Offering someone a tissue when they cry

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I always thought it was a sympathetic gesture but was told today that it can be seen as you saying "stop crying, clean yourself up"

How do you see it?

I always have a box on the corner 9f my desk. I’m not a councillor or anything, just the bosses PA. But I always make time for people to come and have a non judgemental chat and also assist hr and oh with promoting their wellbeing campaigns.

One of our cleaners recently lost her husband and she came back way too early I had to buy a new box after that.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in just being there with a shoulder and a tissue.

I see it as comfort, that they know you really dont want to snot all over yourself as that's far worse than crying.

I had never considered that offering a tissue was anything other than kind. I suppose tone could change that but I have never come across that situation.

I think sometimes everyone needs a bit of care they don't have to ask for.
Being tucked into bed when you're poorly and way past childhood, having the washing up or hoovering just done for you without asking when you've been up all night with a newborn, being quietly passed a tissue when you're crying. It's nice. I don't want to think that you must ask for care before you get it.

How do you know what will best help them? It might not be the tissue, and that is the point. A tissue might be what you would need, but it’s not what I would want. Sometimes I just want to messy cry and be allowed to be upset. You can be kind and help, but you don’t have to offer a tissue to do that.

@AmethystDeceiver , No one can be offended by a tissue Some people will be offended by anything.

Bless her little heart ❤️

As a manager in various roles and later a Welfare Rights Adviser I tried to keep a box of tissues on my desk.

What you are describing though is a parent / child experience. I don’t want that when I am upset. It’s ok if you do, but please don’t assume everyone does

I had a job where people sometimes got upset, we had a box always in the middle of our meeting room table permanently. That way they were available not offered.

Yep, that’s the best example have seen for some time of “no good deed goes unpunished”!
next people will say they’ve been bullied and shamed because they were offered a tissue when crying.

Why were they getting upset? Did you address that?

I'd interpret the permanent tissue box as a 'we expect to upset you.'

I’ve always noticed it at the doctors. I remember a doctor offered me the tissues when we were discussing my miscarriage is the first time I remember. Then therapist and other doctors. It always felt like it was part of their training. So offer a tissue as a gesture of helping/ kindness. It does depend on the who is doing the giving. People are ‘trained’ to do can come across as a bit automatic pilot’ rather than people who actually are able to show care and warmth in the giving. It’s easy to distinguish the two in my experience. Either way I get the tissue regardless … as it’s part of the training.

I have never heard this take on it but most people usually do want to stop crying if they have been overcome with emotion in public.

It is an act of kindness - who wants to sit with snot running down their face if there is an alternative?

I work in a job where people who come to see me often cry. I always offer a tissue, I don't make a big deal of it but gently push the box towards them while I say I am sorry for what they are going through or whatever is appropriate. They can choose to take it or not but most people don't want to be a mess of snot and tears when they are telling you their story. I think it gives them a bit of dignity instead of just leaving them. I've also been on the other side and been offered a tissue, never felt it was a negative gesture.

Like other posters I used to work in a place where people could be upset I always had a packet of tissues in my pocket.

FFS, the world is mad. I can't believe anyone in their right mind thinks it means shut up. Would you really not give someone that had tears and snot running down their face a tissue ? Bloody heartless loons.

I think offering someone a box of tissues (or one out of a packet) to take one if they'd like one is different from handing them a tissue to use.

The tissue is for nose wiping rather than tear drying, in my view.

Exactly! You can’t breathe well and the tears tickle/itch my face so it was uncomfortable. And most people find visible snot embarrassing! She also used to silently cry when I cried, which was offputting. I didn’t stick with her for very long

Because people used to come to us as first port of call with all manner of concerns. And sometimes we had to have difficult conversations with people as well.

We debated how it would look and felt it better for the box to always be there for any kind of meeting or training, rather than bring it in for some meetings or having to run out and get some.

Thanks. I was thinking of a personnel manager from way back when.

I have never seen it as this. Surely it's a kind gesture...?

Edited to say I misunderstood you sorry @Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar I see you agree that it's a kind gesture...

.

I remember being at a concert, tiny venue man and guitar and cabaret type seating at a table with another friend and another not known to me couple. I had had a recent bereavement and one of the songs caught me completely off guard and I started crying. I couldn’t leave because I’d have had to walk through the venue. The woman in couple passed me a tissue, very discretely. I was very glad, because I was embarrassed at being upset, with no way of wiping my tears. It was a kindness that I appreciated.

surely, like almost everything else, it's all in the delivery.
Same as someone saying 'Don't cry,' it could be meant to be comforting, or intended as 'for heaven's sake stop snivelling.'