Offering someone a tissue when they cry

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I always thought it was a sympathetic gesture but was told today that it can be seen as you saying "stop crying, clean yourself up"

How do you see it?

Oh that’s bad! I used to try to be polite but now I just say loudly ‘please take your hands off me’. That usually works!

I offer a tissue, as crying is one of the most vulnerable and exposing things you can do in front of another person (also: snotty) so I want to give them something they can use to feel a little more protected, if that makes sense, rather than forcing them to sit there with nose running and nothing to ‘shield’ them. It’s also a physical gesture to symbolise that you are offering support.

It's a bit of both. I sympathise but STFU.

I have been told the same in trauma informed practice training. But I hate the feeling of having a runny nose, so would always want them offered to me. I have a lot of people cry at work, so leave the box on the table if they want it.

My nose always runs so a tissue is always welcome. It also can provide screening, you can cover your face, or fiddle with it or something

Its a sad reflection of todays society where kind gestures are interpreted as disrespectful. This morning id gone into a shop, there was a woman a few steps behind and instead of letting the door swing shut on her, i paused to hold it open. A thanks would have been nice, but what i actually got was "i know how to open a door"

I hope at that point you stopped holding the door and let in shut in her face.

Isn't it the other way round? People's drama being inserted into the lives of strangers. And that's fine and unavoidable at times. And it's no bad thing that, on the whole, people are conditioned to respond sympathetically to that.

Exactly! The people bringing the drama are those bursting into tears in front of people rather than choosing to go to the toilet or somewhere private if they don’t want attention. Most places have a toilet you could go to to gather yourself if you are that furious about people trying to be kind and helpful! 🙄

For goodness sake, none of us actually want to deal with strangers or colleagues in tears. It’s not exactly fun for us either so the idea we want that kind of drama is ridiculous and absolute nonsense

I was on the recieving end of a tissue from a stranger and I was so grateful. Not for the tissue, but for the act of kindness. I was in the darkest place of my life and a stranger reached out to me in a tiny way. It's making me cry again now thinking about it.

(I was in the waiting area near the hospital entrance as DH went to fetch the car. I'd just been told I had breast cancer.)

Only a British person could think of experiencing a normal human emotion somewhere other than in a locked toilet cubicle constituted ‘drama’ and ‘attention seeking’.

You do realise crying is involuntary, right?

Blows my mind that anyone would see it as "stop crying" !!

Apparently it doesn’t matter. You’re an attention-seeking drama llama who should lock herself in the loo, breezily shouting ‘I’m fine!’ if anyone hears a sniffle.

Well, it hadn’t particularly occurred to me until I did a lot of therapy and realised I grew up in a family where emotions weren’t tolerated at all — the message from my parents from my early childhood was ‘Stop being visibly upset because it’s bothering us and stopping us getting on with whatever we were doing’. My job as eldest was to be ‘no bother’ by containing and suppressing any negative emotions.

I realised in my fifties that I’d only ever cried in the context of desperately trying to prevent myself crying, as though it was shameful. It was genuinely liberating to cry without trying to suppress it. Much less unpleasant, and passes off far faster than when you’re trying not to.

Seems like it! 🙄

Context is key.

Tissue shoved quickly at the person in an impatient manner/eye roll etc = stop crying you wuss

Tissue handed over and a quiet, softly toned "here love, take this" = you might find this useful instead of using your sleeve, which will get makeup on it

Nope! I am more than happy to comfort someone who is crying and in fact have done it multiple times.

I am referring to those people on this thread who say that offering a tissue or any comfort to a crying person is rude and intrusive and intentionally seeking out drama. If thats how you feel about people offering natural comfort or sympathy then yes, you should cry in private because people arent mind readers. If someone is trying to comfort you and you then get angry and pissy about it then yes, cry in private. Not sure whats so shocking about that

Yes I do. I am referring to this post here which states than anyone who dares to comfort a crying person is only do it for their own selfish benefit:

As I had said, it’s not always possible.
People are too willing to insert themselves into the ‘drama’ of strangers so they can go away and tell everyone how kind they were

Noone offering a tissue to someone who is crying is trying to "insert themselves into the drama"

sorry, editing to add the reason why I’m saying this. The kindness of strangers is important in my opinion. Hope you’re ok.

i was rushed to hospital and waited for my dp to get a wheel chair as I couldn’t walk. A man came over held my hand told me I’ll be ok. And waited with me. Normally I hate unwarranted touching but he did the right thing. Thank you whoever you were x

I probably wouldn't go up to random crying strangers and offer them a tissue, partly because I'm a hankie person and partly I see it as none of my business and giving them privacy. This is different to offering people I know/ who have come to consult me a tissue. If they don't want it fine.

Agreed, but you sounded pretty scathing about those who find themselves unable to hold back tears while in public.