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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

337 replies

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 25/03/2026 06:50

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

OP posts:
Holdmybeermoment · 25/03/2026 13:58

Gloriia · 25/03/2026 13:53

'I am raising two boys. I will never laugh in their face and say “how pathetic that you’re calling mummy” when they come to me as adults if they’re upset about something.'

No and that is great, we want men to talk about their feelings of course we do. However it would've been far more admirable if this 24yr old man had talked to his dm about his lack of confidence and inability to stand up for himself generally, rather than enduring the naked woman writhing all over him and only regretting it afterwards.

And there are many many things we wish younger people would do instead, whenever they’ve made a wrong choice.

I do not agree with what he did. I wouldn’t be with someone who had a lap dance or used a sex worker or any of that.

But, a 24 year old (and nowadays most 24 year olds don’t know their arse from
their elbow) who ended up in a difficult situation who made the wrong choice, then felt that huge emotion over it, and I imagine a big part of that discussion was around why he didn’t say no and about building confidence… we shouldn’t ever be saying “crying to mummy” as if he did something wrong in that part of the story.

We don’t know if it was 24 out with his mates or 24 out for his first proper job night out with men ranging from his age to their 50s, with a manager paying for the dance. Which wools be extremely difficult to stand up to.

My point isn’t about his behaviour at the club, it is about the use of the phrase “crying to mummy” when he realised and needed to talk about it. About his mistake. Which we want men to do.

Starlight1979 · 25/03/2026 14:03

Holdmybeermoment · 25/03/2026 13:49

And another one. Where in my posts did I say that a daughter can only call her mum upset when she has been raped or assaulted? I said uncomfortable situation. Women on here post all the time about their daughters calling in tears about something difficult at work!

Also noticed that 24 year old women are regarded as very young, and still learning. But a 24 year old man is a “grown man who should know better.”

And the only reason you want to act like this wasn’t posted in good faith is that it’s easier to say I’m wrong and fake than to examine your own bias.

My point is solely about the use of the phrase “calling mummy to cry” which no one on here as ever really said about a woman. Only about a man. The derision used because a man showed emotion. You cannot have it both way. You want men who behave better, who are emotionally intelligent and open? Then you need to stop using disgusting phrases like crying to mummy, regardless of the situation.

Edited
Show quote history

The "calling mummy to cry" about something genuine and upsetting is completely understandable. Male or female. Of any age.

In the situation that you describe though - and as @ThatArtfulStork says - it's quite frankly ridiculous.

He went to a strip club. He knew it was a strip club. He could have refused or turned and walked out. As it was, he "survived" the lap dance that he was forced into but then called his mum at 4am to tell her how upsetting it was for him as he thought the woman had been trafficked?! If he was that concerned about the women's wellbeing, he wouldn't have gone in to a strip club in the first place.

Not only that but your comment

he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men

Was the absolute cherry on the cake.

Maybe all these men were being forced into it too?! Or was it just your son who was honourable and had the women's best interests at heart? And all the other men were "disgusting"?

YorksMa · 25/03/2026 14:12

The fact that he's timing your showers and not allowing you to bathe is MUCH more worrying than having a lap dance possibly foisted on him on a stag night over a decade ago. You're worrying about the wrong thing.

Albanaus · 25/03/2026 14:13

Sashya · 25/03/2026 13:51

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters

Your post seem like you are massively resentful of you H - and this is a good excuse to explode and bring it all out. I am sure the intensity of you feelings is not only about a lap dance 12 years ago. There is a lot more to it all.

Probably some related to you H, but it also sounds like you as a family are having stressful time with money, etc.

No one is "blaming a woman" - when people on here say that it all happened years ago, and it's more important how he's been as a husband/father for the many years since. Your description does not scream - a terrible misogynist, btw.
Thinking someone on TV should not be wearing unflattering clothes, or possibly lose weight - is not unusual. We all do - just some say it, while others do not.

But again - your post, and the intensity of your sudden feelings have some other, deeper causes. I hope you pause and reflect a bit on what is really going on, rather that spinning out of control.

