Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

337 replies

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 25/03/2026 06:50

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

OP posts:
ohtobethin · 25/03/2026 11:30

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to let it bother you this much this far down the line.

im not a “cool wife”. I don’t like it. DH had a lap dance on someone else stag do many years ago and I was upset.

But it’s just jealousy for me. It makes me uncomfortable (very uncomfortable) that he’s getting turned on by a naked woman writhing on him.

But I don’t see it as in anyway tarnishing how he views women. We have daughters. I just don’t really connect them.

Prostitution etc is different. I guess for two reasons, one is that he is literally buying a woman’s body to use. Secondly, the issue with trafficking etc and that generally women are not in a good place to be doing that.

my husbands lap dance was at a well known place where the girls are making a lot of money and very much doing it through choice. So yes, I’ll hated it, I was jealous, I was upset. But I didn’t think he was misogynistic or predatory or disgusting or not fit to be a dad of girls etc.

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 11:31

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 25/03/2026 10:18

I didn’t mean to read and run. Our marriage is generally OK and he’s supportive but there’s still some issues.

He is now timing my showers and I’m not allowed to take any baths. This is a result of us being on heating oil and the spiralling costs.

On the whole, he does a lot for the family. He cooks all the evening meals, does most school pick ups and tries to be a good family man.

I’ve been trying to get him understand that he is not always an ally to women. He still makes comments about women on TV like ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that dress’ or ‘she needs to lose weight’ which I dislike, especially in front of the children.

The worst feeling of all though is that he doesn’t seem to care enough or put any effort in. No Mother’s Day card or gift.

I slept on the sofa last night. This all came out because friends were talking about stag dos and I asked him outright. At the time, he didn’t even tell me that they went to a strip club so it feels like there’s something more that he had to hide.

How can you say your marriage is generally OK when you posted saying that he forced you into sex when you said no and Co erced you into oral sex. That's before the not washing and the racist comments - you said he gives you the ick. Your marriage is not OK on any level

outerspacepotato · 25/03/2026 11:31

He physically abuses your kids in front of you at meals by limiting their eating time to 20".

Your house is on fire. Fuck the curtains.

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 11:32

ohtobethin · 25/03/2026 11:30

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to let it bother you this much this far down the line.

im not a “cool wife”. I don’t like it. DH had a lap dance on someone else stag do many years ago and I was upset.

But it’s just jealousy for me. It makes me uncomfortable (very uncomfortable) that he’s getting turned on by a naked woman writhing on him.

But I don’t see it as in anyway tarnishing how he views women. We have daughters. I just don’t really connect them.

Prostitution etc is different. I guess for two reasons, one is that he is literally buying a woman’s body to use. Secondly, the issue with trafficking etc and that generally women are not in a good place to be doing that.

my husbands lap dance was at a well known place where the girls are making a lot of money and very much doing it through choice. So yes, I’ll hated it, I was jealous, I was upset. But I didn’t think he was misogynistic or predatory or disgusting or not fit to be a dad of girls etc.

He had a lap dance on someone else's stag do. Wow. How do you know the women are OK with it?

ThatArtfulStork · 25/03/2026 11:32

Commenting on the lap dance only, wouldn’t bother me. It was 12 years ago, on his stag do, might been pressure by friends etc. If he was getting lap dances every weekend - different thing. We had butlers in the buff at my hen do, terribly hypocritical to criticise a strip club on a stag do in my opinion.

P0loGirl · 25/03/2026 11:39

Yeah I would NOT be happy about this. Don’t think I’d end a marriage but there would be a lot of discussions had. The idea of another naked woman deliberately arousing my DP is very, very hurtful.

jcfmover · 25/03/2026 11:51

Your posting history would suggest that he's a vile man and you should leave him.
Him having a lap dance 12 years ago at his stag do is the least of your problems.

A lap dance at a stag do is not all that bad and I certainly wouldn't be that bothered by it as long as he'd never behaved like that and was a decent man.

But yours is an absolute piece of shit.

MySaintedAunt · 25/03/2026 11:55

It sounds like the icing on the cake for you, a final insult after years of mistreatment of you & your DCs.

I'd be divorcing tbh Life's too short.

YayItsMeAgain · 25/03/2026 11:56

Imo yes yabu, unless there was prior agreement between you that he categorically would not go to a strip club.

Being annoyed or upset about it is one thing, having it change the way you view your husband is another thing entirely.

He had a lapdance, not a fling. There would have been no physical contact. He didnt pay for sex.

He went out on his stag with his mates, had a few drinks, a lap dance, a good night and went home.

You dont have to like strip clubs but people do enjoy them and use them.

