Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I’d be horrified on several fronts.

Having a child at 21yo is not what I want for any of mine, although most of mine are well past that, but still none are in what I would think is a ‘suitable space’ in life to start with kids. But 21yo would have been heartbreaking to me.

In addition to the ‘don’t have a child before being in a suitable position in life’ speech, I drummed into mine, I also gave a ‘and if it does happen, under no circumstances will you be living here with a baby, and there will be no back down’ speech. I find it much better to have very clear understanding all round in these sorts of matters up front and BEFORE such an incidence should arise. Mine know I’m deadly serious so it makes them think twice before acting sillily.

I was just reading about the mental health crisis in gen x women and this thread sums it up. (It's on the guardian).
Why are women who have spent 25 to 30 years raising a family and looking after ageing parents made to feel guilty for wanting some time to themselves. Most had absolutely no help, had to give up their careers and are now left with little money or pension.
I look after my grandchildren 2 days a week and do school pick ups and I love spending time with them but I couldn't do full-time childcare. To be honest I'm exhausted and have had health issues of my own. My daughters understand this and don't put pressure on me to do more.
This whole 'village' idea is ridiculous, I don't know anyone who's had dozens of people helping them raise their children. Most people don't even live near family now due to housing costs, jobs etc. It's just another thing to make women feel bad.

Id be "excitedly" telling them they need their own place for DGCs arrival and asking if they need help making a plan. Baby is 6 months away so they have time to plan

OP didn’t say it would take six years for DD to get a term time job - she has that now, but it will become relevant when the child starts school. And not everyone qualifies for standard maternity pay - the rule is you need 26 weeks unbroken service up to the 15th week before due date to be eligible for SMP. If not MA is the alternative.

I think they need to contact the council housing team and say they are pregnant and homeless. If they move in with you it is less likely they will be housed. With only one self employed wage they are unlikely to find a private rental when your daughter’s money drops due to maternity leave. I think you need to say no op. Their situation has changed.

You're a bit behind with the evolution of childcare. Term time only will work from the point they get funded hours, that's 9 months old. If they can find a term time nursery, it will be basically free and they'll just to fund wraparound care.

You don’t think any other generation in the last 150 years were living in a cost of living crisis? No, perhaps the destitution in times gone by wasn’t a crisis, it was just the way it was.

This thread has reminded me, again, how fortunate my friends and I are to have close families who care.

If their tenancy is up and she is pregnant, wouldn't it be worth them applying for council housing as opposed to living with you?

You don't get a council property just because you apply. There can be waiting times of years for those who are homeless, if the DD is living with OP she will not get priority banding.

Who said 'the government' is paying for anything?

💯 agree with this and it is also my approach.

You need to have a proper talk with them and explain that the pregnancy changes things somewhat with regard to them moving in. It will be much harder for them to find a rental on a reduced wage if dd is on mat leave etc. And you need to be clear that staying beyond 6 months is not an option. Realistically, will they actually be able to afford the next place once she has had the baby? Like the ppl said, maybe they need to make themselves homeless by refusing to leave current accommodation.

Did you ask them what their plans were in terms of jobs, accommodation and finances?

i completely understand where you’re coming from op. I would feel the same way.

You need to sit down with them and discuss their plans. What you don’t want is for them to drift towards the due date with no plans to get their own place and suddenly the baby is here and they just don’t move out. It’s very difficult op. You want to be supportive but you are looking forward to kicking back a bit and enjoying your freedom.

You sre in a strong position to support your daughter so short term I would support them through the pregnancy and help them the first few months,

but

they need a plan longer term. i understand why youre upset. You have plans too! Your husband could step up more if he is retiring and what about the father's parents where are they in all this?

Get them onto housing wait lists and encourage them to save as much now as they can.

The partner sounds supportive so thats a good thing. Many are not.

Its not ideal but it could be worse.

This sounds a bit incestuous 😂 maybe rephrase

Teachers don’t get basic maternity allowance so I guess it’s a lower paid role. Family and respect go together. A family at 21 whilst living with parents is not showing respect. It’s a very one sided decision knowing childcare is on the premises. It’s also somewhat childish. Not sure how this is resolved but it’s a great shame the father is self employed. I’d advise him to get his job back if he can because moving out is now difficult. 21 is too young in many ways to be parents these days and they are not earning sufficiently to get a place and now need another bedroom. Difficult to see a way out of this.

I have been exactly where you are now and it was fine. Better than fine in fact. Even in close proximity, being a grandparent is so so different to being a parent. It was a real bonding experience for DH and me. Yes, we did step in and help a lot in the early days, but it was lovely and went by so fast. They moved out when DGC was 5 months old and I missed them terribly, but have a close bond that has held strong. DGC2 is now on the way, and I’m actually quite sad that we won’t have that again, but at the same time so pleased that our very close relationship with DGC1 means that she is still totally at ease coming to stay here when the baby is being born etc. Looking back, it was an amazing life experience that was almost entirely positive, despite feeling very unsure at first.

She is only 20 so far too young to be having a baby especially as they are not settled with regard to housing, employment etc.

This. I agree some of these comments are so harsh. People used to say it took a village to raise a child.....has this changed??

This sounds like me and my parents when my eldest arrived 🫣
my mum was not happy … allowed me to stay though.
we were there for 2 and half years and I was doing university etc.
when we moved out I couldn’t get rid of my mum 🤣🤣… she struggled immensely with missing DD being around in the end. I think she still spends more time at mine than hers and DD is now 13 !!!

I’m so glad many people on here aren’t my mum! Although it would be far from ideal and my parents have more than earned their retirement I have no doubt that if something went horribly wrong with my marriage they would welcome me and my baby with open arms.

@EvieBBThere is no village ! It’s the op and her husband! No aunties or cousins and extended family and friends sharing the load. In many cases the op would still be working full time and having a second family in the house too. Yes, you have to do it, but the op does not have a village! There won’t be help and would have liked the space of a few years before grandchildren. It’s not unreasonable in the circumstances and dc had other options.

I have to agree with this. Godbless my mum and the support she gave me. I'm trying my best to model the same for my children.

Welcoming you if your marriage going wrong is one thing. It is another issue when you have two young people, one who has decided to go self employed and another who is just starting teacher training, they are not independent and need to move in with their parents who are excited about having a baby.

Can you not see the difference?