AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

My (idiot, it must be said) ex got his brother a lap dance for his stag do. His brother flat out refused to participate, and my ex had to accept it as best man.

😂This is the best excuse I've ever heard!!! So his brother was allowed to decline but your poor ex was forced into it...? 😆

Would you ever say “rang her mummy to cry about it” if a daughter called her mum after being forced into an uncomfortable situation? Because no one seems to mind when adult women call their mum’s and get upset about something. But when men do it, they get this sexist shit “called his mummy to cry about it.”
I hope you think about that.

I went to the Moulin Rouge with DH, MIL and FIL when we were in Paris.

I wouldn't have gone to a strip club with them.

I meant chippendales, are they still around?

👏

Please do not equate a woman being forced into a situation with a 24yr old man willingly having a lapdance. I'd be ashamed too.

Would you ever say “rang her mummy to cry about it” if a daughter called her mum after being forced into an uncomfortable situation?

If the 24 year old female was at a strip club / watching Magic Mike / Chippendales whatever then yes.

If the 24 year old man was forced into having sex with someone against his will then no, I wouldn't say that and it would be a very serious situation.

As @Gloriia says, you're not comparing like for like there.

Yep. My husband has never been to a strip club and if he had I wouldn't have married him - definitely if it had been after we met, possibly depending on the circumstances if it had been before.

We've discussed it in the past and he thinks men who go to strippers are pathetic weirdos who can't get a woman, to him it is the ultimate in admitting you are loser scum - having to pay for sexual services from women who wouldn't touch you with a bargepole if you didn't. He has this normal human being thing going on where he has only ever had sex with women or sexual contact with women who were interested in him sexually and wanted to do so freely.

Which is, in fact, the norm no matter what the desperados of this site will claim.

Sometimes women who live in the gutter pretend to believe all men behave like this - they know it's not true of course, they just can't stand that some of us have decent husands and decent standards and it chaps their arses so much they mouth off a lot of minimising bollocks attempting to drag everyone into the gutter with them.

‘Butlers in the buff’ & Male Strippers

No Thanks 🤢

Both men and women can be forced into uncomfortable situations by their friends. Him being a man does not make him immune to peer pressure. But my comment is not about what he did/didn’t do. It’s the fact that whenever a man goes to his mum and gets upset about something, a mumsnetter will come along and say “oh, he called his mummy to cry, did he?” as if he is doing something wrong or pathetic by calling his mum when he’s upset. But it’s fine for women to do it?

You can’t have it both ways. If you want men to be more emotionally intelligent and open then they should freely be able to call their mum if they’re upset about something without being mocked by a group of middle aged women online.

I am raising two boys. I will never laugh in their face and say “how pathetic that you’re calling mummy” when they come to me as adults if they’re upset about something.

The attitude on this forum towards men who are actually doing what we all want men to do - be more emotionally open and intelligent- is disgusting. “Calling mummy to cry.” Fine me a comment of someone saying that about a woman.

No, your ex enjoyed a strange naked woman rubbing herself up and down him and could have chosen not to go or to leave at any time.

OP isn't keen on her husband lying through his teeth for their entire marriage about something he knew she would never have accepted, tricking her into marrying him (as she helpfully pointed out she wouldn't have done so had she known) and getting his rocks off with a strange naked woman he paid for.

Hope this helps.

I didn’t make any comparison. I simply said “uncomfortable situation.” That doesn’t mean rape, and women call their mum’s and cry over a lot more than just rape. It’s you and the other poster who decided that the only fair comparison is apparently rape. Why? That’s now what I said.

I said uncomfortable situation. No one on this site has ever, as far as I’ve seen, said “calling mummy to cry about it” when a daughter has been upset about anything at all. But a man does it? And look… everyone wants to call him pathetic mummy’s boy.

Just shows that women don’t actually want men to be more emotionally open.

I've actually never - and I do mean never - known any woman who has been to one of these sad affairs. I didn't know they were even still a thing. Closest any woman I have ever known has been to the sad idea of male strippers was that movie with Robert Carlyle (which was a great movie to be fair).

He’s 24 years old, he presumably knew he was going to strip club and agreed to go. He could’ve left and not gone. Left when they “forced” the poor little darling to get a lap dance.

This is nowhere near akin to someone being assaulted. This is someone who regrets a decision they’ve made. Waking another human being up (I presume) at 4am while drunk is a ridiculous thing to do. Learn your lesson and next time people you are with go to a strip club go home. Simple. Any 24 year old could’ve gone home and not gone. Running to mummy regardless of gender in this situation is ridiculous. Grow up.

Personally I don’t think this was posted genuinely, think it was a fake “look at my super feminist son” post.

How would it ever be possible for a man to do the due diligence to assure himself that the woman was definitely not trafficked and that his money would be buying a child a bike?
And if he wanted to consider himself a decent type because he'd helped keep a woman in work and children in bikes, then there's plenty of women led businesses that employ women to do all sorts of things that don't involve sex work. Any man tried that justification on me I'd be telling him to save his money and spend it on female owned mainstream businesses instead.

He times how long you're in the shower? Bloody hell.

That is not in her OP.
That is not a development it is a completely different situation.
The LapDance had nothing to do with anything else that he has done.

And another one. Where in my posts did I say that a daughter can only call her mum upset when she has been raped or assaulted? I said uncomfortable situation. Women on here post all the time about their daughters calling in tears about something difficult at work!

Also noticed that 24 year old women are regarded as very young, and still learning. But a 24 year old man is a “grown man who should know better.”

And the only reason you want to act like this wasn’t posted in good faith is that it’s easier to say I’m wrong and fake than to examine your own bias.

My point is solely about the use of the phrase “calling mummy to cry” which no one on here as ever really said about a woman. Only about a man. The derision used because a man showed emotion. You cannot have it both way. You want men who behave better, who are emotionally intelligent and open? Then you need to stop using disgusting phrases like crying to mummy, regardless of the situation.

She might not have married him if he had told her about the lap dance

I think she's trying to pretend that lying about using strippers is not also abusive and part of a pattern of abuse - but it is of course.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters

Your post seem like you are massively resentful of you H - and this is a good excuse to explode and bring it all out. I am sure the intensity of you feelings is not only about a lap dance 12 years ago. There is a lot more to it all.

Probably some related to you H, but it also sounds like you as a family are having stressful time with money, etc.

No one is "blaming a woman" - when people on here say that it all happened years ago, and it's more important how he's been as a husband/father for the many years since. Your description does not scream - a terrible misogynist, btw.
Thinking someone on TV should not be wearing unflattering clothes, or possibly lose weight - is not unusual. We all do - just some say it, while others do not.

But again - your post, and the intensity of your sudden feelings have some other, deeper causes. I hope you pause and reflect a bit on what is really going on, rather that spinning out of control.

'I am raising two boys. I will never laugh in their face and say “how pathetic that you’re calling mummy” when they come to me as adults if they’re upset about something.'

No and that is great, we want men to talk about their feelings of course we do. However it would've been far more admirable if this 24yr old man had talked to his dm about his lack of confidence and inability to stand up for himself generally, rather than enduring the naked woman writhing all over him and only regretting it afterwards.

I wouldn't like it, it was a long time ago, a lot of the time it's their childish mates who organise the stag.
Its pathetic. Guilty not rtft.
He needs to be arrested.

Fair enough, I retract the word assaulted and replace with your “uncomfortable situation” phrasing.

A 24 year old daughter phoning her mum at 4am over something trivial like this would be equally pathetic in my opinion. Talking to about the next day? Different. Phoning at 4am like it’s an emergency situation is the bit I think is problematic. And also why I don’t think the post was genuine.