I also hate the hypocrisy in general around dancers and strip clubs.
How many women are more than happy to woop and holler at men getting their kit off and dancing for them, or having a butler in the buff?

Not a fuck given there, but suddenly when its women its unforgivable and degrading. Yes there are problems within that industry but there are also plenty of dancers that enjoy their work and why shouldn't they?

Its not shameful to dance for money if thats what you want to do, and men shouldn't be shamed for enjoying that within a safe, structured establishment that protects their employees.

ukathleticscoach · 25/03/2026 11:58

Plenty of women have these sorts of things at hen parties. Maybe not so much nowadays

Nearly all strip clubs have a strict no touch policy.

It was a stag do 10 years ago and better than going off to Ibiza for a weekend like people do nowadays. That would be a lot more worrying imo

You are being a bit idealistic and it could backfire

Sensiblesal · 25/03/2026 12:03

Internationalwomendayheadquarters · 25/03/2026 10:18

I didn’t mean to read and run. Our marriage is generally OK and he’s supportive but there’s still some issues.

He is now timing my showers and I’m not allowed to take any baths. This is a result of us being on heating oil and the spiralling costs.

On the whole, he does a lot for the family. He cooks all the evening meals, does most school pick ups and tries to be a good family man.

I’ve been trying to get him understand that he is not always an ally to women. He still makes comments about women on TV like ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that dress’ or ‘she needs to lose weight’ which I dislike, especially in front of the children.

The worst feeling of all though is that he doesn’t seem to care enough or put any effort in. No Mother’s Day card or gift.

I slept on the sofa last night. This all came out because friends were talking about stag dos and I asked him outright. At the time, he didn’t even tell me that they went to a strip club so it feels like there’s something more that he had to hide.

The issue here is not the strip club.

you clearly don’t like the man as a person & want out of the marriage

I wouldn’t class a lap dance as cheating if thats all it was but each to their own. Just leave if thats whats best but using something that happened 12yrs ago is silly when thats clearly not the issue its just the thing thats tipped you over the edge.

hope you choose better next time

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 25/03/2026 12:03

Luckyingame · 25/03/2026 10:49

F lapdances.
I hate men.
Married one three decades older, for "security".
At least he's decent.

I get the OP, especially with them having two daughters.
Makes my blood boil.

You married a man three decades older for security?

What does that mean? Where do you live?

Starlight1979 · 25/03/2026 12:05

jcfmover · 25/03/2026 11:51

Your posting history would suggest that he's a vile man and you should leave him.
Him having a lap dance 12 years ago at his stag do is the least of your problems.

A lap dance at a stag do is not all that bad and I certainly wouldn't be that bothered by it as long as he'd never behaved like that and was a decent man.

But yours is an absolute piece of shit.

This.

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 12:07

Sensiblesal · 25/03/2026 12:03

The issue here is not the strip club.

you clearly don’t like the man as a person & want out of the marriage

I wouldn’t class a lap dance as cheating if thats all it was but each to their own. Just leave if thats whats best but using something that happened 12yrs ago is silly when thats clearly not the issue its just the thing thats tipped you over the edge.

hope you choose better next time

Show quote history

He's a rapist. I don't blame her for not liking him

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 12:11

There are too many women who come on here saying - my husband is ok. I'm in a happy marriage - and then you go on other threads and they've posted that the husband is sexually abusing them.

There was a thread taken down a while ago - the poster was posting that her husband had raped her - but he was such a nice kind man etc. She couldn't see that it was rape - and she was repeatedly co erced and bullied into having sex when she didn't want to

The minute that someone abuses you sexually you really need to be making plans to get out of the marriage

Stop trying to convince yourself everything is OK when you know it's not

Starlight1979 · 25/03/2026 12:13

Our marriage is generally OK.

Well this isn't true at all is it OP?

You have made multiple threads about him previously including him hating "fat people" and constantly commenting on women's appearances, him timing how long the children take to eat their dinner so they end up forcing their food down, him never buying you a birthday present and worst of all, him raping you.

Some of these date back 3 years. And you're still here asking if him having a lap dance 12 years ago is an issue?!

WonkyMirror · 25/03/2026 12:15

My 24yo son had a lap dance a few weeks ago, he was out with friends and they bought it for him, he felt pressured. He said it was the most uncomfortable experience of his life, hated every second of it. He couldn’t get the idea that the poor woman had been trafficked and that she must’ve seriously hated him, out of his head. He will never do it again and he said he thinks less of blokes who get them and enjoy them, he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men and he left straight away and phoned me in his way home. I had to talk him out of his drunken slump at 4am.
So, although I’m upset he had one in the first place and I can’t understand why he felt pressured, he’s not usually the type to do anything he doesn’t want to, I’m happy he hated it and that he’ll not do it again. I certainly don’t think he’s a bad person for it. That said, at least he is single and not days away from getting married and his concern was not for himself, he worried about the woman.

