Fed up with friend's dog

[Sally20099]

I’m utterly fed up with one of my friends always bringing her dog to our house. Whether she’s dropping in for a 1hr coffee or her full family come around for a couple of hours she always brings her dog. Everyone knows I am not a dog person; it is not a secret. I have two cats who I have to lock away in another room as they are indoor cats, I have to move all the cat food and cat trays as well. They spend the entire time terrified of the barking and hide under the bed. The house is not decorated for dogs - expensive carpet throughout. The dog is left alone all day while they are at work / school and has a walker visit. It can wait on its own for a couple of hours if they go somewhere that isn’t set up for dogs and they aren’t welcome. I love their company and the our eldest is best friends with their daughter but I am sick of the complete lack of bother about my preferences on this. Im not asking them to leave their children at home, it’s a stupid dog FFS. I obviously could be explicit and say don’t bring your dog, but I know she will get really upset - she’s one of these people who think her dog should be able to go into any pub, hotel, park area etc. it’s driving me nuts that she’s so dismissive of my feelings and would rather inconvenience me over herself / dog.

Unfortunately it’s clear that your friend doesn’t hold the same beliefs as you, @Sally20099 - specifically, she doesn’t think she needs to ask before taking her dog to someone’s house. And unless you tell her clearly that the dog is not welcome, she will carry on bringing it with her.

I know you say you have said or done things which should have made her realise the dog isn’t welcome, but she obviously either hasn’t picked up on these clues or is wilfully ignoring them. Either way, your only recourse is to be blunt with her - firmly but politely say that her dog is no longer welcome at your house.

Manners means different things to everyone though.
You can't seriously expect everyone to have exactly the same values, manners and standards as you do. That's where boundaries come in and no one knows what your boundaries are unless you express them clearly.
As an example, many dog owners would find it bad manners to refer to their dogs as 'stupid', and expressed this clearly.
You may not agree.
People are all different when it comes to what they deem to be appropriate behaviour.
Some people don't want shoes worn in their homes, or people sitting on the arms of their sofa, or dogs on their furniture, or dogs in their house. Some people don't want to hear people swearing in their presence or putting their feet up on furniture.
For other people, this is perfectly acceptable behaviour.
These are just a few examples.
If you are going to go through life expecting other people to miraculously know what you are thinking and behave accordingly without you having to utter a word, you are going to come across similar situations over and over again.

Fwiw, I would find it very difficult to be friends with someone who wont speak up for themselves, because the mental energy it would consume to be constantly looking for micro signs that they are unhappy with something I have said or done, in the absence of them just saying something, would exhaust me.
Friendships shouldn't be this exhausting!

If you really feel you cannot speak up, then this is a you problem, and you need to address it before you drive people away with your resentment or isolate yourself by avoiding people who dont conform to your idea of what good manners are without you speaking a word.

If your stepson actually has a proper assistance dog ('therapy' dogs don't have any legal recognition in the UK, neither do 'emotional support' dogs etc) then the organisation/charity who trained the dog should have explored the family situation before agreeing to supply the dog. If the dog wasn't going to be welcomed in one of his parents' homes, they would have said no.

So legally it's likely to just be a pet, and you can hold your ground on that if you want to.

Even with real assistance dogs (ADs), there's no right of access to somebody else's private home. My daughter has a charity-trained AD and, although this means her dog can accompany her into public places that don't normally allow dogs, it doesn't mean she can expect to take the dog literally anywhere she likes. We have friends and family who have cats, and wouldn't dream of taking the dog to their home unless expressly invited to.

And this is a dog who was selected for the assistance dog programme because of a super calm temperament, she largely ignores our own cats and certainly doesn't bark at them, or chase them, or try to steal their food.

@Sally20099 tell your friend that, although you previously didn't mind the dog coming round, the cats are no longer coping and advice from the vet is that they should be protected from any and all dogs in their home environment. Therefore, sadly, you can no longer have her dog in the house. If the friend takes the hump at this, she is not really your friend.

I don't think the friend is quite that bad!

🤪🤣

No need to lie & embelush to such a degree.

she just needs to tell the truth & say it's too stressful for the cats £ she can no longer accommodate Fido. Happy to go to Fido's house if meet ejsewgere & the family is welcome as shears, except poor Fido.

There’s absolutely no way I would allow anyone to stress out my cat like you’re allowing in your own home!!

Yep exactly

Me too

Makes sense why OP has let her cats suffer

If you are not willing to use your words, of course she will continue to think it’s fine. Just say something! Blame it on the cats, if you need to.

