Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I assume a discussion happens first which again, is very different. OP agreed that they would move in, not them and a baby would move in and instead of a discussion they just expect her to accept it.

I wouldn't be supporting entitled behaviour.

Honestly, I'd worry about this. I don't blame you for not jumping for joy!

Yet calling women ''dragons'' because they aren't rolling over is very modern?

They have taken quite a few risks and don't sound like fully fledged adults. That's a tough spot Op, I feel for you.
Maybe it's a 'be cruel to be kind' situation.
I think you need to have a difficult conversation and let them know you're not just there to enable all of this.

why? because they put lack of contraception before housing?

X

This^
They need their own stable home now they have baby in the way. Think how you can help them etc but living with you should be the very last resort not default option.

By the way you are absolutely right to feel that way about the situation. You are worried about them.

But it won't be you going through those first days this time around, it will be your DD and her partner. You will have the luxury of enjoying the good stuff while supporting your DD going through the early days, which any good parent would be doing anyway.

What a judgemental post.
Not sure if you have children but if you do, I sincerely hope that your children never need any support from you.

I remember your posts from years ago and your MIL lived in a 1 bed flat with 4 DC. She also offered to turn her living room into a bedroom for your SIL and her family if they had wanted that. This is clearly a very selfless woman who does not mind giving up her whole (quite small) house for the betterment of her DC. That is very sacrificial, but not at all typical of the Mumsnet demograph at all. Most white British people would not offer these solutions unless their DC were in dire straits.

How do you know the circumstances.

I totally understand your feelings on not wanting to go back to a baby centred house. If you could be sure it was for a finite period it would be easier for you to see the positives. My parents very generously put us up with first DC while we relocated and waited for house to be finished. I am sure they were delighted to see us leave but they had a fantastic relationship with my child. Everything was agreed in advance, week about doing shopping and cooking, I didn’t look for any baby care but there were times when I was very glad of another pair of arms.
Set out the boundaries in advance, make them coming dependant on them applying for social housing, don’t be too available and go away for lots of weekends.

Why married? This thread is bonkers.

Tbh if they are excited about having a baby (far too young and unprepared imo) then they must have a plan.

I'd allow the six months temp move as you've previously agreed to this but make it very clear that they spend the six months looking for their own home.

Its really entitled of them to think they can stay with you indefinitely.

So many nasty people on here jumping to conclusions. This couple had already lived in a rented flat for two years. They've lately discovered she is pregnant. Give them some time to get their heads together and make a plan before sticking the boot in, yeah?

I can scarcely believe some of these posts are real. I am so glad my parents are not like this. I would never treat my dc like this. With mothers like these, who needs enemies?

I am very pleased that your rules suit your family.
Re 'generally being very different for us, thank goodness'.
I know Asian women who have been pregnant and unmarried. I know Asian women who do not like living with their mother in law. I know Asian women who were made to feel they had failed as they had a daughter and not a son. I know Asian women who aren't happily married.
There is plenty of high profile press reports of Asian women being abused /murdered for not adhering to the 'rules' and the associated 'shame' on the family.
I work in public services.
Let's not delude ourselves that being part of a specific culture makes us exempt from life's challenges.
Ime, for some people, it's more about covering up and presenting a perceived 'ideal'.

My first grandchild was born in not the most perfect circumstances but as a family we all gathered together and supported my daughter with her decision.
Now a few years later my daughter has been the most amazing role model for her child.
She took an MA that allowed her to have the job she now has .
Yes at times it was hard for us having a little one living with us for a year plus COVID but the relationship we have with our grandchild is incredible because of the close bond we formed at the beginning .
As a Mum I would just try and be as supportive as you can but set a few rules from the outset.

I agree. Ridiculously irresponsible to get pregnant when knowing they don’t have a home and that they’re moving in with you. I fear this was almost done on the assumption that let’s have the baby whilst under parents roof and get help etc

I’m going to stop you there with those terrible harmful stereotypes that you’ve pushed out because you cannot fathom another culture having positives over western. Those challenges exist across the board. Asians do tend to rely on family network to raise their kids and look after their elderly and there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Like any culture including British if it works for everyone then all fne great none of anyone elses business, if a woman is put in their place and is not allowed full freedom and have to do what they are told and is used as a brood mare then yes this is an issue

Women should be more than just breeding and caring and living very small lives unless it is solely their choice, taking aside issues they had growing up or other mental health issues going on

Hopefully you're worrying for nothing. I have a great relationship with my daughter but I know that if she was going to have a baby she'd be super eager to set up home for herself,partner and baby. Fingers crossed your daughter feels the same about it.

That's what I've been saying from the off. Shocking. Felt like something from the dark ages.

That sounds good.
...........

Op, 'they' are not pregnant, she is.

I understand your misgivings about them moving in. It will be a pain unless you have a separate annexe. I'm surprised they want to, except for a few weeks maybe.

She's very young to be starting a family too.

Agree 100%.
Where’s the village sentiment gone?
In the bad old days babies were born to much younger mothers, today’s 40plus would be positively geriatric.