Nope. Pop psychobabble. Any normal woman would be absolutely fucking enraged if she found out her husband cheated on her with a stripper, no matter when it was, and lied about it for years.

She may well have other reasons to hate his guts, but this is a perfectly valid reason and most women would loathe him for it too.

Grammarninja · 25/03/2026 14:16

LeastOfMyWorries · 25/03/2026 10:19

My answer to this is changed by your other threads which I think are very important for context here- just leave him. It doesn't have to be for "one" reason, it looks to me like you have many.

What other threads? Could you send them on?

LeastOfMyWorries · 25/03/2026 14:17

Grammarninja · 25/03/2026 14:16

What other threads? Could you send them on?

Show quote history

I don't think we are allowed to are we? I'm sure i've read that somewhere

Gloriia · 25/03/2026 14:17

"he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men
Was the absolute cherry on the cake"

Yep and the realisation that he was one of them.

Thentulip · 25/03/2026 14:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Grammarninja · 25/03/2026 14:18

LeastOfMyWorries · 25/03/2026 14:17

I don't think we are allowed to are we? I'm sure i've read that somewhere

Show quote history

Oh okay, I've just seen it done so many times

ERthree · 25/03/2026 14:19

Whatthefork1 · 25/03/2026 10:47

Divorcing a man you have two children with for getting a lap dance 12 years ago on a stag do is ridiculous as a single statement, yes. But reading between the lines, I would assume there is much more to it than this.

So it was ok for to lie by omission and to take away her right to make an informed decision on continuing with the wedding?

Gloriia · 25/03/2026 14:19

LeastOfMyWorries · 25/03/2026 14:17

I don't think we are allowed to are we? I'm sure i've read that somewhere

Show quote history

No it would be a bit ott and unkind to link them here but we've all got AS so no idea why the pp doesn't just use that.

CatchTheWind1920 · 25/03/2026 14:34

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 25/03/2026 10:18

I didn’t mean to read and run. Our marriage is generally OK and he’s supportive but there’s still some issues.

He is now timing my showers and I’m not allowed to take any baths. This is a result of us being on heating oil and the spiralling costs.

On the whole, he does a lot for the family. He cooks all the evening meals, does most school pick ups and tries to be a good family man.

I’ve been trying to get him understand that he is not always an ally to women. He still makes comments about women on TV like ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that dress’ or ‘she needs to lose weight’ which I dislike, especially in front of the children.

The worst feeling of all though is that he doesn’t seem to care enough or put any effort in. No Mother’s Day card or gift.

I slept on the sofa last night. This all came out because friends were talking about stag dos and I asked him outright. At the time, he didn’t even tell me that they went to a strip club so it feels like there’s something more that he had to hide.

Yeah timing your showers and forbidding you to have baths is not normal.
Commenting on woman and their weight and what they should or shouldn't wear - also unacceptable.
Throw in the lap dance too, this is not a man I'd want to be with at all.

Pistachiocake · 25/03/2026 14:42

Friends who worked in pubs/clubs of a popular Stag/hen destination in the noughties say a lot of people did this. Don't know that makes it any better, but it is common. I don't like it, and I was disgusted to hear of the way some men (and women) treat the performers. I wouldn't want any man treating my daughter this way, or any woman treating my son as a piece of meat. Equally unacceptable.
But if he's not like this now, I would tend to let it go. Some people have felt pressured on their hen and stag dos, and that doesn't mean they're bad people. It means they did something a lot of people do-and I'd like to say it's getting better, and we're objectifying people less (sadly, it's not true, but what matters is if HE'S doing better).

nam3c4ang3 · 25/03/2026 14:45

from you last posts according to other posters - it looks like you have been looking for a way out of the marriage for a while, well - you seem to have come up with your smoking gun (whether or not we think its reasonable OR unreasonable - it doesnt matter) - this is the reason you can use to leave him.

JenniferBooth · 25/03/2026 14:47

Isit2026yet · 25/03/2026 07:08

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters why are you just finding out now. I’d let it go. It was a stag do. A lap dance is not cheating.

