TW: I think my husband raped me last night. Can someone help me make sense of it?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH is currently grieving his mother and is going through a really tough time.

Last night he wanted sex and I didn’t. Now I feel confused about what happened. He didn’t force me like what happens in the movies and pin me down etc. He used foreplay and tried to get me ready. But I never really felt ready and I was dry and he just did it. Is this rape or is this just a man who wanted it more than a woman and normal?

Oh you poor poor thing. You didn’t want it and that trumps everything and he knew that at well. At the point you said no he should have stopped.

He knew you didn’t want to and still persisted so yes that’s rape. Hope you are ok ❤️

if you didn't want it, told him no, and he carried on regardless, then yes, it's rape.

even coercion is rape... that point of basically harassing you into 'giving in'.

please be kind to yourself today <3

It's very wrong but only you know how adamantly you were telling him .
I know a lot of women will be sucking their breath on that comment but personally I've said didn't really think I wanted to but he kept encouraging it and it ended up being consensual .
But if course if you were making all the signs that no is no then yes it was rape .
What happened straight after , or even during ?
I hope you are ok , and how are things today ?

He knew you didn't want to and went ahead anyway, there's no excuse for that and no, it's not normal in a relationship. His grief doesnt explain or justify that.
Sorry OP, I hope you're doing OK.

So in your relationship you have managed to make it ok that your no doesnt mean no and that encouraging you and wearing you down until you say yes means that is true for everyone else

they may be your boundaries and agreement in your relationship but that doesn’t mean it was here.

no means no in all contexts

Straight after, I felt a bit used and went to bed. It was nearly midnight and I get up at 6, so I just wanted sleep. He knew I was upset. We haven’t talked about it today but I just feel confused now.

I know if I challenge him about what happened, he’ll try and minimise it. He coerced me into giving him oral sex a few months ago when I really didn’t want to. I really want some space from him now but I feel as though I can’t do anything serious right now as he’s just lost a parent and the funeral hasn’t even happened yet.

You see, that’s the issue: it wasn’t a violent sexual assault or anything, but he knew I didn’t want it and he could feel how I felt. A bit of me thinks that he’s lost respect for me and my body.

He doesn't look very organised respect you. Just because he's grieving doesn't give him a rape licence. If you do nothing now he'll just do it again. I'd have told him to stop or I was calling the police.

At the end of the day, if you feel uncomfortable about what happened then that’s enough. You don’t need to justify it to anyone.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters it does t have to be violent - at some point he has ceased seeing you as a person who can say no and grief is not an excuse for that.

so if he does minimise can yuh make it clear that for you or crossed a very huge line you aren’t sure you can come back from

Well this update does change things. To the first post I could possibly have thought that OK, maybe he was a bit too self-absorbed due to his grief issues etc., and wasn't really engaging with your feelings. It was wrong but maybe a grey area and if he showed understanding and expressed remorse, ultimately forgiveable.

When you add about previously coercing you it's not an out of character aberration, it's an unpleasant and disturbing pattern of behaviour. Time to get out of this relationship.

You can leave him now despite him loosing a parent. He raped you which trumps that. Hope you’re ok - do you have children?

No I'm simply saying we was not there so don't really know the situation.
I'm not minimising the situation , I asked a few more questions to the op who answered with more info ( and didn't take any offence ) as offence wasn't intended .
Her reply tells me he comes across as someone who is more forceful , and she correctly wary of his intention .
Furthermore in my situation I was saying my actions were obviously more of a yes/no thing and my dh picked up on that and I was easily swayed .
When in a 50/50 type give / take relationship you learn to read your partner's thoughts feelings and of course a firm no is acted upon.
Fyi I have been with my partner 25+ years and we know each other inside / out.

I know that this is an option for me. But how I would do that right now seems impossible.

Yes, we have 3 small children (youngest is nearly 5).

I do feel a bit upset about it tbh. I also don’t have anyone to talk about it to in real life.

I really feel for you - sending strength

Thank you x

OP this is horrible to read. I'm so sorry.

Have you thought about calling RapeCrisis?

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

It sounds like you may benefit from some outside support, and maybe a bit of space to think about your relationship, how it is overall.

Something similar happened to me after my first child 15 years ago. Very similar except I was initially consenting but couldn't get wet because I was still BF, I said stop I'm not ready and he said it's okay and entered me anyway which was painful. I've never been able to enjoy sex with him since. We spoke and he hasn't done it again. I stayed but it ruined our sex life permanently. I think you might like to see a counsellor? I wish I had.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It doesn't have to be a violent encounter for it to be classed as rape. If you didn't consent then it is a sexual assault, and it's not something you have to accept just because he's grieving. I agree with the poster that speaking to a counsellor is a good call. If needed, there is a crisis team the NHS has that may get you in touch with a professional sooner.