AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

Totally agree.

Drip feeds on threads are bad enough (often made worse by those yelling at other posters for not having read all the comments on every one of the 20 odd pages of a thread).

People attacking other’s comments because we haven’t searched for other threads by the poster that they’ve put up during their time on MN is ridiculous.

Someone asks a question, asking for a response, people should be able to respond to that question based upon the information provided without needing to do due diligence and researching everything that poster has ever written.

But honestly it’s easy to read all the posts from the OP, just press ‘see all’. Of course there will be updates! I get sick of the ‘drip feed’ accusations. It leads to ridiculously long OPs ‘so as not to drip feed’.

I agree with you about previous threads being brought up. I’ve never bothered to do advanced searches of OPs’ history.

It’s fine, (annoying) and probably sensible to read all of what a poster writes on a thread to check for drip feeds. But with this, people are referring to things the poster has written on entirely different threads. Are you suggesting that before anyone comments of any post we should first do an ‘advanced search’ by user name and look back on everything they have ever posted on Mums Net during their entire time using it?

No, I said myself that I don’t search for previous threads. It’s often used as a form of bullying, to score cheap points.

Given all his other day to day opression of the OP and the children. a lap dance over a decade ago seems to be neither here nor there. He is going to get worse, they always do.

Agree. But in the case of this thread that’s exactly what’s happening: people are having their comments attacked by others, not because of a slow drip feed, but because they don’t know the OP’s entire history as set out in (what sounds like many and varied) previous posts. That’s all my point is.

Drip feeds on threads are bad enough (often made worse by those yelling at other posters for not having read all the comments on every one of the 20 odd pages of a thread).

This is specifically what I was commenting on. I clearly agreed with you about previous threads, which I also never bother to do.

Ah, I didn’t mean complaining they hadn’t read all the OPs comments. Reading those is sensible and reasonable, I meant people who complain when someone posts without reading all the comments by everyone on a post. Along the lines of, ‘did you not see x pointed out earlier that the OP had actually said Y in a completely different post?!’

@Cosimarocks Ok, we’re talking at cross purposes and actually completely agree with each other. Better to stop derailing the thread?

Oh my goodness OP i've seen your other threads.
Seems like it's a pity you didn't find out about the lap dance at the time and call th ewedding off.
I totally agree with you though that just because it happened years ago doesn't make any less of a betrayal of you and I wouldnt be able to get past knowing he did this.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters Are you really willing to wipe the arse of this prick in his old age?

He forced sex when you were sedated
He restricts the time your daughters are permitted to eat their food
He monitors your shower time
He doesn't shower and leaves streaks on your sheets.
He vocalises his racist views to you and your children.
And you are still with him,

But last night you found out he visited a strip club 12 years ago on a stag night and this has disgusted so much that it has destroyed your marriage (your words).

I suppose everyone has a final straw, but this is definitely an unusual one consider what he has been like during your marriage.
Leave him.

Dear Lord, that is a shocking list.
The lap dance is the least of it.
Bloody hell.
Those poor children.

This is silly. There's nothing wrong with lapdancers, they are earning their living. You all can be very childish and prudish on here. Your husband having a lap dance doesn't mean he disrespects women. Those women are choosing to dance and have their own respect for themselves. You are the one disrespecting them, looking down your nose, and being very judgmental. I imagine life is quite boring when you're so very vanilla.

I attended a hen do - There was a male stripper. We all did artistic drawings of his cock, danced with him, pulled poses with him, and we also then did portraits of said poses. You know what happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My husband laughed his head off when I told him, as did the husband's of the other women.

We all have children. There were over 20 women there.

The stripper went back to his day job and his wife.

We all went back to our jobs and live healthy lifestyles.

These threads are so very boring. I just imagine people sat at their keyboards, dabbing their noses with their 'naice' M&S hankies.

Can you imagine the divorce papers? Husband divorced over lapdance on boys night out because he has daughters. Very uptight. Don't destroy your children's stability over something so pointless.

Maybe you could read her other threads. He's raped her and he treats her and her kids poorly. He times her showers. He doesn't wash. He's a racist and he makes misogynistic comments about random women

Imagine calling someone vanilla who is being abused by her husband. Wow.

Honestly I would have to let it go now BUT he has to know that had you known before the wedding it might have been a different story and you wish you didnt know. He made a mistake and, at the time, he may have been cajoled or not thinking clearly. If he is a good husband in every other way I dont think its worth breaking the family up over it.

Have you read her other threads. Clearly not

No i havent. Dont know how to do that but I will find out. I did say if he is a good husband in every other way.....sounds like he isn't......!!

They are linked above

her dh is a controlling abusive rapist

he can choose to have a lap dance and you can choose to go off him forever

He raped her. Did you miss that part?

Urgh, poor you. Horrible. On Pistonheads threads about strip clubs that expression is often used : grim.

https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1506983#:~:text=Seems%20a%20bit%20like%20going,Wednesday%2029th%20April%202015

https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1182658#:~:text=Seems%20a%20bit%20like%20a,Genuine%20question%2C%20what's%20the%20point?

Sorry, you had a female stripper at your hen do? Why?

😮