To share my list of things wrong with my DH - feel free to share yours!

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

I know I’m not perfect but I’m not sure if I can stay married any longer. Here are some things my DH does that I can’t stand.

1. He told me that he doesn’t want to donate to the RNLI any more as they are picking up migrants in small boats.
2. Told me he hates women’s football.
3. Constantly makes comments about women’s appearance, either while out and about or on TV. This is in front of our two girls and I don’t want them hearing it.
4. Has not made me orgasm in over 2 years as I’ve got the ick.
5. Leaves all our bed sheets yellow all the time as he can’t be bothered to shower more than twice a week. (Has the gross oily back of the head thing that men over 50 get)
6. Times how long the children have for dinner so that they end up forcing their food and have got indigestion once from it.
7. He’s 14 years older than me. He just doesn’t have the positivity any more that he used to. We’ve just been away with friends and he basically didn’t stop moaning the whole time.
8. Never buys a gift for my birthday or anniversary.

What should I do? We started off having a lot in common but now he is more right wing and quite frankly I find his views insufferable and they have really changed the way I feel about him.

He sounds a disgusting disrespectful man. Please for your sake and your children divorce this man.
You will be much happier in the long run. We only have one life, please don't waste it on this man.

Just timing the children eating dinner would do it.

I presume you all tell him to do one? I mean there are 3 of you and one of him, don't you just say you are welcome to leave the table if you have finished?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, his behaviour is really bad at times. He’s so disrespectful towards me and the family.

No I don’t actually. He has this massive thing about children having to eat their meals within 20 minutes. It’s just not realistic with small children and it just puts pressure on everyone. Meal times are horrible. He also sometimes makes them eat in silence.

Why are you still with this man? Why are you allowing him to disrupt your children’s relationship with food?

Get rid. Your older self will thank you.

EWWWW

i'm not a LTB kind of mumsnetter but please leave this guy

The timed eating is horrific. He's clearly a misogynistic prick, but you can't be passive with his behaviour towards the children.
Please seek out advice on leaving this relationship carefully. Do you have access to money?

I think I find navigating this very hard because my own father was exactly the same. In fact he was much worse as he was physically abusive. So I look at his behaviour and I don’t know whether it’s reasonable or not compared to my own upbringing and I also don’t feel confident in standing up to it if that makes sense.

It's not reasonable at all

So he's a soap dodger, tight arse and using cohesive control om the children?

How big is your patio?

LTB

@Lucelady you’ve made me really laugh out loud. I’ve actually got quite a big patio, possibly not big enough for his ego though.

You can have my very first ‘LTB.’

and I’ve been here for over 20 years.

He is disgusting!! I bet your DD are secretly hoping you leave him! Talk about pushing them down a road of eating issues and concerns.

You either stand up to him (if you are able and safe to do so) and tell him you won’t be tolerating his fucking lunacy and you won’t be having sex again with him until he showers every day, or you leave. Your girls are at risk of seeing this as okay and normal - he is controlling and nasty- his ideas about women are just awful and hateful - how on earth have you stayed for so long? Please leave you will feel so much better and so will your DDs.

just because it’s not as bad as the way your dad treated you, doesn’t mean it’s ok. It’s not good. Eating should be a time for chat and discussion.

This is setting up a whole world of potentially serious issues with food and eating in the future.

Where on earth has he got this 20 minute.idea from??

He is actively damaging your children.

No it's not normal just because he's not physically abusive.

Please start to make steps to leave him, for you and your children 💐

.'m so sorry you had an abusive childhood. I can understand you feel your children's is better than you had. But no matter how hard you try to protect them, they're living in an environment that is setting them up for a lifetime of damage.

You can break the cycle. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to access help from the likes of Women's Aid.

Your DH is being a bit of a dick. The timing meals would have ended it for me. Here's my list.

• has a complete inability to close cupboard doors behind him (?) I bang my head all the time.
• he is colourblind - absolutely not his fault but I am sick of having to tell him the kids have odd socks on.
• he really struggles to recycle. I am very arsy about recycling and it grinds on me.
• He has poor short term memory, so if I told him there is temporary traffic lights on x Road just as we leave, he will forget and we end up stuck in traffic.
• he forgets what he's saying and instead of saying 'baby needs fed' he'll say 'mumofsoontobe3 I need boobs for the baby' out of complete brain fog (we have a newborn), our older child now says mum can you sort the baby with your boobies? 😂
• lack of organisation. Can't cope in a cluttered or messy environment but fails to tidy up after himself.

My H is a royal pain in the arse but his flaws are nothing on how wonderful he is. I have threatened divorce gotten myself really worked up about some minor things but generally they are no big deal.

This is horrific and very strange. Very likely to have a lasting impact upon your children’s relationship with food. To the divorce lawyer you go!

Damn.. my list is a bit different

• Wears ugly old man slippers even though he’s only 27.
• Likes his beer room temperature.
• Has a weird phobia of stickers, which is all well and good but he literally winces when one of the kids wants to show him the sticker they got at school.

If he had even one of the flaws you listed, I would leave him. I don’t think I would have married him.

Have you tried talking to him ? 🤔

I was bullied as a child by two siblings and a lot of it was around food. I had to eat at break nect speed or my food would be interfered with. It was disgusting. After my mother died I got very fat as I could eat in peace. I'm still a bit weird around food.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters I'm so glad I made you laugh OP.
I wouldn't fancy your DH either and I was a bit of a slapper in my time!

Have you money of your own? I do worry the impact misogyny has on young girls.
Both my late father and husband are lovely. I know I'm lucky but so is the DH.
You do need to think this through properly. Can you access some legal advice?
Life can be very short (I got a horrible diagnosis in January). The question is do you want to spend another twenty years with Putrid Pete? Would you wipe his bum if he was dying?

I think I’d be able to live with that list!

Yes, if I met my DH for the first time now, there’s no way that I’d be interested. I guess I assumed everyone ended up feeling like that about marriage.

He sounds extremely unhappy in himself and he has to want to change. Whatever he’s going through though, does not excuse this disgusting behaviour.

He only showers twice a week….😷

He needs jolting into action and you might need to tell him you’re separating before he finally realises.

I’m going to get some legal advice I think.

I know I’ll feel like I’ve failed though, and I worry about the impact on my children (youngest is only 5) and they will end up spending more time with him but without me around to stand up for them.