Ok, you might have a point the first time but as you didn’t say anything, and never have, and actually clear the house to make it dog safe, she probably thinks you’re completely fine with it so she’ll continue to bring it forever. If you want a change you need to actually state it rather than wishing it will suddenly happen completely unprompted.

But how many times does it need saying??

Different people have different ideas of 'good manners'.

Granted, most of us 'weirdo' (🤣🤣) 'dog people' wouldn't take our dogs without them being invited or making sure it's ok at least. But your friend hasn't. It doesn't make her a bad person. Nor does picking up on your comments. (It might make her a bit dense, but not unloveable)

Stop expecting something from her that isn't going to happen. YOU are choosing to ruin your friendship & that of your daughter & hers

The Remedy is in YOUR control, you can CHOOSE to resolve thus issue or trash the relationship with your resentment? It's up to YOU.

Hahahaha.

Just search any thread about shoes inside and you will find that manners do not fit a universal standard and again people need to use their words.

Having the ability to tell someone how you feel kind of comes with the territory of being an adult. If you've said nothing you cannot be cross. You're right, she should have asked but you're wrong for staying quiet and stewing at home like one of those weird angry elves from Gringotts.

I used to have a friend who brought her daughter everywhere. After 3 times "I said I don't want to see your daughter she isn't my friend and we have no opportunity to chat when you bring her". She was fine with it because she's a well rounded individual. Sounds like the same cannot be said for you nor your friend.

You really should have nipped this in the bud ages ago. Why on earth is she bringing her dog to your house all the time knowing you have cats? You have facilitated this, so time to have the conversation. It’s your house who cares if she gets offended

Pop your big girl pants on and say no dogs, my cats get upset. Job done and on with your life.

I find the shoes inside thing so odd. Like obviously people have different feelings about it in their own home and some people don’t care if you wear shoes, but surely it is just good manners to offer to take off your shoes and have someone say “no worries” rather than just stamp about in your doc martens. I take my shoes off before I go into anyone’s home.

You had my sympathy until “stupid dog ffs”.

Ask her not to bring her dog if it bothers you. Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with referred to my dog/dogs as “stupid dogs” they are members of the family like I’m sure your cats are.

She was having a rant online, anonymously, not telling her friend that her dog was ‘stupid’ for goodness sake. I can’t believe the fuss some people are making about one comment!!

The fuss = questioning why someone’s blaming a dog for their inability to talk to their friend.

I obviously could be explicit and say don’t bring your dog
So do that then. Say it's causing distress to the cats. Suggest meeting at hers or in a coffee shop instead.

it’s driving me nuts that she’s so dismissive of my feelings and would rather inconvenience me over herself / dog
You haven't been clear enough. You've just dropped vague hints about it.

A lot of people felt the same so also have the right to a rant. It's not just the comment it's the underlying belief that all dog owners are inconsiderate. Ironically I haven't read a single post from dog owners defending the friend, they are all with OP, yet still people can't resist name calling, I mean some people only have one liners like dogs are smelly, I hate dogs or all the snowflakes are coming out. Anything to take a swipe at dogs and dog owners.

FWIW I cannot believe OPs friend is so insensitive that she can watch op locking her cats away and moving everything out of the way of the dog and she still doesnt get that the dog isnt welcome!

Rather than starting dog hating threads OP needs to spell it out, as this friend is clearly incapable of reading the room.

Or the OP might just think of her cats as cats like most normal people do and not get so needlessly offended on behalf of an animal 🙄🙄 you can love your pets, but they aren’t people, it’s not equivalent

I have a dog and am a total dog lover but I’d always ask before bringing him to someone else’s house. Especially as he is still a puppy in his head and doesn’t always know how to behave, and sometimes it’s nice to leave him at home for a few hours and have a break 😂
My friends have a relative that visits often with their dog who scent marks all over their house, he literally sprinkles everywhere and terrorises their dog and I can’t for the life of me understand why they don’t just tell them not to bring him. Just tell her OP, it’s strange that you haven’t.

I do agree that most dog owners are not like the OP’s friend. We’ve never had any dog owner try to do this; they know that we have 3 cats and my DH is allergic. My DSis and her family have a dog and if the dog is with them when they visit, he stays in the car.

I can understand that there are a lot of dog haters who love to tar all dog owners as ‘entitled’, when that isn’t the case all. That must be annoying to responsible dog owners.

So I’m definitely not agreeing with her about dog owners in general. But the ‘stupid dog’ comment was about the friend and her dog, not dog owners in general.

Ditto. You don't need to be a dog lover but Jesus.

It’s really not that offensive