So the OPs DH would be ok with a male friend or neighbour popping over and doing a lap dance for her Not cheating right? Or are you one of those who only think its not cheating when money changes hands.

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 14:48

Pistachiocake · 25/03/2026 14:42

Friends who worked in pubs/clubs of a popular Stag/hen destination in the noughties say a lot of people did this. Don't know that makes it any better, but it is common. I don't like it, and I was disgusted to hear of the way some men (and women) treat the performers. I wouldn't want any man treating my daughter this way, or any woman treating my son as a piece of meat. Equally unacceptable.
But if he's not like this now, I would tend to let it go. Some people have felt pressured on their hen and stag dos, and that doesn't mean they're bad people. It means they did something a lot of people do-and I'd like to say it's getting better, and we're objectifying people less (sadly, it's not true, but what matters is if HE'S doing better).

He's worse.

pinboardwizard · 25/03/2026 14:55

WonkyMirror · 25/03/2026 12:15

My 24yo son had a lap dance a few weeks ago, he was out with friends and they bought it for him, he felt pressured. He said it was the most uncomfortable experience of his life, hated every second of it. He couldn’t get the idea that the poor woman had been trafficked and that she must’ve seriously hated him, out of his head. He will never do it again and he said he thinks less of blokes who get them and enjoy them, he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men and he left straight away and phoned me in his way home. I had to talk him out of his drunken slump at 4am.
So, although I’m upset he had one in the first place and I can’t understand why he felt pressured, he’s not usually the type to do anything he doesn’t want to, I’m happy he hated it and that he’ll not do it again. I certainly don’t think he’s a bad person for it. That said, at least he is single and not days away from getting married and his concern was not for himself, he worried about the woman.

Ah, poor boy.

He thought he was going to have a hot, erotic experience and was really looking forward to it, then reality hit when he was actually in there and the guilt kicked in.

What a saint, lucky you were on hand to comfort him.

numbfingers · 25/03/2026 14:59

I couldn’t look at him the same and it would be over for me.

Changename12 · 25/03/2026 15:05

OhDear111 · 25/03/2026 07:15

Not very classy is it? It’s what men did 50 years ago. Yuk.

No not all men did this 50 years ago. I would say it was probably about the same proportion as who do it today.
Years ago, stag night was a night in a pub with your friends.

Changename12 · 25/03/2026 15:09

WonkyMirror · 25/03/2026 12:15

My 24yo son had a lap dance a few weeks ago, he was out with friends and they bought it for him, he felt pressured. He said it was the most uncomfortable experience of his life, hated every second of it. He couldn’t get the idea that the poor woman had been trafficked and that she must’ve seriously hated him, out of his head. He will never do it again and he said he thinks less of blokes who get them and enjoy them, he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men and he left straight away and phoned me in his way home. I had to talk him out of his drunken slump at 4am.
So, although I’m upset he had one in the first place and I can’t understand why he felt pressured, he’s not usually the type to do anything he doesn’t want to, I’m happy he hated it and that he’ll not do it again. I certainly don’t think he’s a bad person for it. That said, at least he is single and not days away from getting married and his concern was not for himself, he worried about the woman.

Your son needs to change his friends if he wants to be a decent human being.

Thentulip · 25/03/2026 15:09

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Thentulip · 25/03/2026 15:10

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Isittimeformynapyet · 25/03/2026 15:14

Arosewithnothorns · 25/03/2026 10:49

So,you have a DH who by all accounts sounds like he is faithful, a good family man,does the school runs & cooks all the evening meals.You have found out that 10 years ago he participated in part of the evening which involved a lapdance. This has has caused you to think if you had known this you would never have married him.

My first thoughts were is this poster serious. I read on to find you are critical of him passing the ocassional comment regarding his thoughts on the appearance of some women on television & accuse him of being a mysoginist. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't walked out. An expression I've learned since joining mumsnet is one I've never used as it has never felt appropriate,that is until now. You need to give your head a wobble.

I really don't get this style of post. Why are you repeating the OP's posts back at her?

Do you want a prize for comprehension?