Notmyreality · 25/03/2026 12:17

Wordsmithery · 25/03/2026 08:25

Try telling the very many trafficked/enslaved women in the UK sex industry that it's only a bit of fun.

Show quote history

They might be “very many” but they are still a small minority compared to the vast majority of UK sex workers doing it voluntarily.

Starlight1979 · 25/03/2026 12:19

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 12:07

He's a rapist. I don't blame her for not liking him

Show quote history

Well indeed but the poster you quoted probably hasn't gone and read the OPs other threads.

The lap dance is the least of her concerns.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 25/03/2026 12:22

What is your breaking point with this muppet? @Internationalwomendayheadquarters

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 12:22

WonkyMirror · 25/03/2026 12:15

My 24yo son had a lap dance a few weeks ago, he was out with friends and they bought it for him, he felt pressured. He said it was the most uncomfortable experience of his life, hated every second of it. He couldn’t get the idea that the poor woman had been trafficked and that she must’ve seriously hated him, out of his head. He will never do it again and he said he thinks less of blokes who get them and enjoy them, he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men and he left straight away and phoned me in his way home. I had to talk him out of his drunken slump at 4am.
So, although I’m upset he had one in the first place and I can’t understand why he felt pressured, he’s not usually the type to do anything he doesn’t want to, I’m happy he hated it and that he’ll not do it again. I certainly don’t think he’s a bad person for it. That said, at least he is single and not days away from getting married and his concern was not for himself, he worried about the woman.

He felt uncomfortable having the lap dance? Did he feel uncomfortable at being in the club as well?

NicknamesAreAPain · 25/03/2026 12:22

KatiePricesKnickers · 25/03/2026 07:12

All Stags going to a strip club are basically forced to receive a lap dance, paid out of the kitty.
There is no ‘No thanks’ as they are forced into a chair while their jeering mates watch on. Then it’s back to the beers and bantz while one or two of the pervs watch the stage shows.

Absolutely not true!

Maria971 · 25/03/2026 12:29

The feeling of disgust is completely reasonable; getting a lap dance (and are you sure that's all he got?) at a strip club is not a great start to a marriage. Especially given that he failed to tell you at the time (likely because he knew you wouldn't be happy, and rightly so). Why has he chosen to tell you now?

And also completely unnecessary and disrespectful to the future wife. But....you have children together and have been married for 12 years; how has behaved since then? Is he very doting and a great husband, or does he still make misogynistic comments and/or exhibit misogynistic behaviour?

I think you need to speak to him about this; just calmly ask him why he didn't tell you at the time, and what he thinks about it now.

ByBreezyUser · 25/03/2026 12:31

Maria971 · 25/03/2026 12:29

The feeling of disgust is completely reasonable; getting a lap dance (and are you sure that's all he got?) at a strip club is not a great start to a marriage. Especially given that he failed to tell you at the time (likely because he knew you wouldn't be happy, and rightly so). Why has he chosen to tell you now?

And also completely unnecessary and disrespectful to the future wife. But....you have children together and have been married for 12 years; how has behaved since then? Is he very doting and a great husband, or does he still make misogynistic comments and/or exhibit misogynistic behaviour?

I think you need to speak to him about this; just calmly ask him why he didn't tell you at the time, and what he thinks about it now.

Badly. Forced her into sex and oral sex. Doesn't wash. Is a racist and a misogynist. Gives her the ick. Times her showers and isn't pleasant to their kids

ThatArtfulStork · 25/03/2026 12:31

WonkyMirror · 25/03/2026 12:15

My 24yo son had a lap dance a few weeks ago, he was out with friends and they bought it for him, he felt pressured. He said it was the most uncomfortable experience of his life, hated every second of it. He couldn’t get the idea that the poor woman had been trafficked and that she must’ve seriously hated him, out of his head. He will never do it again and he said he thinks less of blokes who get them and enjoy them, he looked around the place and all he could see was disgusting horrid men and he left straight away and phoned me in his way home. I had to talk him out of his drunken slump at 4am.
So, although I’m upset he had one in the first place and I can’t understand why he felt pressured, he’s not usually the type to do anything he doesn’t want to, I’m happy he hated it and that he’ll not do it again. I certainly don’t think he’s a bad person for it. That said, at least he is single and not days away from getting married and his concern was not for himself, he worried about the woman.

Sorry, but 24 years old and phoning mummy at 4am claiming to be traumatised by a strip club that as others have said he could just have not gone to? Doesn’t sound like a well adjusted man to me.