’ve never once felt anyone else was lucky to receive maintenance for their children.

They then said their ex has the kids every other weekend so that’s why they don’t get anything… but if I’m honest, I’d rather have that arrangement. At least then you’ve got some time to yourself and a bit less day-to-day cost. But obviously that’s not something you can say out loud without it sounding awful but it’s ok to tell me I'm lucky?

Is the bar really this low now? 🤷‍♀️

Yeah because blaming the woman is always the way to go on this wretched board.

"You should have seen this coming OP before reproducing."

Wow.

£1.57 ? Bloody hell! How did he manage to hide and lie about bank accounts and get away with it? I wouldn’t have torn up the letter. I would have saved it to show his kids when they’re old enough to understand.

Yes @JacquesHarlow because in this wretched society it’s the woman who picks up all the pieces.

my dad contributed £8 a month.

He sounds vile!
They definitely should be made to work even if it’s voluntary work instead of getting handouts and pity. But alas, we live in soft touch Britain so it ain’t gonna happen.

I was in the 'never paid and saw the kids once a year' camp. AND he was working! Just avoided payment.

Don't close the claim. Yes, it's a joke, but should he win the lottery or have some other huge stroke of fortune at least you could then claim against his vast income. If you close it, I doubt you'd get anything (in the unlikely event!)

And £28 a month, put away for your DC if you can do without it, will pay for driving lessons or a nice 18th birthday gift.

They don't actually mean you are lucky. It's just a throw away comment. They are not lucky that their ex has them every other weekend. It disturbs their schedules interferes with clubs and friends and I my case exhausted them as they weren't fed properly or given a bedtime. I'd take it as 'were in this together ' type comment not a serious point of envy. £28 pcm is shit but it is better than nothing.

I really like the subscription idea above. My abusive fuckhead ex pays the same as yours (initially I wanted nothing from him and he wanted us "to starve" but changed his tune and agreed the amount with the child maintenance service the day before we went to court over a protection order so he'd look like slightly less of a monster) and, inspired by that poster, I'm going to think of our Who Gives a Crap toilet roll subscription as being funded by him from this day forward.

Maybe you could do the same, OP? Start a subscription (weirdly, I think ours actually is £28 a month) and let your children enjoy the cheerfully wrapped loo rolls while you enjoy not giving a crap as you all wipe your arses on his paltry contribution!

£7 a week from birth to 18 is over £6,000
nice to pass on to your child maybe?
although you don’t say how old they are!! It’s frustrating isn’t it. I’d just set up an account and put it away. Even if you use it for new school shoes once a year.

How are men allowed to get away with this?!

Same situation here. Self employed plumber apparently earning 3k a year. I get £28 per month. He's on and off benefits so there's about £600 arrears too. All the letters and recalculations they send me every few months must cost Cms more than he pays me. The service is absolutely dire.

There’s a race to the bottom thread, where people are asking why is there such a race to the bottom- that lady could be on one of those threads. You essentially get the same as she does and worse he probably tells people he pays without the details x

It's an insult OP but absolutely DON'T deny it your child when they're entitled to it. 28 a month is about £6000 by the time your child turns 18. Put it directly into a children's savings account and that could grow to almost £10000 by the time they're an adult. That might be the difference between them going to uni or not, setting up a small business, deposit on a house. You should be getting more absolutely but don't cut your child's your nose off to spite your face

It’s a turn of phrase. She didn’t literally mean you are lucky, she was saying ‘yes, it really is that shit. Heres my situation by comparison’!!

It is bloody hard work with never a break and £30/month is insulting- it’s not lucky at all.

I didn’t claim maintenance as I just didn’t want that ‘tie’ like you - I’m still glad of that decision decades later. Strangely, I was all for my own child claiming maintenance as the dad’s responsibility and totally believing they should do plus some benefit to the child.

