AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

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My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

Women are just the same with male strippers, loud and rauchous but that okay then because they are women doing the leering and making comments?
MN double standards 🙄

Why did he come clean about this or did he just mention it casually expecting you to be ok about it? I don’t understand how/why it came up 12 years on?

I wouldn’t be happy about it either but I think it’s sadly quite common (along with strippers generally) on stag do’s and tbh even hen do’s. Really not my scene whatsoever so can’t relate. My brother had a person with dwarfism handcuffed to him in Spain on his…

It is grim I agree op, and I can think of nothing worse than having some male stripper waggle his cock in my face so I don’t have double standards.
How come you have found out now?
I am old and cynical but I think you would be hard pressed to find a man who has NOT at some point in his life, at least been to a strip club, or had a lap dance, despite what they might say, or what their wives might believe.
He shouldn’t have kept it from you, but I agree with all PPs saying who is he now? Decent human, husband and father? If so, I’d tell him I thought he was pathetic, but I’d let it go. If he’s a dick in other ways? Different story.

He certainly could not.

Jesus, I’ve heard it all now. This wins the prize for man-excusing shite. Poor men. They are completely incapable of choosing their own friends, completely incapable of having boundaries and completely incapable of saying No. Poor dears.

Split then if that’s what you want. Will people be surprised - yes given it was 12yrs ago. Your choice.

To be fair to DH, the above poster is correct. A lot of this behaviour goes on in clubs.

How did he say it happened though? Was it something like this?

Another one who thinks they are NBU and yet asks for opinions and get shirty when they arent what they want to hear......why ask?

The bar for men is low, with this one 🙄

What is he like now?

I would also be disappointed. My DH and his friends were not into those things. He took his dad on his stag do who would def not have done that!!

What were the circumstances surrounding the lapdance? Did he know beforehand etc? Or was it sprung on him and he didn’t know what to do? Awkward to get up in front of mates etc?

Not the same but a few years ago I went on a hen night and was told it was just music with a singer and a meal with a disco after. All good paid for my ticket. What I didn’t realise was it was waiters in the buff. I really don’t like that kind of thing but couldn’t get out of it once there and realised. It was cringy watching everyone else with these waiters, I went to the toilet a ridiculous amount of times just to get away from it all. Was bloody glad when the night ended. Haven’t been on a hen night since!

I mean it’s not unanimous by any means. She is getting a balance of opinions. She is still allowed to disagree with some!

I’m not interested in male strippers but the magic Mike shows and chippendales back in the day were both popular. I know lots of people who have had strippers for hen do’s.

if you can’t see a way past this then maybe you know what you have to do but it was such a long time ago, why did he tell you now? Did you ask follow up questions like why did he have a lap dance, did he choose it etc? Young men don’t tend to say no when their mates encourage stupid behaviour. He obviously didn’t tell you as he knew you wouldn’t approve but he wanted to marry you.

Magic Mike is still popular!

I think I’d be less bothered if he was the groom as I can imagine it was organised for him and I can see why a lot of men would just sit down and have the dance. Maybe he wanted it maybe he didn’t. I’d be more annoyed if my husband was just a guest on the stag and got one as I’d know he booked and paid for that himself rather than it being cajoled. 12 years is a long way time. You should know what type of person he is. If the marriage has been good I’d just move on.

Back in the day? What last Tuesday?! Still V popular.

I'd leave over that too. There would be no way past the attitude towards women, the hiding it from me and the physical cheating.

As a side note a lap dance is a lot more than just sitting in a chair while a naked girl dances close to you. While the guy is not allowed to touch, there is a lot of touching typically from the girl (grinding on legs/laps, rubbing their boobs on the guys face) it's very personal and intimate.

Most women don’t watch male strippers. I’ve been to so many hen dos over the last 20 years and never once has a male stripper featured.

Op it sounds as though you wish in general that you weren't married to your husband anyway. Is this the case? If so you don't need an excuse to leave him, you can just do it.

Where did I say all stags go to a strip club?
I’m so glad you are married to a saint.
Or was it something to do with family witnesses in the group?

I don't think I'd be ok with it either. How does he speak about it - is he regretful at all?

I would be a bit pissed but otherwise I’d probably forgive and move on.
it’s not cheating, especially not as a one-off.
Tbf my partner can attend strip clubs as long as I could go with (I’m bi 😆)

It would make me lose all respect for him so the relationship would be over.

How did you find out and what have you discussed so far?

I’m so glad sleazy stag dos are dwindling.

My boyfriend’s BIL is having some sort of dart tournament for his stag and they all seems well excited about it.

No my husband worked with trafficked women and children it would turn his stomach to walk into a place like that, he's not a saint and the fact you think a man who isn't willing to pay for a woman's sexual services is, speaks volumes. You seem very accepting of sexual exploitation.