AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

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My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

I (straight female) had a lap dance at a friend's birthday. It was hilarious and we were told off for giggling so much by the dancer. Did nothing for me sexually but god I admire those women and how flexible they are. They can also earn a lot of money and if they are working in the right establishment are very well looked after. I see them as smart women who know how to capitalise on their assets. Did he go to a club with a good reputation? Or a seedy back alley place with exploited women? That would be my only question.

Would you feel the same if he had gone to a burlesque show?

Yay go you, how cool!

Doubt ops husband would come away from a burlesque show with fanny trails all over him and had nipples stroked across his face (at the absolute least)

"He is now timing my showers and I’m not allowed to take any baths. This is a result of us being on heating oil and the spiralling costs."

Wait, who the fuck does this? He sounds like an absolute controlling dick. This is the red flag, not the fact he had a lap dance at a mate's stag do ffs.

He has raped her, emotionally abused her and her daughters. Harmless indeed 🙄

Exactly this

My (idiot, it must be said) ex got his brother a lap dance for his stag do. His brother flat out refused to participate, and my ex had to accept it as best man. He was furious with his brother and mortified with embarrassment himself. He was also furious with the dancer, who refused to be complicit in forcing her services on the stag. And he never once had the tiniest bit of insight into why that made him a complete twat. I can't really understand how they grew up so different!

OP, what about it bothers you? If my definitely not trafficked or drug addicted or from a broken home friend had done his lap dance and bought her kid a bike with the money, would you be OK with that? She might have. She's been working in clubs that long. (She is also the most feminist, principled, together woman I have ever known. While there some very vulnerable women in sex work, it definitely isn't all of them)

Have you read her other threads?

A burlesque show. Fgs how some women are so desperate to enable men's shit behaviour. Burlesque is theatre, lapdances are not.

How sick that you had a lapdance and how awful to giggle as if you were laughing at her. I'm sure they find it humiliating enough.

Wouldnt bother me

LOL that's exactly my point! I feel the OP would be just as pissed off if her husband had gone to a burlesque show.

I can assure you the dancer was not humiliated in the slightest. We were at a very well known club and the girls were very well looked after. Actually ended up chatting to a few of them who were very grounded and had a full understanding of what they were doing. They were lovely. And yes, was chatting to the girl who gave us a lap dance who thought the fact we'd had one was fantastic. We gave her a whacking great big tip too.

With respect. If she had known about the lap dance she might not have gone through with the marriage and be in the situation she's in now

Why do you think women turn to sex work? It's not always to do with them being treated well or making lots of money

'LOL that's exactly my point! I feel the OP would be just as pissed off if her husband had gone to a burlesque show'

What are you lol'ing at? I doubt anyone would give a shit about burlesque shows as they are not comparable in the slightest.

I do hope you won't continue to support the misogynistic, revolting strip club industry?

I could never let his sloppy seconds cock near me again. What a piece of shit. Bad enough that he cheated on you (and it won't be the once, obviously, it almost never is) but that he tricked you into marriage because he certainly knew you'd have thought long and hard before ever even talking to him again, let alone marrying him, if he was honest.

He's a trash bag. Only you can decide if you can let a trash bag anywhere near you.

There absolutely is physical contact during a lap dance. The guy can't touch, but the girl does, very intimately too...

I read a long piece on Ovarit, a couple of years back, from a stripper about these coolgirl types (I don't know if the site is still running or engaged it got boring pretty fast so I left).

Strippers usually loathe the coolgirl wannabes, they mock them, they sneer at them and sometimes they feel sorry for them.

Imagine thinking any form of prostitution was "hilarious" (or pretending to). You are not responding to a normal, functioning adult female here, there is something wrong with the person who is claiming she sniggered at a stripper during a lapdance that she claims she paid for.

I think we each need to set explicit boundaries in our relationships. Those boundaries should never be assumed. You need to state them clearly. Every couple’s boundaries are unique to them.

I am not saying you are to blame for him getting a lap dance. I am saying it doesn’t constitute cheating if the two of you were both on the same page. Many men don’t view it as cheating. Many young men have not considered the larger moral and societal implications.

I know you are angry and that you are looking at him differently right now. I would really recommend not making any rash decisions. This is one incident compared to a 12 year marriage. This is your children living in an intact family vs shuffling between two houses every week.

consider the possibility that the man raising daughter’s today is not the same man who made this error back then. He has more life experience. He makes different choices.

And has anyone noticed women who get lap dances from other women and post about it to show their cool credentials nearly always claim they had a lovely girly chat with the strippers 🤣

Its almost as predictable and unbelievable as the blokes who come on threads to claim there is absolutely no touching allowed whatsoever and/or they find it cringe and/or its just somewhere to go for drinks at 3am 🙄

You've not read her other threads. He's raped her. He treats her and the kids poorly

He deliberately hid the fact that he went to hang out with strippers and paid for sexual services (which is what a lap dance is, of course) and specifically and deliberately did not even tell her he went there.

And that's because he knew, for an absolute fact and certainty, that she would not have been ok with it. And he went ahead with it anyway, then deliberately hid it from her for 12 years.

He was well and truly aware that he was crossing an unforgiveable boundary for her.

But you already know this.

Oh yes not to mention the 'whacking great big tip' too. Not sure which sickens me more the creepy men or the hapless women who think this stuff is all one big 'giggle'.

Not all men do strip clubs. And I’d never marry one who does, and I would seriously sit down and consider divorce if he had.

My partner and his group of mates have their own tradition. None of them do strip clubs, never have. Even in their twenties (in their 40s now). So, for all the stag do’s from their twenties until some still happening now they have their own thing they do… someone brings a dress and a wig, one of the lads will put it on and give the stag a lap dance dressed in this terrible dress and wig. I’m still not sure how I feel about it but that’s their thing, and then they just go to the pub!

Your 24 year old son was "forced" into having a lap dance and then rung his mummy on the way home to cry about it?! 🙄

You don't seem very happy with him at all OP. You find him controlling, sexist and inappropriate. I think that's probably enough cause to consider your future regardless.
One incident 12 years ago could potentially be moved past if you felt that he had changed over the years. But it seems to me the incident is more symbolic of him being a type of man that you don't want to share your life with. And it's your life, and you can change it if you choose.

He reads as a horror.
Sexually assaulting you, controlling your bathing?
I think you need to contact Women's aid.