AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

He was forcibly forced into it. Is pretty awkward to avoid that sort of situation on your stag do. I certainly wouldn't be considering ending my marriage if my wife had a butler in the buff type scenario on her hen night.

Forcibly forced? Is that more forcing that just forced?

A butler in the buff is no comparison as I'm sure you well know.

Anyway, if you read the thread you'll see the ops dh is a shit in many others areas too.

I'd be far more comfortable with getting up and leaving than I would be with staying.

Exactly. Sadly many men are weak and pathetic as we've seen evidenced on this very thread.

It sounds like finding out has just confirmed what you have probably suspected all these years.
Your values don’t align OP.
Of course it is sad for a family to break up but it’s your only time on this planet, your only life.
You could live alone with your dd’s and have long hot baths and never have to listen to his shite ever again.

Grim. I’d never heard it before he did it. What a thing to say to your girlfriend!

Leaving do from work - not hen do.

What company do you work for - Anne Summers ? !

Nope - twas all very mundane and boring.

Is it worth that much pain for your kids?

It's possible, but unlikely knowing him. It's much more likely that he specifically booked the stripper to embarrass his brother and was acutely embarrassed himself. He expected his brother to be embarrassed but tolerate it rather than make a scene, and it made him feel publicly criticised that his brother was more principled and stood by them. (He often belittled people in these 'just a joke' small ways, but couldn't bear the slightest criticism himself). If he'd have left it would have caused a scene and publicly exposed him as a hypocrite and he preferred to endure and rant at me privately. He was a pretty shitty (and obviously hypocritical) guy.

Which isn't to say the OP's husband is a shitty guy for having a lapdance. He's a shitty guy for lying about it because he knew she would make different decisions for herself if she knew, and he wanted her to make that choice that he preferred. But not enough not to do it. So he controlled her choice through the information he allowed her to have. That's controlling and manipulative and rarely a one off. It sounds like he's still the same, and she's finding that out, and this is her way into realising he's not who he pretended to be (men are very adept at this. It's horrible)

OP, I haven't read everything, but he sounds awful. It doesn't matter which of his controlling behaviours feel worst to you, or if other people don't see them all as controlling to the same degree. How you make sense of abuse is a personal journeyl. All that matters is that he is abusive and won't change. Please get some outside help and support from Women's aid, and be as discreet as possible. He isn't a good man who's trying his best and slipping up now and again. He's exploiting your partnership for his own gain because he can and he likes it. And when he finds out you're taking that away, he will escalate and he might hurt you. Because he really believes you should not be allowed to do that to him. Please get help. (Ask me how I know!)

Was this a male-dominated company?

You sound a bit 'much'. Tbh I was surprised by the support coming your way (but this is MN). Times have changed, who is still judging women for lapdancing? Really? And what is it that makes you think having someone sat on your lap is cheating? Any chance you're looking for an excuse to leave him? You don't need one. Just leave. No need to try and make him and others feel ashamed for enjoying being around naked ladies.

It's 2026. Can people lighten up with the 'one person must fulfil every need forever' horse manure we have been fed since childhood - we're not princesses, we're not precious, dainty little flowers. We are grown women who should be out having fun, not whinging about a man we kept chained up in our house for too long, having a bloody lapdance TWELVE years ago. Go out and get your own lapdances! You might enjoy it!

Thank God you're here. We've been waiting.

The thread died three months ago. It’s time to let it go.

Agree. I've been to stag dos which are activities like paint balling, arcades, laser quest, escape rooms etc and the stags wouldn't touch a strip club with a barge pole

I didn't even check that. Just browsing links. Not sure there is a deadline on people getting enlightened anyway.

Ahaha

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters not allowed to have a bath ?? Fuck that.
no Mother’s Day card ? He sounds like a twat.
I haven’t read your other threads but from what others have said it sounds like you’re not happy.

Actually I have just read some of your other threads @Internationalwomendayheadquarters. Nearly a year since the list of faults. Why are you still there and why are you still inflicting him on your children?

Enlightened?

We really have been waiting.

A butler might or might not be comparable.

Its its just a novelty drinks server,. then its tame enough, but then the women woll increasingly grope and paw him as the drink flows.

But of course the Butlers can play "games" too, such as foreplay (where a blindfolded women gets to rub her hands all over him, ostensibly trying to find a sticker on his body) or body shots, where the women will lick his body and suck lime from his lips ("kissing").

I would class this stuff - intimate contact, groping etc - as much more "extreme" than simply watching an erotic dance.

Women always pass off butlers are something wholly innocent, but they can actually be quite extreme, if thats whats desired.

P*ssed up women on a hen do are usually looking for more than someone to hand out drinks.

Oh, there's always one.