So I suppose I think I agree with all these saying claim but I still wouldn’t change what I did - it’s not black/white and for me the ‘freedom/peace’ I felt and the ‘doing it myself’ were worth it, though I occasionally think I wish I’d felt differently and so had a tiny bit more for them, but I really couldn’t. So I completely understand why you don’t want it and whilst I think he should pay, and yes every little helps the kids, you might find a sense of peace and freedom from having to be reminded of his ridiculously minor input if you stop claiming too and that’s amazing.

I also did it solo without breaks - and that’s hard but I had a time of ‘contact’ early on and that too was bloody hard so that’s all swing and roundabouts as PPs have said, but they grow and one day it will have ‘gone so quickly’ and my kids now view women as capable and strong (though I really wasn’t lol).

Your friend doesn’t seem to see the shades of difficulties across all life, childrens’ upbringing, or that others have differing experiences/views, perhaps she is really struggling with money. But no nothing is ‘lucky’ for you about the deadbeat ex behaviour but you’ll be ok.

I would disagree with this take. If he's paying £7 per week then that means that he is on Universal Credit or some other similar benefit.

UC, for a person over the age of 25 without dependant children, is currently £400.14 per month or £92.34 per week. Plus, there will be a contribution towards rent (where I live it is £345 per month for those under 35 and £575 per month for those over 35).

Although the OP is being paid £7, it is likely that the father is being charged £8.40 per week (the extra amount is for them collecting it directly rather than him paying it). Although out of £92 that is only 9% it is still a substantial sum, leaving him with £83.94 per week (or £11.99 per day) to live on.

Well, thank god for Op then because ‘substantial sum’ (it isn’t) or not, it certainly isn’t going to fund raising his children is it? Nowhere even close.
Wow. So many dead beat dads shirking their responsibilities and relying on strong women to raise their children alone.

what an absolute disgrace, such a slap in the face. i love the idea of an album with a pic of half a haircut. there might be a way to get more or force him to work (excluding illness/disability), try a free consultation with a lawyer or going through the gp.

reminds me of an old joke

what do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

a man

i would donate £28 p/m to an animal charity and turn an insult into something positive, thinking of the help it would give. it doesn't have to be an animal charity, that's just what i would pick because animals are very close to my heart.

i really hope his circumstances change and he has to take a job. well done mama, you're doing amazing

We were the same as you and entitled to the £7 a week that is specified when the NRP is in receipt of benefits/not declaring their SE work. I actually refused the amount as ex thought it was hilarious that he only needed to pay that as thought that it would mean I would struggle. I’ve had the last laugh though and through sheer hard work have a great career, own my own home and have two amazing teens who want for nothing, with whom I have a fantastic relationship ♥️ Ex has no job still, lives with his Mum and hasn’t seen them for five years. People will always try to compare, I wouldn’t even engage in conversation about it. The moment I accepted I’d never have any time alone or help, things changed for the better.

No, I would keep the £7 per week. It only helps him if you don’t. I wouldn’t give it a second thought, I’d move it into a Christmas savings account & have the £350ish towards giving the kids a fab Christmas.

I get £6. I’m not grateful but by god, there’s no chance I’d take away that teeny tiny bit of responsibility towards raising his children. They can have a Freddo a day with that!

I like the idea of doing something with it, I'd be tempted to spend it on lottery tickets.

Yes £7 is not a lot, but the fact it is there means it can be increased.

It's also £364 a year. Maybe save it up and get something for the family.

How do you feel when you see the £7? Do you think of him? Will you think of the cruel "lucky" comment? Will you wish it was EOW?

if the thoughts are unhelpful it might be good to stop the payments just so you don't have that reminder or attachment to him.

I can’t imagine being the person who transfers precisely £7 a week to my ex’s bank account to ‘contribute’ towards our children and never a penny more! On benefits or not, what sort of parent could do that? I’m baffled by any parent who just pays the minimum CMS sets even, it’s never enough.

Don’t close the claim. Open a stocks and shares ISA, pay the money in every month and let it grow.