Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

Getting pregnant then expecting people to bail you out is never going to be a good thing

Hi, no need to stop me about harmful stereotypes. There is none of that in my post. I was merely stating facts. The poster talked about things generally being better as she is Asian. She discussed no babies before marriage as one example. I took that to mean a criticism of having children outside marriage and being Asian made her exempt from that.
Fwiw, I had a baby outside of marriage and I don't consider that to be a terrible, harmful situation. Your post implies that it is.
Families helping to raise kids and care for their elderly is wonderful and not attributable to specific cultures. I appreciate that it seems to be more prevelant in some cultures and considered the norm.
Indeed, that is lovely to hear.

The 'village' just means women having caring responsibilities for the rest of their lives. No thanks.

You need to have a tough conversation about what their expectations are still. And be very clear and firm on what your capacity is.

Were they trying for a baby prior to moving in with you? Moving in in January and announcing this in March is quite quick. How far along is it? Did they know back in December when they chose not to renew? That's a big thing to add into this especially if they knew sooner but waited until moving in. It is better to wait past a certain point before announcements so how long did they wait? I would be nervous that was an expectation they kept from you knowing being made leave will be harder with a baby involved 😔 Especially with the partner leaving his more stable job, is the pregnancy changing anything on that front too? A baby has a lot more expenses so how is their planning going now?

Quite understandable as looking forward to peace

they need to find somewhere asap or by the time baby is born or they will be with you for months after birth as if not working they won’t be able to show agencies they can’t afford to rent

are his parents local ? Maybe they can live with them

Being a doormat isnt good parenting. These two need to stand on their own two feet and not expect to be bailed out. They can rent a flat and make the best of a situation that only they created. Why should OP's life be turned upside down because of their choices.

lead to

No idea what you’re talking about polly, perhaps call it a night?

The 6 month tenancy deal should not change just because they decided to have a baby. You need to make it clear that they should move out before baby is born.

To me it sounds like you're not delighted with the circumstances in which you're becoming a grandparent

Well aren't you intuitive!

OP has quite literally told us she's not happy with the circumstances in which she's becoming a grandparent.

Of course she’ll need more support than other mums. She has nowhere to bloody live! In contrast to many other mums who might have bought a home by the time a baby came along. These replies are so harsh. My lovely mum helped me loads when my dc were little. I helped her loads when she was older and eventually dying. It’s part of being a family. Throughout our lives my mum, siblings and in laws - we have all pulled together. Life can be rough and family get you through.

People who muddled through with a little bit of family help in the old days weren’t living in a COLC. Love and goodwill can only get you so far in that situation.

It’s fine to depend on parents if you’re older? I get the feeling people are making these kind of judgements based on their own life choices to have children older - because if anything you’d expect a 30+ year old couple who wanted a child to a foundation and financial stability before getting pregnant. More so than an early 20s couple.

Either it’s ok to ask for parental help or it’s not (fine) but you can’t say no to one and not the other.

Surely they will have the deposit on the old place back?
Thry are a pair of selfish f**ks. Make sure you make it crystal clear they are to be out after 6 months as planned.

There are lots of grandparents who help out because they are not given any choice, do people who keep on making choices that effect the grandparents ever speak to them before hand?

Not saying in the OP situation but a 20 year who has 3 kids may need the grandparents to supply child care but did the now 20 year old give even one thought to what kind of like the grandparents want at whatever tage they are?

do people even think of their parents when they have to keep on bailing them out of situations? or assume because they are getting the help their parents stick a smile on their face and keep on quietly helping because they have no choice?

especially the old MN cliche of 'you will do what I say or I will go no contact with you'

Doubtful shes a teacher if she's only 20. In any case not a great job gor family life!

OP's DD asked for help before telling OP she was pregnant. That's the difference.

If she came to OP telling her she was pregnant and asking if the help offered was still ok which would acknowledge that it isn't just about them then it might be different but coming to OP like a happy couple ready to have a baby when they are expecting OP to house them and their baby is completely different.

I also never said that it's never ok to ask for parental help but you can ask for help without acting entitled.

I think DD & BF need a come to Jesus moment with you. Let them know that you did not sign up for this and feel very manipulated. Tell them that you did not agree to housing them to enable BF to risk a secure income to work for himself or to raise their child, and that now that they have moved their goalposts, you will too. Let them know that they have 3, 6, whatever months to find themselves somewhere else to live. *Also make it clear that they had better not be making plans around you babysitting full time because that isn’t going to happen.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/pensions/voluntary-national-insurance-contributions/#step2

As you were caring for children you should be able to sort the missing years more easily

This happened to my friend though her daughter was even younger.

She was just clear from the start that while she would be supporting her daughter (emotionally, practically & financially), her daughter would not be living at home with the baby. Daughter ended up on benefits and then slowly, slowly worked up from a very part time job to a full time job today, now her 2 children (yes she had another one a couple of years later) are at school.

Your daughter & her bf rented before and they can do so again. They will be entitled to housing benefit & need to look into exactly what they will be entitled to now & once the baby is born.

As i’ve got older i’d understood my mother’s reaction more to the news I was pregnant at 16. Though it was more the shame than not wanting to live with a baby. That baby is 32 now, and we lived there for 18 months, would have been less if i’d have been able to move out earlier. My mum interfered a lot. I remember how bad she made me feel as he was constipated a lot (later had a minor surgery) like it was my fault (it wasn’t, and i’d taken him to the GP multiple times). I eventually moved 5hrs drive away when he was 7. She still is very close to my eldest, she was only 39 when he was born. So I’d be supportive, but encourage them to look for their own place ahead of the birth. You want to enjoy being a grandma, and that’s hard when baby is living with you.

And shouldnt the message be stop having the government to house and pay for you to have children, yes things can happen in the future but to there is only so many time the government should have to step in because multiple forms of contraception are not used because people cant be bothered, if people are mature enough to have sex they are mature enought not leave it all to the government or grandparents

Not really … the daughter and her bf won’t be able to manage financially on their own and the baby is a reality. Unless you are in favour of forced abortions.

They are adults and have no right to assume they can just live with the gfs family… we have a support network in society to deal with scenarios like this.

Ironically her children want to leave as much as possible. Youngest has now gone to germany to care for her grandfather. The same SIL she wanted to place in the front room, she pays for a hotel when she is in london despite living with inlaws (so money clearly not plentiful).

MIL now has 0 kids in her house and most grandkids overseas.

I’d be gutted if my 22 year old got pregnant with no plans on how to proceed. I’d feel obligated to help of course but I’d know my life would be changed without having a real choice and I’d be upset that all my plans for my future retirement would be up in smoke. I’d also be annoyed with people telling me I should be happy - you are allowed to feel how you feel.

Say nothing, until you’ve worked out what you’re happy with. My guess, you’ll feel differently when the baby arrives.